My partners mother. AIBU?

[CursesAndMagic]

Long story short me and my partner have been together 8 years. He has a daughter that lives with us who is 11 and I have a 1 year old with him. His mother has always been controlling telling him his daughter is staying. Going on holiday with them. Booking things without asking and I don’t have much of a say because she’s not my daughter. But with my own son I do have a say. I will not allow my son to go to her house as she smokes in there and says it’s okay because she’s cleaned. She comes here occasionally to see the baby and told me she’s taking my son out. I told her straight And said it won’t be happening. I’m a stay at home parent so I don’t even ask my mum to take the baby alone. It’s not necessary right now.

Anyway she treats me like crap she talks to me horribly she’s always two faced and she will tell me she is doing something rather than asking. Which Is always net with a no because of the way she is with me. She always stinks of cigarettes and will tell me the baby shouldn’t nap and then ask his daughter what time the baby was up what time he napped what time he woke. Just things that aren’t anything to do with her. She calls his daughter every night during lockdown and I rang today to ask her to call earlier than 7 as I bathe the baby at this time and he’s constantly trying to crawl out the bath when he can heat people speaking because he’s nosey aha. But this was a problem. I get his daughter up to bed around 8 to watch a film but that’s a problem because it’s too early. I haven’t been to the park during lockdown that’s a problem because they need exercise. We have a garden. She’s so argumentative. I found out I’m 3 months pregnant and I didn’t even get w congratulations only that’s a bit soon and that’s another grandchild I won’t see. AIBU? She makes my skin crawl. Also for background my partner isn’t a major fan either. She’s caused him quite severe mental health issues that are now resolved from issues in childhood. He now tolerated her.

Your partner needs to put his foot down over her control over HIS daughter.

He wants an easy life so he just doesn’t really argue.

If she's caused him mental health problems then he shouldn't be allowing her access to any of his children. It sounds like they need protecting from her.

Don’t get me wrong she is helpful with her and was when we both worked but she has to always be in control and she hates me I think because I won’t allow that with my son.

Boundaries, boundaries, boundaries.

If she rigs and dd is in bed, then tell her she can’t talk to dd.

If she argues, don’t engage. Be firm. Say that if she continues to disrespect you, then you will end the call.

She’s very different now than she was when he was a child. He wouldn’t have his daughter there if there was any risk. There isn’t she has a husband who is great too. So that’s not an issue. He was just abused physically and it caused him to get depression and have a breakdown later in life.

He wants an easy life so he just doesn’t really argue
So he's prepared for her to do to the children what she did to him?
Perhaps he needs to act like and adult here and think about his children, rather what's easier for him. It's called being a responsible parent.

She started calling at 8 because she knew that’s when his daughter goes up to watch a film and she had to talk to her then / then she asked why she can’t just ring when the baby is in the bath? Why does it matter if it’s 8 or 6 I don’t understand.

His mum is actually good with his daughter they’re really close it seems it was just her own kids she didn’t like but she only has these two grandkids and one on the way when she was growing up he worked full time and she had his daughter while he was working so that’s probably why she took over a little bit but that’s changed now because I’m at home and have the kids. She has her some weekends but that’s all.

“He was just abused physically” just?!

This woman physically abused her child, and has no boundaries. Think hard about whether she is a positive influence in your children’s lives

Like I said my son hardly sees her. His daughter is down to him really I can’t tell him what to do like I decide with my son. You see? He wouldn’t put his kids at risk and I mean she’s 11 now and she loves her Grandma but because I won’t put up with her bs she doesn’t like me.

Oh no I didn’t mean just to minimise it it’s horrid and part of the reason I don’t like her but I mean she would never do that to the kids.

He will argue with her and he will stand his ground but most things he just tells her to shut up. She will ring him to complain about me and he will just say shut up and hang up

It’s just everything’s wrong. He says it’s her grandkids and I say well if she treats me like this she doesn’t deserve to see my son? I don’t think that’s unreasonable I’ve never done anything to het I just stand up for myself and tell her no.

You've got an SO problem.

He is allowing his mother to abuse you.
He is allowing her to abuse his children.

