Lockdown and friends

[soannya]

I’ve got a very big birthday coming up soon and I know there are bigger problems in the world but now my holiday abroad to celebrate it has been cancelled, it’s made me start thinking and realised that I actually have very few friends. I’ve got acquaintances but I don’t have a “tribe” or a group of solid friends who would know or help me celebrate. I’ve been watching the series Friends while in lockdown and they all recently celebrated Rachel’s 30th. I’ve never had that. It must be wonderful to be loved my a group of mates like that! I’ve never had a group of mates who have helped me celebrate a birthday. People I’ve met through my kids who don’t have a school days group of old mates, seems to have acquired that group through NCT. I don’t have that either! My NCT group never bonded like that as everybody seemed to already have a stack of old mates. I just feel like I’ve failed at life really and I’m very lonely. I’ve got a best mate who lives hours away and I’ve got a few old work colleagues who keep in touch but I just feel like a fish out of water where I live. I’ve tried and failed to make decent mates. AIBU in thinking it’s just too late to build a decent set of mates as everybody’s already “taken”? I have one or two people I can ring to chat to during lockdown but I hear from the other school mums that they’re on FaceTime “all weekend” with their mates! I just don’t have that and never have and I want so desperately to feel part of a “gang”. How do I get that at my age? AIBU in thinking that everybody in the world apart from me has a “Friends” kind of group of mates and that actually nobody is available to make friends in later life?

I'm a bit the same I did manage eventually to make a great bunch of friends who were keeping me sane however I then had to move to the other end of the country. We still WhatsApp alot though but I really miss them.

I'm exactly the same. I didn't go to university at 18 so I have no university group. I did work in one place for ten years so I have friends from there. We tend to meet up once a year though. Then I became a lone parent which put me out of circulation for quite some time. Working meant I couldn't socialise with the school mums despite being asked.
Now I'm self employed and have worked alone for the last ten years. I am also in university and have met some lovely people and a woman who has become a good friend but no group and no 'best' friend. However its actually more common than you think. Its definitely not unusual not to have a big group of close friends.
I do a dance fitness group a few times a week and despite going to many groups over the years this is the first time I have actually socialised with anyone from an exercise class. We do coffees, evenings out a few times a year. Its not the really close group as you describe but its fun and we do check up on each other (especially during this difficult time). So while I may never get the group that have been with me through thick and thin I truly value my connections.
If you would like to try and meet new people try new things you think you might enjoy. You may not get that closer than close bunch you describe but you would still be socializing and learning new skills.

I think it it could be an age thing too, when I was younger and had free time, I could meet anyone anytime, then a house move or two, children, divorce, I can only count my friends on one hand , but I’m happy with that.
The school gates mum thing I never got into as was always ft working , same with baby groups etc.
Now I have more time , ds1 has left home and ds2 a teen , I’d like to make some new friends, but on the other hand I’m quite happy in my own company or with family.
As northernsoullover says you have probably got to try joining new hobbies or groups to have opportunity to make friends .Also sometimes there are people already in your world who are shy etc and would love a coffee if you asked?!

I understand. Ironically, I’ve made a massive effort after a big life change to make friends but obviously now can’t see them or go to my new social things.

Big friend groups are overrated and you find most just tolerate each other than actually get on.

Thanks everyone. I have tried joining groups. Things like Zumba. I find it really hard to make friends that way though! People tend to already be there with a friend and then head off. Breaking the ice is my issue I think. Maybe I need something like a book group?

I don't think it's ever too late to make great friends. I do have a lot of friends from when my kids were young etc and when I took on my last job at a school in a management position I told myself that I didn't need to make any friends I just needed to get along with people and do my job.

I was there for 3 years before I retired and during that time I met someone who is now one of my best friends. We retired within 6 months of each other and now spend a lot of time together. We both had other friendship groups but sometimes you just meet people you 'click' with so don't give up hope!

I started a book group and met loads of lovely people

Hello,

I know exactly how you feel. I have one best friend that doesn't live local, plus couple of work colleagues who don't keep in touch with that much. I feel terribly lonely and would love to have a large group of friends again, just to have a chat to. I am married with two grown up children who are great

No one actually has this in real life. Think about Friends, as it's your example. They all have other friends that they mention or pop up in one or two episodes but they aren't focused on because it's a TV show. Imagine you're Rachel. You'll have the core group in the show, then you'd have your friends from working at Central Perk who you'd still see when you go there, you'd have your Bloomingdales friends and your Ralph Lauren friends. You'd have your friends from school and from college. You'd have your sisters, maybe some cousins too? She goes running - did she meet any friends through that? She presumably would have made friends at her baby classes and had "mum" friends after Emma was born? If she were real, she wouldn't have had time for all these friends and actually spent all day every day with Ross, Chandler, Joey, Monica and Phoebe. It's not possible - it doesn't exist.

I totally get that, it only gets really harder as you get older I find and especially at the minute.
What about joining a mums social networking site?
peanut.app.link/yORwALobN7

You don't have to meet up, you can find out who's local to you and chat to see if you gel before meeting face to face.
I was sceptical at first but I've found someone that I fully intend to meet up with when lockdown is over, we really get on 😊
It's great with there literally being no opportunities to socialise right now! x