DH making it about him

[katieak]

So we've been given a slightly rubbish announcement from work today that we either have to furlough or take a pay reduction. It's ok, we can make this work financially but it's not great let's face it and will make it very tight for us. Told DH I'd be sad if I'm selected for furlough as, to me, that would be my company telling me I'm less valuable than others not selected. Appreciate other people are in worse situations so I'm not moaning but I just feel a bit sad about it. Knew this was probably coming so pre-warned DH that j might feel sad and asked that he allow me tonight to feel sad and I'd pull myself out of it by tomorrow. Didn't think that was unreasonable personally.

However DH has been short with me, told me I haven't thought about the impact on him and I need to get over it. I could understand if this was weeks down the line and I have also apologised if it makes it tough for us financially. He's told me it isn't that that is the issue and he's no problem with that part as it's out of my control. It's the fact that I have spoken about it more than once to him and he feels that I'm "going on about it". It has been 4 hours since I found out and I've spoken to colleagues since as a debrief for an hour and a half of that (in a separate room from him) so I would say with him given we've discussed other stuff too and I've walked the dog I've probably spoken about it for an hour at most with him but probably less.
Do I need to shut up and consider him more or is it ok that I feel a bit crap and want to vent to my husband? Aibu?! 🤷🏻‍♀️

I think you both sound like drama queens. Both give your heads a wobble.

Of course it's normal to be upset, it's only been a few hours

I suspect he has a history of being unsympathetic given you asked him for permission to be upset!

He might handle things differently himself but he should be supportive, isn't that what a spouse is for

The fact that you felt you needed to forewarn him you might feel bad and request a short period to feel this way speaks volumes. Does he have any redeeming features?

You have to ask him to be allowed to feel sad? That's not right.

Seriously, he thinks that's 'going on'? And if the finance side isn't a problem, what does he mean about 'the impact on him'?

I'm not really sure what he means about the impact on him. When I asked he couldn't believe he didn't know what I was talking about 😕 !! I think he means me being upset as that makes him feel bad but when I say I'm upset I'm not like weeping or even a glistening tear on the cheek or a thing just feeling a bit lousy. I didn't realise that was a crime. Hmm he does struggle a bit with emotion. I admit I have anxiety so perhaps worry more than most might. The reason I told him in advance is because I know I have anxiety and I guess was just a forewarning to say I know the announcement is coming and he doesn't need to worry because I might feel rubbish but I'd get over it and I wasn't going to have a meltdown (which I haven't at all)

Think a PP has been harsh, you do not sound like a drama queen! Having a pay reduction is a massive thing for a lot of people and how everyone will cope with it will depend on your normal outgoings. It's a step on the way to redundancy if your company doesn't fully recover after the government help is over, and worrying for anyone. And it's natural to be upset.

He sounds like a heartless bastard to be honest, you're 'going on about' something that you've just found out about, that's upset you, that would upset anyone. The person you're married to is supposed to be the person you sound off to about things and is supposed to want to support you. From his reaction it sounded like it you were banging on about something insignificant a few months after the event. Why does he think you need to be more mindful of him than he is of you?

Wow YAtotallyNU. You’re going to be feeling upset and really uncertain at this time and he should be offering you a shoulder to cry on etc. He’s an arse, sorry.

Thank you. I did think that myself. I appreciate this has an impact on both of us and I've tried to be mindful and apologetic for it bring crap for both of us. And I know it will make him anxious too but I would've thought it's ok for me to feel a bit sad tonight and for him to support me initially - hugs and head nods is fine, I don't expect reassurance or promises or anything at this point! Don't get why he's had a strop! Stress gets us all in different ways I suppose

Is he always such a wanker like this?

He sounds horrible. Yanbu at all!

Don't get why he's had a strop! Stress gets us all in different ways I suppose

Or, which I think is more likely, he is an arse.

If you need to plan beforehand about how you tell him things, and then he still makes it about him, you’re with a self absorbed dickhead. Hope you are ok. It’s completely fine to be upset about it and want to talk about it.

You're feeling sad and have spoken about it an hour before you even know whether or not you'll be furloughed? I don't think either of you is being particularly reasonable. But in general, a DH moaning you should first consider the impact on him of telling him how you feel doesn't sound great, no.

YANBU. And for what it's worth, I have to tell DH when I just want to sound off about shit at work, or he starts to try and problem solve on my behalf, or gets enraged on my behalf....when all I want is some time to have a rant in a safe place where I don't run the risk of being fired and for him to make soothing noises. Then we can both forget about it after ten minutes.

I think those that think you're being odd have never been at risk of redundancy before. I have, three times now, the stress of not knowing what is going to happen (even if you know it won't have a bad effect on your life) is really, really tough. Especially when you also know there's bog all chance of getting another job quickly.

I'm like you OP, allow yourself time to grieve the job, then let it go.

You both need to stop being drama queens.

Of course you have a right to feel upset about potentially losing your job!

He should be supportive and kind to you - instead he is being a selfish prick.

So unsupportive! Is he normally like this? What’s the point of him? This is a really bad time and everybody should be pulling together! Where’s the support? Again, what’s the point of having somebody like him in your life?

I wouldn't necessarily take being furloughed as an indication that your employers value you less. It's generally a decision based on the needs of the company at that particular time - there may, for instance, be less valuable employees who happen to be working on a particular project or issue currently which can't be abandoned, or which will bring in much-needed finances.

@TerrorWig that’s exactly where I was coming from too. I’ve been made redundant once and put at risk again last autumn. DH was the only person I could hang onto, the only constant comfort when I was crying daily (and I’m not a cryer). The stress and uncertain is horrible when your job is at risk and who knows how long furlough might last or what will happen at the end to the company let alone your own position.

Hope you’re feeling better tonight OP.

He’s awful op. What a selfish unsupportive knob head.

That old book Women Are From Venue Men Are From Mars (or was it the other way round) would tell you women just want a bit of sympathy when bad shit happens. They just want to talk about it, share the load and feel better.

Men however don’t react like that when bad shit happens, they want to sort problems not dish out tea and sympathy. So when you went to him with a problem he could not fix it messed up his strategy. He couldnt sort it so he’s pissed off. He’s the man he should be able to fix this and yet he can’t kind of thing.

The book would also suggest he would then bugger off in a huff to his cave (other room) to be alone.

Apparently we don’t speak the same language and we have to tell the other one what we need.

Sigh. Feels like hard work.

Venus. Stupid fat thumbs.

Elieza I think you're right. He does sometimes do this if I'm upset or annoyed about something - seems to get stressed if it isn't resolved and I feel ok again. So I don't think he is an arse per se just crap at giving me what I need when I'm upset at times. He's otherwise pretty good and I think he might've been feeling a bit guilty. He did apologise after and kept bringing me cups of coffee whilst working from home yesterday.

I guess I was shocked at the "what about me approach" Can I train him to do stuff better next time? I tried the pre-warning approach to tell him what I needed which obviously didn't work.

It’s a while since I read the book tbh! Apparently you can train a Martian by telling them what you need prior. ie I have a problem that I want to get off my chest. I know you can’t fix it. That’s ok but I just need some sympathy’. Then launch in to problem expecting the sympathy you asked for.

Re the Me stuff, I don’t remember that in the book! But I presume you’re supposed to help them to lower their expectations or let them get a small win.
EG ‘I know you can’t fix this but we will sort something out to make it better in due course. I feel better now after talking with you about this, thanks DH’.
You can let the rest of us know if it works lol if it does I will write a dog man training book based on the Venus Mars one! 😂

Personally it feels too much like hard work. Perhaps that’s why I’m single!