To be angry with DH?

[LadySlipper11]

Not really sure why I'm posting this, I think I may just need a bit of a handhold. I think my DH is about to be sectioned. He has been struggling with mental health for a little while now, but with all the Coronavirus stuff going on he "feels trapped" and "like he cant support our family". I tried suggesting the GP or online support groups which he just dismissed. He then got all his life insurance documents out, kissed our DS saying sorry and goodbye, and drove away saying he wasnt coming back as being alive is pointless. I phoned the police. They have found him and I think are getting in touch with a crisis team.

AIBU to be absolutely livid? I understand some of his feelings and i am absolutely not dismissing mental health problems and suicidal thoughts, but all i feel is anger. I dont know where to go from here.

Just here to say I’m sorry. That sucks and must feel like a massive burden. I can understand the instinct to be angry with him for leaving you to deal with all of this alone. I hope he gets the right help and I I hope you have support too.

Remember all the good times you had and that that’s not him, it’s the mental illness. Don’t spread any negativity. Tell him how distraught you would be and your child would be and even if he doesn’t feel there is a point for himself yet that there is a point for you. Spread positivity and enforce the help upon him. That’s all you can do.

You poor woman! I can completely understand the anger as first reaction. Possibly due to feelings of lack of control. If the police are getting inI touch with a crisis team I see this as a good thing, he could be on the way to getting the help he needs which may not entailbeing sectioned.

All the best to you

And on the support thing, is it a financial problem? Is he self employed? More context might help with better advice.

No I'm sorry but if you yourself don't suffer with mental health problems you can't imagine how it feels. And I think if he knew you were angry it'd make him feel 10x worse.

I say this as someone who has struggled for YEARS and cling to the support my family offer

I feel sorry for him and his mental health, if you haven’t had the issues you sometimes don’t understand how desperate it can be. Yes be upset but be supportive.

Yes he is self employed, and has so far had to cancel 2 months worth of work. I havent told him I'm angry or expressed I'm upset, I guess I wanted to vent here so I can be more supportive when he (hopefully) comes home. Just struggling with it all tbh!

My DH is also self employed .It must hit really them really hard , i know i will probably get flammed for a potentially sexist comment but he may well feel that he was the provider and he is letting you down .If he already has mental health issues this will just compound it .I know my DH is feeling it as i am the one still going out to work while he is only doing emergencies instead his normal full week .You need support too , it is normal to feel angry .I have a very go friend who suffers with mental health it is tough but hopefully the crisis team will start the ball rolling for him for him .Be kind to him but remember you need to be kind to yourself too .

Op may not (or may?) not know how it’s feels to have mh problems but equally being on the other side and having to support a loved one with them. Draining, exhausting, soul destroying, sometimes even beyond that.

You have every right to be angry op. Any emotion you feel right now is ok.

Offer what support you can but don’t let it be at your own expense. This is in no way meant to be derogatory towards those going through issues with mh. Iv been on both sides.

Mh problems take the sufferer down and everyone around then sometimes. If you can, remember his actions are not him, they are the illness but first and foremost look after yourself op.

Bit of a drip feed there, he's got no way of earning any money - no wonder he feels like ending it all. There's absolutely no use in telling someone 'but you've got children...', those who are determined to end things truly believe the children will be better off without them.

Rather than being livid, look at the reasons why this has happened.

@viciousjackdaw yes sorry i should have included that in OP. It is very hard that he has no way of earning money, and feels hopeless, but this is the case for lots of people - we are not the only ones in this situation.

I'm sorry but I do feel its a bit selfish to run away and end it all, not thinking about what devastation is left behind. But then I would feel like that from this side I suppose! I want to support and help him, but I really am struggling with being angry.

To be honest if this were me I would get livid with him, force him to read the small print of the life insurance which says if suicide then no payout!

I'd be telling him what a selfish, immature person he is and to get a grip. I'd be sitting down with the bank statements and forcing him to discuss realities and positive steps and sources of help etc i.e. make a plan like an adult instead of running away like a child.

Unless of course he has longstanding MH issues and has done this suicide threat before.. in which case I'd be pushing for him to be sectioned for his own bloody safety.

