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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To expect more help from DH right now?

24 replies

CFeatherstone · 31/03/2020 23:54

I have a 10 month old and a 3.5 year old. Before corona I was a student so have shelved my studies for now and am taking the kids full time.
Just like everyone else I am finding it really hard keeping the little ones entertained with nowhere to go or anyone to see. We don’t have a garden and the baby is teething. He also weighs 11Kg and is not walking or crawling so needs carrying around / active play most of the day and my c section is getting so painful. Trying to ration the ibuprofen as hard to get hold of any...🙄
DH works in PR. It’s a small agency and they are worried about losing clients. He is stressed and so is his boss (who owns the business). DH is working in our bedroom which is in the attic, and has the door shut all day. He is supposed to finish work at 5:30 but often finishes later. When he is around he is amazing, he does pretty much all the cooking and gets up with the baby if he’s up early..etc

I was starting to get really daunted by the weeks ahead so I asked DH if he could have a conversation with his boss to say he needs to finish on time, and maybe also do flexible hours on a weds so take the kids in the afternoon and work in the evening. This has not gone down well. DH just doesn’t get it and seems to think life outside of the attic is carrying on as normal and that I’m basically just doing what stay at home mums always do so why am I in such a bad mood.
His other colleagues are either too young to have kids or much older and have teenagers. Not saying that’s easy either but baby and toddler right now is TOUGH
I’m wondering what everyone thinks - seeing as I don’t have a job is it fair that I should do this crazy lockdown by myself 9-5 Mon-Fri? Also any PRs out there who can tell me whether this flexible Wednesday thing is a reasonable ask? DH thinks not...

OP posts:

MrsJoshNavidi · 31/03/2020 23:57

Personally, I would say you need to do as much as you can to protect your DH's job.

GreenTulips · 31/03/2020 23:59

I think he needs the job more than you need a break in working hours

Get out a walk for an hour at least once a day
When the baby naps take half an hour for a drink and food
Your csection shouldn’t be hurting after 10 months. Get it checked.
Use a bouncer play mat or anything else to keep the baby on the floor

SharonasCorona · 01/04/2020 00:04

Is he actually working, OP? I wouldn't be surprised if he's surfing the internet to get out of helping you.

Yes, he should focus on work in the 9-5.30 but he could be taking advantage.

PippaPegg · 01/04/2020 00:04

9 to 5 is reasonable. Sorry.

Are you taking your 1h outdoor exercise daily? Mine are similar age and I walk the 3yo daily first thing or he is bouncing off the walls by 9am. 2 miles usually..

I twist my DHs arm to spend lunch break with us if his day is going well. Rather than take lunch up and work at his desk. 3yo gets a lot out of daddy time. DH also looks after both in morning before work so I can sleep a bit or wash etc. Then dinner and bedtime he does take an active role.

So his day is just as packed as mine it's just a different kind of stress. Try thinking of it that way maybe. You're both very stressed and need to work as a team. No tiredness top trumps.

minipie · 01/04/2020 00:15

I think it would be more reasonable for him to give you a 10/15 minute break a few times a day. That would be more workable with his job than a whole afternoon off or finishing at 5.30. Is he already helping you with bathtime and bedtime?

My guess is his work will tail off in the coming weeks, right now they will be in panic mode trying to call all their clients and see what projects are still running. In a week or two there will (sadly) be less work to do.

Agree you need to call the Gp about the c section, it shouldn’t be painful at 10 months surely? Also not the point but your 10 month old is 11kg?!

Do you have a Vtech walker and/or a sit in walker (these are controversial as can be dangerous if left unsupervised but are safe if you supervise at all times). If not I really recommend getting them on ebay or similar. Also can you get out to the park - check the weather forecast, choose your time and take a blanket and snacks etc - will help a lot if your 3 yr old can run around.

Original poster

CFeatherstone · 01/04/2020 00:16

Ok thanks. He did say on day one of the lockdown he feels bad ‘because he can hear how much harder I am working than him’ but I think things are different this week and he is actually working really hard

The kids and I are going for walks in the morning which is a great way to start the day, thank god for the weather, it’s just by 5:30 after an afternoon of physically and mentally exhausting childcare in a pretty small space I really feel like I can’t do it any more and he breezes down at 5:45 like heyyy what’s up
I always end up resenting him and being so grumpy with him but yep I need to remember we just have different stress and we need to work as a team...

OP posts:

minipie · 01/04/2020 00:17

Sorry ignore my comment re 11kg!

Original poster

CFeatherstone · 01/04/2020 00:19

Thanks so much for the ideas minipie
Yes DS is soo heavy - not even that chubby - just huge and an enormous head!! C section has been fine until recently I think it’s because he’s getting so big
Agree a few little breaks throughout the day would be so much better than one big one once a week, I’ll mention that

OP posts:

OlaEliza · 01/04/2020 00:24

Why can't he have them for an hour on his own at 5.45pm then?

