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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To refuse any help

22 replies

TooDamnProud · 30/03/2020 23:56

What the hell is wrong with me? I live rurally, stuck in the house with young kids, DH is stranded overseas with work with no answer when he will be back. I broke my foot 2 weeks ago so can't drive anywhere, can't get to shops. A few locals have reached out and offered to help if I need anything at all and I am too proud to admit I do. Just telling everyone I am fine. I am so not used to rely on anyone, always deal with all shit by myself but this is too much at the moment and still I won't ask people to help me. I am the tough cookie. I cannot show anyone I am weak and helpless. I struggle but won't admit this. Can somebody please slap me and tell me to cut this shit out. I am losing it.

OP posts:
Tinty · 30/03/2020 23:58

Ok for your DC, you need to let people help you. You can starve on principle you can’t let your DC starve.

Let them help you for your DC’s benefit.

LouiseTrees · 30/03/2020 23:58

You will run out of food if you don’t snap out of it. Message those locals back or ask other family.

RedPanda2 · 30/03/2020 23:59

Cut this shit out. It's difficult. Acknowledge that it will be difficult, and let someone help you. It's not forever. You'll still be strong and, but you need help now. Hope you're ok

tunnocksreturns2019 · 31/03/2020 00:00

Oi! Ask for help! If it’s helps you, pretend in your head you’re asking for your kids, not yourself. You’ll help them, yes?

I do get it. I was widowed young and have had to ask for help various times since. I hate it.

I changed the time on a really high up, massive clock on my own yesterday. Couldn’t have that wrong until lockdown ends!!

Go on. Ask. It’ll be okay.

Halo1234 · 31/03/2020 00:03

In situations like this where I know what I need to do but don't want to do I say to myself what would your advice be to your adult children in the future. What would u want them to do? Then take that advice. U need help. Take it. And pay it forward when u can.

OmgThereAreNoPlanesAboveMeNow · 31/03/2020 00:13

Don't be stupid

GetTheSprinkles · 31/03/2020 00:25

People offering to help are people who generally WANT to help. It makes them feel good. Really, OP, you're doing them a favour ; )

Daftodil · 31/03/2020 00:27

I know what you mean. It is a difficult thing to see yourself as vulnerable or in need of extra help when you are used to being strong. But help isn't a finite resource. Just because someone helps you doesn't mean you are taking help away from someone else. And some people desperately want to feel useful, so allow them their kindness and accept with good grace. Plenty of time to repay favours if you feel you need to.

PrincessConsueIaBananaHammock · 31/03/2020 01:07

What are you afraid will happen if you admit "weakness"?

There are times when you need to keep going because if you don't, you'll just collapse and possibly never get up. This is not one of those times.

If it helps reframe it as what the children need. You can skip your needs off the list but I wouldn't recommend it.

Tbh, given your personality, it would probably take more courage and strength to ask for help than rejecting it. Rejecting it is what you're used to, it's your default... the easy way out.

So if you're really that strong and bad ass, show it! Message someone and admit you/the kids need help.

hatsandshoes · 31/03/2020 01:09

If it helps can you think of something you can do in return for them once this has all blown over? So you don't feel like it's take take

Original poster
TooDamnProud · 31/03/2020 01:10

If there is a small business delivery locally then I make an order. It doesn't happen often. But that's different because I am not actually asking anyone, just adding to their delivery so they have to make one more stop and I can pay with a bank transfer or over the phone. It's the thought of actually sending a message and saying 'I need these things please can you help' that makes me feel like I have hit my lowest point. I cry when kids don't see it. I don't tell anybody about it. I can feel my mental health is going to shit. I know I am not the only one but I can't help but feel like a useless crap. I should be the one helping vulnerable, I should be doing deliveries to my elderly neighbors. I am a good person, I could help and I want to. Unfortunately tables have turned and I am the vulnerable one. Sorry about the cry. I needed to tell someone. I am in a really bad place just now.

OP posts:
hatsandshoes · 31/03/2020 01:10

By the way people wouldn't offer if they didn't want to help so stop being a nugget

PrincessConsueIaBananaHammock · 31/03/2020 01:13

You deserve help too. It doesn't make you vulnerable ,it makes you part of a community.

Have you talked to anyone about your mental health? Are you getting any support with it? How long has this been going on? Is it just since the leg or before?

cakeandchampagne · 31/03/2020 01:25

Let them help you & your children. Maybe just ask them to pick up some eggs and milk, or do something simple first.
There are many kind & generous people. And some other time, you will be the one offering something that is needed.

user1473878824 · 31/03/2020 01:39

I really want to be all oooh hand holdy. You have children. Just ask for help. No one cares. We’re in the middle of a pandemic, no one is doing it for point scoring and you’re being ridiculous.

Now I have that out of my system: OP, just ask! People are offering because they want to make life easier for you and aren’t going to judge you for it! We’re all in the same boat!

PumpkinP · 31/03/2020 01:42

Wow you’re lucky you have people offering help. I don’t, I wish I did. Don’t take it for granted.

GreenTulips · 31/03/2020 02:01

My friend is a single mother to three, and is recovering a from a heart operation.

I do not think she is weak or vulnerable or incapable or anything else

I think she’s stuck, unable to drive and has children with medical conditions and needs a bit of help.

Going to the shop for a loaf is no hardship until he scheme of things.

lyralalala · 31/03/2020 02:08

You need to see their help like you would a bandage or an xray for your foot.

If you saw someone with a broken leg using crutches you wouldn't think they were weak or stupid for using them. You know that people use crutches for a bit of help with balance until they can manage again.

That's all you'd be doing. having a bit of help balancing until you can fly solo again.

Gibbonsgibbonsgibbons · 31/03/2020 02:08

Could you think about letting someone help as doing them a kindness? People love to help (also for some a “free” trip out would be everything!)

Peppafrig · 31/03/2020 02:48

Take the help no one would offer if they didn't mean it

avrilpoissons · 31/03/2020 05:02

You are lucky to have help available so take it,

Suze1621 · 31/03/2020 05:28

From the book 'The Boy, the Mole, the Fox and the Horse'
"What's the bravest thing you have ever said?" asked the boy?
"Help" said the horse.

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