Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Is swearing at your partner abuse?

54 replies

LaylaLove123 · 03/04/2020 17:26

DP and I have been together for 1 year. Before lockdown we decided he should come and stay with me and DD who is 6. When he turned up a couple of weeks ago he had a puppy with him. I am not allowed to have puppies in my rental property. We had discussed getting a dog once we moved in together, but he had gone out and bought one anyway without mentioning it to me first, in fact he actively told me he wouldn't get a dog. The dog will make it significantly harder to see one another - I don't particularly want him bringing the dog here as I am not allowed to have one in my tenancy. It also means weekends away etc. are going to be a lot more difficult. I explained all of this to him before but he has bought one anyway. Fine.

Last week my DD was crying as she'd fallen over, he was dealing with it. She stopped crying, but once I came into the room she began to cry more and whine for attention. I intervened and gave her a cuddle, to which point he said 'fuck you both then' and stormed off. A couple of hours later I went to talk to him about his inappropriate language and the puppy issue and he kept looking at his phone the whole time. I asked him to leave but he said he couldn't for 7 days as we are in lockdown and please could he stay, he wouldn't cause any more situations.

We have been rubbing along ok, until this afternoon when I returned from a walk and the puppy was running freely around my house. I'd specifically asked him to keep the dog in the dining room as it has wooden floors, the puppy keeps having accidents, chewing and I am not allowed a dog. It is the room that will be minimally destroyed by having a puppy in it and I am worried about my landlady finding out. I asked him to please keep the puppy in the dining room, to which he said 'well we will be fucking off home soon anyway.' All of this is in earshot of DD.

I then asked him if he would speak to his mum is this way (he wouldn't), and I told him that my request to keep the dog in one room is reasonable and his reactions are abusive and abnormal.

I have asked him to categorically leave and that I do not want to be with him anymore. AIBU to think this is abuse and not normal behaviour?

OP posts:
Darbs76 · 03/04/2020 18:32

No way would be remain in my home. I wouldn’t trust him near my DD

AmelieTaylor · 03/04/2020 18:41

I personally wouldn’t call this ‘abuse’ but it’s definitely unacceptable, completely. AND he’s a total bellend. How old is this moron? He is just so stupid and lacking in common sense & decency.

I can have a complete potty mouth around adults, but naturally don’t swear around children, lots of people do - fine. But no way is at acceptable to tell a child to ‘go fuck herself’ (even at both of you)

He’s far too immature to deal with. Getting a puppy in your situation ( poor puppy) showing such bad judgement, not to mention going against what you’d discussed.

You have done the right thing 🌷

It’s going to hurt & you’ll miss him because no one is all bad, DD might even miss him & be cross you’ve told him to go (or she might be thrilled?!) but you’d be a fool to take him back. Please don’t.

screwcovid19 · 03/04/2020 18:51

He said 'fuck you' to your 6yo and he's still in your house?

DarnedSocks · 03/04/2020 18:56

Don't ignore the red flags. He's swearing at your young child. Be glad it's your own home so you can throw him out. I'd call an animal welfare charity too. Sadly they're probably too busy now but he doesn't sound like anything close to a responsible dog owner. How people treat their pets is a very good indication of how they'll treat you. It's cruel to get a puppy under such disruptive circumstances.

Dipi79 · 03/04/2020 19:01

He would have been gone the moment he had sworn aggressively in front of my child, had it been me.
Please OP, get him, his disrespect and abuse out of your house, for the sake of you and your daughter.
You and your little girl both deserve better.

Kittykat93 · 03/04/2020 19:06

Fucks sake op. He spoke to your six year old daughter like that and you haven't done anything? Must have done a real number on you, that's awful

Honeyned · 03/04/2020 19:09

Are you worried about his reaction if you tell him to leave immediately? you are sooo not being unreasonable and I hope you know that. If it's safe to do so please tell him to get lost, isolation or no isolation 😢

FTMF30 · 03/04/2020 19:12

I would seriously be scared to have him in the house with my child. Get him out asap! To swear at a child so easily is a masdive signal he has potential to do worse.