Anger, in a situation like this, can be a protective response. You got angry which kept you functioning and you took action - you called the emergency services - you didn't freeze. YANBU to feel anger; you are the one who would have been left to pick up the pieces had he killed himself, of course it makes sense that you would be angry about your DH being willing to dump that on you. You can still worry about your DH, you can still have compassion for his MH problems and you can, if you choose to, still support him during treatment and recovery...you can do all that and still have any and all of your own emotions be entirely valid!

but this is the case for lots of people - we are not the only ones in this situation.

Yes, but it's only his life he's trying to live and the fact that others are suffering too doesn't actually change or reduce his suffering. It's like if you'd smashed your leg up and were in pain but were refused pain relief because "other people's legs are smashed up but you don't hear them screaming in agony".

Having it pointed out that not only are shitty things happening in his life but lots and lots of other people's lives doesn't really seem likely to make someone feel the world is a good place to be part of.

Calling someone selfish because they are in so much pain they're contemplating the absolute horror of ending their own life - or expecting them to continue to suffer because you don't want to suffer yourself - is hardly selfless.

Has he spoken to his accountant about any grants etc available, applied for universal credit etc ? I know there’s not a lot of money out there but providing some might help. I know you are angry but you need to hide that just now.

@LadySlipper11
This happened to my husband on Thursday last week. He has a history of Psychosis. Twice in 3 years not including this time. Sectioned once before. He literally could not cope with not being at work and being in lock down and it all just escalated over night. (I really don’t think I’m that bad to live with!) I don’t want to go into to much detail what happened but the police came and he was sectioned within 3 hours. I know what you are going through as same as your DH, mine gets all ‘his affairs into order’ which usually means cancelling DD!! Fortunately we have a joint account so I can take over and control things. I feel for you. It is a horrible situation. Hand hold for you

AIBU to be absolutely livid?

Well for his point of view yes, and being livid won’t help him but I understand why you are angry for DS. I’ve been suicidal, I made my way back but I often worry I will end up there again.

Being suicidal means you are in so much pain and torment that there is no way to shut it all off- unless you end it all.....permanently.

People who say that those that commit suicide are selfish don’t get that those that plan it are actually thinking that the people they leave behind “would be better off if I weren’t here” because they are so miserable, in so much pain that they feel they are worthless and are dragging everyone else down and making everyone around them suffer.

OP I’m glad he’s been found, I hope the crisis team are not so useless and underfunded as they are in most areas and that they can help him.

YABU - he’s in a difficult place so should be supporting him.

I'm sorry but I do feel its a bit selfish to run away and end it all, not thinking about what devastation is left behind.

Mental health does make you selfish. But it's not his fault.

I can understand your anger, OP, but he is no more responsible for his poor mental health than he would be if he had a physical illness.

Vent away on here, with friends/family, whatever, but please don't let him become aware that this is how you feel. He feels shit enough already without that.

Just wanted to say sorry you're facing this. I can understand how this situation has affected your husband: I was suffering depression before all this shit started and it's definitely taking its toll on my mental health. But I can also understand your anger, having a husband myself with severe anxiety.

Please do vent here and i hope your husband gets all the help he needs.

I can understand your anger OP. When the going gets tough we want someone we can rely on, be a team, get through it together. I have to admit I've been eye rolling at lots of the - I'm freaking out - posts lately. I always try to be someone I would like to have around in a crisis, rather than part of the problem. We don't all have the luxury of running away from our problems.

I understand your anger and you definitely need to find a space where you can vent and talk about your own feelings. You may well find that the crisis team will talk to you about support. That's what happened for my husband when I was suicidal and was sectioned. He had a couple of sessions on his own with the team and they also put him in touch with a group of partners of people with mental health difficulties. He says it really helped him (and he is a stereotypically dour Yorkshireman!).

It might not seem like it now, but you can both get through this. I would say that our marriage is even stronger now than it was before and I am much stronger in terms of my mental health. You have every right to feel angry (I know my husband was), but try not to show this side of your feelings to your husband. Make sure that you have some one you can talk to without feeling that you have to censor what you're saying - even if that's just on Mumsnet. Look after your own well being and I hope you both get the help that you need.

As someone who has been on both sides of your situation Op I know from experience how bloody hard it is to support someone through years and years of poor mental health. Quite often people around you will forget that the person giving support needs support too! Forgive yourself for feeling how you feel, vent here and reach out for support for yourself so when your DH does return you’ll be in a better position to help him.