Abuse isn't just things that will land you in prison.

YANBU and it's good you stick up for yourself.

But this part is ridiculous, seems like you are making up a reason just to be difficult - 'She calls his daughter every night during lockdown and I rang today to ask her to call earlier than 7 as I bathe the baby at this time and he’s constantly trying to crawl out the bath when he can heat people speaking because he’s nosey aha.'

No she rings at that time because she knows that’s when his daughter goes up to watch a film and because she thinks it’s too early she wants to ring then to purposefully be awkward. It’s not about me being difficult the baby gets distracted about everything and his bath he has with the candles and stuff so it’s dark. He’s in a baby bath in the living room at the min as we only have a shower so that’s why her calling and that it kinda ruins the baby’s relax before bed time

His mother does not abuse his children.

He would never let any harm come to his children and he will tell her to shut up when she starts but won’t get into it because he said after 30+ years he’s accepted she won’t listen

Does your dp’s daughter have her own phone? I would limit, which many parents do, no phone after say 6. I think you’re swimming against the tide here given your DP can’t really be bothered to confront her.

Abuse at its worst carries a prison sentence.

There are lower levels of abuse that are common and people turn a blind eye to e.g. calling a child 'stupid.

Your MIL has a child in a smoke filled environment. I once moved into a flat where a smoker had lived. Even after a professional clean and new carpets it still stank. That's not putting their health first because of an addiction (smoking). Yes, many people grew up in smoky homes. Many of them got lung cancer. We know better now.

She comes here occasionally to see the baby and told me she’s taking my son out. I told her straight And said it won’t be happening Your SO allows his mother to do this by not speaking up.

Anyway she treats me like crap she talks to me horribly she’s always two faced and she will tell me she is doing something rather than asking. That's abuse.

and will tell me the baby shouldn’t nap That's not prioritising their well-being. She just wants a dolly to play with.

She won't listen to your rules about when to call.

I found out I’m 3 months pregnant and I didn’t even get w congratulations only that’s a bit soon and that’s another grandchild I won’t see. That's an abusive way to speak to someone.

She’s caused him quite severe mental health issues. She hasn't changed and seems on course to repeat the pattern with her grandchildren. Unless she has done extensive therapy to understand why she harmed her son in that way, and how to recover she will abuse her grandchildren in the same way.

He wants an easy life so he just doesn’t really argue.
He knows someone will get upset. There are three options.

1. His mother gets upset if he tells her she's out of line.
2. He gets upset if she makes a fuss.

1. You get upset by being disrespected in your own home and not defended by your partner when his mother abuses you.

So he CHOOSES option 3. For you to be the one who is unhappy, by letting you be treated like that.

Put the phone on silent & don’t answer it if she rings at bath time.

If his daughter spends time alone with her grandmother how do you know she's not being abused?

Your boyfriend needs to remove her from your lives, it’s unacceptable to expose all these kids to a child abuser. She’s not hitting them yet, but emotional abuse is still abuse, abusing their parents is still abuse, your boyfriend can work on his trauma caused by that woman in his own time, but he needs to bollock-up and end that shit immediately. Wittering on about ‘but she phones and say this and this’-so? You’re indulging the child abuser. Block her number. Report her for harassment. Seek to prosecute her for historical child abuse of your boyfriend. He needs to step up and protect the people he chose to create, and his girlfriend.

I get his daughter up to bed around 8 to watch a film but that’s a problem because it’s too early.
If she calls when you are bathing your son, why would that be an issue. Your stepdaughter is 11 and is more than capable of answering a phone and talking to her grandmother without you being part of it and you said yourself, your stepdaughter loves her and she was a big part of her life when he was working. 8pm is early for an 11 year old to completely switch off.

If are bathing your son everynight with candles by a bath in a darkened living room then I really feel your routine needs to adjust to encompass the other child in the house.He has a daughter that lives with us; your words make her sound like an unwanted appendage and at one years of age, of course he could go out with your mother, don't throw severe mental health issues out there 'that are resolved now' for a sympathy vote. I'd like to hear your MILS's point of view. I suspect it would be hugely, hugely different from yours.