Original poster
LaylaLove123 · 03/04/2020 19:18

He has left. He won't be coming back. My dad used to speak to my mum (and us) very poorly, I think that makes me second guess my thoughts and feelings and whether I overreact to situations. He is very immature and the way he spoke to me and DD is unacceptable on every level. He is dropping the puppy at his mums for a week now because she is bored and has nothing to do. You are right, it is cruel to get a puppy under the circumstances and pass it from pillar to post.

OP posts:
OptimisticSix · 03/04/2020 19:22

People are more likely to be stressed and highly strung at the moment so I'd be inclined to be forgiving but he needs to go. You don't need extra stress and neither does your daughter! What happens with your relationship after this is entirely up to you but I can't imagine anything worse than being in lock down with someone who is already being disrespectful like this. And I say that as someone who's been inside for over three weeks with four children Confused

TheWordmeister · 03/04/2020 19:28

MN is a constant source of amazement to me. That someone would even question if this sort of behaviour is remotely acceptable beggars belief.

In a relationship, it is not OK to name call, swear at each other or speak aggressively. I have been married for 25 years and with my dh for almost 30. We have never come even close to plumbing these depths.

BertiesLanding · 03/04/2020 22:22

You are right, it is cruel to get a puppy under the circumstances and pass it from pillar to post.

Now start thinking of yourself and your family in the same way that you're putting energy into thinking of the puppy. He has been cruel to you too, and to your daughter.

You grew up in an abusive household. This means that you have become used to people acting this way. It has become normal. But the thing is that it's far from normal, and you have the opportunity to see things differently if you can. It's a great first step to have kicked him out. Now to understand why it is that you let him in in the first place.

And I'm not laying blame here. Far from it. I am a child from an abusive household. It's just that I know how much it takes to start to see how brainwashed we become, and that we are far more empowered than we think we are to put a stop to intolerable behaviour from others.

Igotthemheavyboobs · 03/04/2020 22:29

Swearing in general at each other is different to this I think. Me and dp swear at each other quite a bit, never really in anger though. The way he spoke to you, and infront of your 6 year old, is out of order and I would be giving him the heave ho!

EmeraldShamrock · 03/04/2020 22:33

He has proved he is childish, impulsive and a sulker, volatile. I think you'll have your hands full getting rid of him, but do it.

AlexaCrowe · 03/04/2020 23:18

I’m concerned that 5% of voters think YABU Confused

snowybean · 04/04/2020 00:11

I’m concerned that 5% of voters think YABU confused

Accidental pocket votes/fat fingers etc etc. Surely? 🤔

puds11 · 04/04/2020 01:29

Well done @LaylaLove123

user1473878824 · 04/04/2020 01:51

I don’t think it’s abuse (to swear at a partner, but that is NOT what he did) but it is to some and it’s where your line is. And it’s where your line is and I’m so pleased he isn’t coming back x

blubberball · 04/04/2020 04:01

Glad he's gone now. You don't need any of that unpleasantness.

Wontonhope · 04/04/2020 05:04

You have done the right thing. He’ll only get worse. I too think it’s abusive to swear at somebody in such a way. I swear, a lot but never in a angry way towards others due to how my own father treated us as children. Sounds to me as though he just didn’t want his place getting trashed by his new puppy and wanted you to do all the hard work for him.

billy1966 · 04/04/2020 05:13

Well done OP.

He is a nasty piece that work.

He's shown you exactly who you is.

He is not someone who will add value to your life.

This is not normal, healthy behaviour.

The bringing the puppy to the house despite being asked not to, would have been enough for me.

You grew up in an abusive home.
Well done for NOT wanting that for your child.Flowers

Mostlylurkingiam · 04/04/2020 12:43

It's dickish and not nice and you will probably end the relationship but it's not "abuse". Come on!

AmelieTaylor · 04/04/2020 12:50

Well done 🌷

Don’t wobble,stay strong!

Have you told him it’s over? Or are you just letting it drift?

Have you told DD he’s not coming back?

Durgasarrow · 04/04/2020 13:05

He deliberately brought a dog into your house. And you can't have a dog in your house. He is endangering your right to be in your home. He is treating you with contempt. He is a danger to you in word and deed. Get rid of him.

LannieDuck · 04/04/2020 13:40

Absolutely not acceptable. Well done for getting rid.