MrsJoshNavidi · 01/04/2020 07:23

At 5.45 - 6pm I'd have them both in the bath and getting ready for bed. Mine were in bed by 6.30/7 at that age.

Syncrows · 01/04/2020 07:40

It can be really hard working from home. I’ve had to have this conversation a dozen times with DH and the kids that just because I’m at home, I am actually working.

cornishdreams1 · 01/04/2020 07:50

I have had this conversation with my dh. We are going into the third week, so it became pretty apparent very quickly that we would need to agree who was doing what. I have asked dh to finish on time, and more or less he is now doing so. When he finishes at 5pm he takes on the children and the cooking for the evening. He is doing the bins, and vacuuming the kitchen. I am hiding in another room and checking out for an hour or so, before joining them for dinner. He is doing the bedtime routine whilst I have a G&T and then we try to find the energy for a conversation.

This weekend I have 'gifted' him with an afternoon with his children. I am planning on watching a grown up box set and having a bath.

Yes he needs to keep his job, you will need to remember how important this is,
Yes he must be left to it all day so that he can support his company.
However this is not a green light to leave you to it every minute of the day.

Sit down, draw up a plan that works for you all, and stick to it. We are in it for the long haul, everyone will need breaks and time to decompress.

Skeeter2020 · 01/04/2020 07:51

OP he's working all day and then takes on an active role with the DCs when he's not working. Poor bloke isn't getting a break and is trying to keep his job going so that you can stay afloat. YABU

Syncrows · 01/04/2020 07:53

this is not a green light to leave you to it every minute of the day

Would OP be expecting him to come home from the office to give her 15 mins break?

SharonasCorona · 01/04/2020 08:01

@CFeatherstone

How do you know, OP? I still think he's hiding from parenting.

TitianaTitsling · 01/04/2020 09:23

Why is he 'hiding from parenting' by being available to his employer during his working hours?

hardboiledeggs · 01/04/2020 09:52

@SharonasCorona doesn't sound like hes hiding from anything. Sounds like is working hard to keep a wage coming in to the house.
OP it's a hard time just now for everyone and whilst I totally get why you need a break for now its seems your DH needs to be bring cash in for his family. Maybe ask him to take this kids for a couple of hours at the weekend and you can chill out for a bit. I hope it works out for you.

Original poster

CFeatherstone · 01/04/2020 09:53

@Syncrows obviously not...but these are not normal times, and I wouldn’t be in need of a break so bad if I could just do something as simple as take them to the playground 🤷🏼‍♀️

By the way what’s everyone’s view on using the car?? I would have so many more outdoors options if I could just drive 10-15 minutes down the road but I feel like I am going to get shamed by a drone lol... none of my neighbours’ cars have moved for two weeks..

OP posts:

Original poster

CFeatherstone · 01/04/2020 09:59

@PippaPegg sounds like we are in a v similar situation. I feel so inadequate that I’m finding this so hard and everyone else seems to have it sorted

OP posts:

Original poster

CFeatherstone · 01/04/2020 10:05

Thanks @cornishdreams1
Sounds like a really good plan. I guess we need to block in some agreed time at the weekends where we can both have a few hours to properly switch off.

OP posts:

SharonasCorona · 01/04/2020 10:06

I just know that the PR department of my company aren't inundated with work at the moment. OP can judge best whether he actually busy, not us.

luckylavender · 01/04/2020 10:22

All of you saying the DH is shirking parenting, get a grip. People are working so hard now to keep companies going & hold onto their jobs. Working 9-5 may not be an option. OP - I feel for you.

PippaPegg · 01/04/2020 16:26

Everyone hasn't got it sorted believe me! what social media are you consuming? Mine is full of comedy videos about how bloody weird and stressful this is.. if your social media is making you feel worse, turn off for a while.

At the end of the day "everyone fed, no one dead" is the basic aim. Anything above and beyond that is a bonus and you should give yourself some praise. I'm being serious.

And yes I would drive 15 mins down the road to get the DC out somewhere nice for fresh air daily. I'm lucky that I just have to walk for 5 mins and I'm in a field. It makes such a huge difference to my MH to be outside and active every day, never mind burning off the 3yo energy which is bottomless!

Original poster

CFeatherstone · 01/04/2020 17:19

@PippaPegg thanks so much, that’s helped a lot!! Most of my genuine friends don’t have kids, and the people I do know who have them are very much of the competitive ‘my child eats kale and studies mandarin’ type.. It’s just the town where I live, which were planning on moving out of this year, so as soon as this is over..
Everyone fed, no one dead made me laugh a lot. Thanks again

OP posts:

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