Tips on co-parenting a breastfedbaby

[KJW2020]

Hello,

I was hoping for some advice on effectively coparenting a breastfed baby - both in this current crisis climate, but also longer term.

Background:
My baby’s father and I are generally on very good terms (we’ve never been in a romantic relationship - planned pregnancy through IVF as long term friends. I’m single and he is in a gay relationship with a very supportive partner who I’m very happy is involved as he’s certainly the more rational one of the two!) and we are both aligned on the long term custody arrangement (every other weekend and possibly one evening when he’s older), but we are struggling to agree on the transition timelines as well as contact approach during this current lockdown period.

Baby has just turned 8 months old and is exclusively breastfed, alongside his 3 regular solid meals (refuses a bottle - I’ve had tried many times with every kind of bottle and teat going!). As I’m on my own with him 95% time it hasn’t bothered me as it’s the most convenient and cheapest way, as well as all the additional health benefits.

His Dad currently comes over everyday Sunday and then Weds after work for bath time. I’ve always made a conscious effort to try and give them alone time (by going out myself or letting him and his partner take my son out with them locally for lunch etc). But he’s never been away from me for more than 4 hours in the day as I’m still feeding every 4 hours.

Long term plan:
The aim in my head was (pre-Coronavirus) as I drop the next day feed, to start letting his dad pick him up and take him to his place in between feeds (gap between 7am and 2.30pm) and then obviously as I later drop the 2.30pm he can bring him back for bath time. This is my first baby, so not sure of exact timings but would have hoped we’d be at full day stage by 10-11 months?

I planned to still breastfeed first thing 7am/last thing 6.30pm at least until 12 months. And as that’s around the same time I’m going back to work and there’ll be a big routine change for my son with childcare etc, maybe aim to stop 13-14 months. I don’t want breastfeeding to be a blocker to overnight stays, but regardless of the breastfeeding I also don’t want to rush the overnight contact until I feel comfortable my son is ready. My plan then was to suggest his dad stay over at mine for the first time, then I join my son to stay over at his for the next 2-3 times on consecutive weeks. And then suggest keeping the once a week overnight stay for a good few months (until son is 18 months?) before jumping to a full weekend Fri-Sun. Does this sound reasonable?

Immediate contact issue:
I think his dad is getting frustrated at the steady pace of the current contact and lack of alone time (ideally he would have him for a full weekend now on his own!). He sent me a message last week saying his doctor friend had advised (which I highly doubt!) if I got the virus then he’d need to take our son into his full time care, which I was quick to shut down explaining my son and I would have to self isolate together and only if I was too ill to feed would we need to consider back up care options. I would have hoped he instead would have suggested of how he could help to support me looking after him during this isolation period as I am on my own and the only reason I’ve not left London for my parents is so he can still see my son.

Now amongst this crisis he announced yesterday he wants to pick my son up and take him over to his on Sundays (they’ve recently moved so are only 15 mins drive away). I explained I felt really strongly that at this stage in the lockdown I did not feel at all comfortable with him going off out of his home environment or away from me and it was unnecessary as we are still some months off him being able to take him for a long period of time, but he and his partner were very welcome to come over to ours as per usual arrangement (providing they’d both taken the necessary precautions). I have plenty of indoor and outdoor space at mine so that is not a problem. Again, am I being unreasonable?

We’ve agreed mediation is the best way forward so if anyone has any tips for me on either family mediators available online during lockdown or on how to present my case on both long term and short term plans, please let me know. I’d be very appreciative! Also if anyone has feedback on my proposed timelines above, I’d welcome it.

Thank you!

Do not stop breastfeeding if either of you become ill! WHO advice.

I don’t know about the care thing, but I breastfed all 3 of mine until they were 2, but went back To work when they were 10 months old. And they were fine with a feed in the morning and at night (the youngest 2 were bottle refusers. The big one didn’t care!) and just had water out of a sippy cup with meals in the day. I also fed them in the day at weekends and my supply was fine with that so I would think 10 months for full days would be fine.

I left them overnight from about 12 months old. Again, they were fine and I was fine. But I didn’t leave them for a full weekend; it was a drop with grandparents overnight, back first thing in the morning job. I didn’t leave them for longer than about 14 hours overnight until they were past 2 (mainly because my boobs would have exploded )

Honestly, he's much more likely to take a bottle from someone who isn't you. I think, since they're so close, I would let them take him to theirs, with a bottle, and if he refuses to take it, they can bring him back. But I do think they should be allowed to try, tbh. In the worst case scenario, if you get it and end up in hospital, they will need to be able to care for him, and I don't think it's unreasonable at 8 months for them to expect to start doing that much more.

So yes, in general, I would say you are being unreasonable. Shared custody is allowed during lockdown and whether they come to you or he goes to them makes little difference re. possible contamination.

Yes I think whether they come to yours or baby goes to them is irrelevant in terms of spread of the virus. I think by 8 months longer contact away from you is not an unreasonable ask - baby is no longer "exclusively" breastfed, he's having meals/snacks, water etc.
It would be far more unsettling for your son if something happened to you and he was suddenly with his dad for a long period out of the blue, it makes more sense to start gradually building to this now.

A mediator at only 8 months in.. do you have any awareness of how you come across? Cloud cuckoo land is the most polite phrase I can think of..

Just from a family courts perspective, your baby's dad would be basically guaranteed full day access every Sunday at his, for an 8month old baby who is on solids and is only a 15min drive away. So if mediation fails and it ends up in costly court, I can't see why any judge would think this is unreasonable for an 8 month old baby.

I'd work on fighting your bigger battles - which is probably overnight access atm. I'd concede the full days on Sundays at theirs, with a plan to start overnights at 12months. You would look far more reasonable agreeing to this.

You made a baby with someone, you really need to consider their needs too when it comes to contact. It seems like you are using the baby as a shield for you not agreeing to reason contact with the baby's dad. The baby is not exclusively breastfeeding, theres no reason why dad shouldn't be able to have a day visits with his son

It sounds like you are trying to facilitate contact between father and son but that you are still seeing it as contact rather than co-parenting. You even said that dad and his partner take MY son out. It's his son too! This must've been the agreement when you went ahead with this arrangement? You are allowing the baby's dad to have a few hours contact a week, not letting him parent his son with his partner. I'm not surprised he's getting a bit frustrated to be honest. Obviously the lockdown hasn't helped matters at all but children of parents in different households are allowed to go between both.
Although still very young, your son no longer relies solely on breast milk for food and if he is otherwise eating and drinking well he can go longer than 4 hours with his dad between feeds. I could be barking up the wrong tree but it does sound a bit like you don't trust your son's dad to parent him and you don't want your son to be away from you, not in your home as you aren't ready for it, not necessarily that your son isn't ready for it. I hope you can find a solution but I do think it sounds like the dad has been quite patient so far.

Do not stop bf if you get the virus, the WHO guidelines recommend bf for the first 2 years if you're able and willing, don't let some quack guess that coronavirus should stop bf be the end of it!

Other than that I think it sounds like you're being a bit focused on contact rather than facilitating him being an equal parent... You aren't divorced, he's presumably signed up to be an equal parent with your agreement during the planning.. you need to work within that, overnights at 12 months if you're only 15min away would be reasonable if baby is on solids..

But don't let childcare arrangements that you have some negotiation on dictate end if bf, that would be very awful and something I'd regret in your shoes.. it's not like it's something difficult to work around like work commitments or juggling other family needs..

I think he sounds like he has been more than reasonable for longer than necessary. If you were back at work already which is more than reasonable, you'd have no choice and your baby would take a bottle, probably a sippy cup at this age from other people.