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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Am I being weird or is he?

22 replies

Rocket2019 · 31/03/2020 06:01

My ex and I split a while ago and he now has a new girlfriend.
I know I am incredibly jealous of her so you have to take that into account. She's spending time with my little girl and making a family with someone I love..
Anyway my ex took her away for the first time just before lock down to Edinburgh which is where he proposed to me. I thought it was really weird and hated it.
Now he's talking about hiring a castle to have a party when all this is over.
Which while it sounds really great is what we had planned to do for our wedding.
I mentioned this to him and he asked me why I always make things about me?
I don't know if he is right and I am being particularly paranoid or is he just trying to stamp me out of his mind and life completely?

OP posts:
letmeinthroughyourwindow · 31/03/2020 06:08

I think you've attached great significance to certain places, but he has not.

To him, Edinburgh is just a great city for a weekend away.

I'm sorry you are hurting though. Please do not give him the satisfaction of seeing that. By pointing these things out to him, you look pathetic, reveal that he is getting to you, and give him the opportunity to hurt you all over again.

Ponoka7 · 31/03/2020 06:18

If i got with a new partner, i would still want to visit places that we had done, because they are places that i love.

I think most people do want to return to Edinburgh. It's a lovely city. The castle thing is something that appeals to most people, a wedding isn't happening, so he's thinking party. As said, for him, it was more about the venue than the person he is with.

You are out of his mind. Now you need ways to get what he, is doing out of yours and build your life without him. Look up strategies to combat jealousy and use them.

Original poster
Rocket2019 · 31/03/2020 06:24

Thanks both.
I guess I look at those places as ours and I would never think of having that double thing in my head. Edinburgh beautiful city where I proposed to her or my first holiday with my new gf.
It's clearly just me reading into things too much.
Thanks again.

OP posts:
Malfoof · 31/03/2020 06:36

The best thing you can do is try and maintain an amicable relationship with him for the sake of your daughter. Any communication with him should be concerned with her. The rest of his life is no longer any of your business, you shouldn't have an opinion about where he goes and with whom. If you're asking him about these things, try and stop. If he’s telling you voluntarily, ask him to stop. It will be easier for you not to know, and therefore not to care about it.
I'm sorry if this sounds harsh, but having been in your situation I found it helped me to deal with it like this. My exh is the the father of my children, anything I have to say to him concerns them. I'm not interested in the rest of his life, I'm simply glad that he is out of mine.

Original poster
Rocket2019 · 31/03/2020 06:42

We do try to be amicable most of the time. I guess it's hard not to think about these things as my daughter tells me everything. Which is really good. But it hurts too. Not that I would ever tell her or show her.
He always said my worst habit was onverthinking. Guess it's one I have to break.

OP posts:
Malfoof · 31/03/2020 06:50

Ok, if it's coming from your daughter, that's unavoidable I guess. How old is she?
My kids told me stuff in the beginning and I’d reply ”that’s nice” or something like that, and not ask them any questions. They hardly talk about things that happen at dad’s house now.
Anyway, if you can try and make a switch in your head about how to relate to him, then you'll feel better.

Original poster
Rocket2019 · 31/03/2020 06:56

She's 7.
I don't really want her to stop. I want her to be able to tell me everything and for me to be okay with it.
I just need to think about things less and be happy for him.
I sound really sad but I think I'm going to be okay.

OP posts:
Malfoof · 31/03/2020 07:04

You know what, you don't even have to be happy for him. Being neutral is ok. That old cliché about time being a great healer is true as well. With time you'll care less and less.
I’m sure you will be ok and wish you love and happiness in your life with your daughterSmile

Samtsirch · 31/03/2020 07:07

I was once with someone who took me only to places he had gone to with his ex.
I found that hurtful, it was as though he didn’t have the imagination to think of anything new to do,so maybe your ex is a little bit like that.
I really feel for you OP
Try to stay strong for your self and your little girl.
I think time is the only thing that will help mend your heartbreak.

