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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Cocaine problem

19 replies

purplepolo · 29/03/2020 11:29

Me and ex split about 2 months ago due to me finding out he had being doing cocaine, about a week ago we had a chat about how hes sorting himself out, hes cut himself off from the friends that were also doing it and that he wants his family back (have 2 children, both under 4).

I thought he was a changed man, and things had be fine for the short week lol. Yesterday afternoon after a nice family day (not much choice with the lockdown!) I found out he was on coke! In our home, around the kids! He was going out to his van for fags as he had had a few drinks and smokes when hes been drinking, and in the end I figured out he'd been doing it. I denied at first, I then went on his phone and see he had called x friend twice during the time he had gone to the "shops" but came back empty handed, and then looked at his banking and saw he made a withdrawal at a cash machine of the amount you'd need for coke.

Straight away I tell him to leave, that there's no more chances, and that hes taken the absolute piss. I get called every name under the sun, followed by I'm really sorry I need help please I just want you and my family, to you're going to regret this I'll kill myself then the girls wont have their dad because of you...

Hes saying I am being unreasonable because no one else is going to put him up during this lockdown, that he only did it as he had been drinking and that he will stop drinking all together. He keeps asking what exactly it is hes done wrong, it's not like hes cheated on me...He hasn't got parents, his sister isn't local and is staying with her friend, so tbh I'm not sure where he can go but I don't want him here around me and the kids! Hes saying he needs help, that I need to help him. I tried to have him home again but already hes broken my trust, and he had the nerve to do it around me and the kids!

OP posts:
OlaEliza · 29/03/2020 11:31

Tell him to stay at his sister's while she isn't there.

TheFuckingDogs · 29/03/2020 11:36

I’m going to get in first and go against the grain here. . . These are super strange times we’re living in. I would put this on a shelf for now. He’s lied to you which is completely out of order however he clearly does have a problem as he has lied to you about doing it.
I would accept his offer to stop drinking entirely for the time being. Pissed up, tempted to get a deal etc none of this is good for his health. If he catches it he wants to be as fit and healthy as possible.
However he needs to understand what he has done wrong is broken your trust and he needs to apologise profusely and make his actions speak.
There’s so much drama at the moment I really would go down this calmer less dramatic route and review at a later stage

TheFuckingDogs · 29/03/2020 11:38

All this is said presuming he’s not violent or emotionally abusive. My opinion will be different if he is

Jennifer2r · 29/03/2020 11:38

He keeps asking what exactly it is hes done wrong

While ever you have to explain what is bad about his actions, he can't stay with you. Its not your responsibility where he goes.

Fespital · 29/03/2020 11:40

He's put your family at risk by buying non essential cocaine on a trip to the shops and presumably not adhering to 2m social distancing for the deal.

He can stay at his sister's and think about what a twat he is.

Fudgewhizz · 29/03/2020 11:41

@TheFuckingDogs Apologise profusely?!?! He’s been doing coke around kids!! I’m sorry but regardless of what is going on in the world there is absolutely no way I would let someone who’s doing coke around my children. This is not a ‘review at a later stage’ kind of a thing - this is a ‘go with your gut and keep your kids safe’ kind of thing. He knew what the situation might be when he did it. He is clearly and addict and if you keep him there you’re enabling it. He needs help, and not the sort that you can give him, but your no.1 priority has to be your kids.

h3av3n · 29/03/2020 11:42

If he doesn't have an addiction and it isn't causing him to treat you or anyone badly then I don't see the issue personally

SuperLoudPoppingAction · 29/03/2020 11:45

If he's threatening suicide phone the police to come and talk to him both for his safety and because it is him using coercive control against you.

Jennifer2r · 29/03/2020 11:46

He is treating the OP badly.

Called her 'all the names under the sun' (I assume children can hear)
Emotionally blackmailling with threats of suicide
Cash handling and other social contact risk of covid infection
Lying

I'm not moralistic about drugs in general but cocaine ruins lives, communities and families. If you buy coke you have the blood of children on your hands.

StCharlotte · 29/03/2020 11:47

Presumably his supply will dry up soon?

TheFuckingDogs · 29/03/2020 11:48

Fair point re: the emotional blackmail/verbal abuse. Very tired, didn’t see that bit 😣

FudgeBrownie2019 · 29/03/2020 11:50

Nah, as relaxed I am about the choices other people make, anyone doing drugs around children is an arsehole who doesn't give a fuck about anyone but themselves.

The rest of it, the lying and the manipulation, is typical behaviour from someone who isn't prepared to accept the need to change, so there's no point even trying. Safeguard yourself and your DC; he has no intention of doing so.

lowlandLucky · 29/03/2020 12:19

h3av3n ! Would you be happy with your Children being on drugs when they are teenagers ? The guy is a lying druggie. The problems that the drug trade bring to out streets is huge

Morgan12 · 29/03/2020 12:34

Jeezo this isn't a night out with his mates. He is on lockdown with his kids and went twice to get cocaine. Can't believe the people saying this isn't a big deal. What if the kids got a hold of it?

Get him to absolute fuck.

Don't let him blackmail you.

Intelinside57 · 29/03/2020 12:36

I'd be calling the police on this one.

thethoughtfox · 29/03/2020 12:37

Taking cocaine on his own to sit in the house with family and try to act normal isn't someone who is doing it recreationally. This sounds like an addiction.

Tistheseason17 · 29/03/2020 12:39

Get him out.
He is an emotiionally abusive addict who is trying to normalise drugs use in front of your children. OUT, OUT, OUT!

Zoecarter · 29/03/2020 12:45

Tbh I would have a lot less issue on him having sex with some one else then doing class A’s around my children

WhereYouLeftIt · 29/03/2020 12:57

He needs to go. Where he goes is neither your problem nor your responsibility, it's his; and he doesn't get to make it yours. When he says he needs help, that's what he's trying to do - shift it from him to you.

Where was he living until last week? He can go there. Or to his dealer's. Or to his sister's, she can chuck the keys to him out of her friend's window. And yes, call the police if he threatens suicide again.

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