Original poster
Rocket2019 · 31/03/2020 07:13

Thanks both. It's a struggle not being able to see friends at the minute so it's great that there's a place to go for advice, sympathy and to call me out when I'm wrong.
I guess sometimes it's easier to focus on small annoying things than look at the bigger picture which will just take some time to get better.

OP posts:
mummmy2017 · 31/03/2020 07:23

Sounds like most men, only even do what they have done before, or idea s they have been given.
Instead of he suggests some event you wished to do give him other ideas.
DD would love to do Center Point, or hire a swimming pool.
I know you won't go but you could plant suggestions so your child gains

Original poster
Rocket2019 · 31/03/2020 08:05

I really only know him. He's a good dad most of the time! 😀
But then I'm certainly not perfect! 😀
I guess I'd find it strange making suggestions to my daughter but it is a different way of thinking.
I just have to not think about ulterior motives or think about how he thinks.
So difficult after that's all you've done for years!

OP posts:
EveryDayIsADuvetDay · 31/03/2020 08:33

It's a struggle not being able to see friends at the minute

You need to make a real effort to keep up with friends; calls, video calls, rekindle relationships with people you'd lost touch with recently.
You need adult conversation to give you a focus and an outlet (two way conversations that are mutually supportive, not solely focussed on your ex). Hopefully that will help you start to build your new single life and remove the anxieties around your ex.

dontdisturbmenow · 31/03/2020 08:35

It shows how much he lacks imagination. She'll clock to it at some point and that won't make her feel too great. Not an attractive trait.

Original poster
Rocket2019 · 31/03/2020 08:40

I do. You're right. Sometimes it's difficult. We're all stuck in at the moment but hopefully will get better soon.

OP posts:
Brefugee · 31/03/2020 08:41

I guess I look at those places as ours and I would never think of having that double thing in my head

Sorry you're feeling down, OP, but everyone is different. Would it help to look up how many people visit Edinburgh every year? it is special for so many people

Original poster
Rocket2019 · 31/03/2020 09:10

It is. I know. But even though we aren't together any more I thought our memories would always be special and just for us. It sounds so stupid doesn't it?!

OP posts:
Winterwoollies · 31/03/2020 09:31

Rocket, I’m sorry you’re going through this. It truly is quite torturous and made worse by the enforced isolation.

When did you break up?

What you really have to try to do is keep your relationship with your ex purely about your daughter. Try to close all the other stuff down. Do not give him the satisfaction of seeing you hurt, it will bolster his ego and he doesn’t deserve that.

It will throw him entirely if you’re light and breezy and brief with him. You may have to fake it until you make it. But by closing off your feelings you will begin to heal.

Standrewsschool · 31/03/2020 09:36

If he proposed to you in Edinburgh, then I would feel a little hurt that he took her to your special place for their first trip away. A proposal is pretty significant. If I was the new gf,, I would also feel miffed that new bf took me to where he proposed to his ex!

The castle wouldn’t bother me so much. He obviously likes the idea of a party in a castle.

ineedsun · 31/03/2020 09:39

When I got married I asked my husband when he first wedding was so that it wasn't in the same date. He had absolutely no idea. It just wasn't significant in his head.

I've been back with the family (including husband) to the place where my ex proposed. It's a nice place.

Definitely try and break the overthinking habit. It won't make you happy.

Hotwaterbottlelove · 31/03/2020 09:42

It doesn't sound stupid, you are hurting. Give it time and actively work on having good experiences without him.

I think some people struggle to have the view of 'we are now broken up but the old memories are still special'. Many people prefer to go for the 'we are now broken up so all memories are bad or to be forgotten about'.

Additionally, some people are the same in a relationship regardless of who else is in the relationship. I ended a good on paper 4 year relationship when I realised that the way he was with me is exactly how he would be with any girlfriend. In his mind, there were things a good boyfriend did so he did them with me, her previous girlfriend and now with his current wife. Many people are okay with that. No doubt it makes him a fairly decent husband. I wanted an amazing husband.

Original poster
Rocket2019 · 31/03/2020 11:16

Thanks everyone. It's really good to get a bit of perspective?

OP posts:
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