Who is being unreasonable? Me or Dh

[Springhappy1988]

Technically dh and I are both classed as key workers as we both work in the transport industry. Different companies and very different roles. I can work from home, where as DH has a more manual job so cannot physically work from home. Because I can work from home we have kept our dd (4) at home despite her qualifying for a place at her nursery. Dh also works shifts where as I am 9-5 office based.

This last week DH has been on days, so has been up and out for 7, I have logged on work about the same time. Luckily my work have been really understanding that a lot of their workers are in the same situation so appreciate that work is done around keeping children entertained and occupied. There are a couple of key times I have conference calls etc. However it doesn't mean work has stopped, if anything its harder juggling everything with DD at home. She is good at entertaining herself for a while but after a bit she wants my attention.

I have tried to work my day around calls and when dd needs entertaining I have stopped for breakfast or lunch, got her to help me with jobs (washing, unloading the dishwasher, taking recycling/rubbish out)

Dh works until about 2 each day and is home by 230. At this point he usually takes over looking after dd, and will cook dinner for when I finish work (about 5-530) I would also take dd out for a short walk to get some fresh air.

We have some family time then between us we have been putting dd to bed (dh has probably done a few more bedtimes than me as I wanted to do some exercise now I can't get to the gym)

Dh and I were talking over dinner last night and he expressed how unfair he felt it was that he was doing the majority of the housework (ie clearing away a couple of dd's toys, cooking dinner - not clearing it away, and putting her to bed) while I was at home all day sat on my bum. I tried to explain that I was actually working very hard (I am in a lower management role) while also entertaining dd and trying to do the rest of the housework.

Dh is on nights next week and has categorically told me I will have no help so will need to manage everything!

I thought we had quite a good balance and now I feel like I didn't do enough!

then give him no help whatever he is a fucking grown up and can look after himself. he fucking lives there too and it is his child.

It is hard but he is being unreasonable. When on nights he will need time to sleep but also will have plenty of time to help. Maybe calmly discuss with him and reconsider using nursery.

This is the same conversation going on across the country. First of thank you for juggling WFH instead of using a place at school, it really does help our schools.

I wonder if he was just tired, can you revisit it? You both need to work and outside of work you both need to do chores. He is being unreasonable.

Sorry and our NHS as it reduces rate of transmission.

I think he is being unreasonable here mainly - aside from where you say he does bedtimes so you can exercise, take turns with this and make sure he gets an hour to do something he wants to do too.

If he is normally understanding and reasonable you guys should be able to find a routine that works. And when he is on nights go easy on yourself work wise. I found it literally impossible to “do it all” without my partner at home.

YANBU. He should be doing chores too. It is also his house and his child. He is not "helping" you as it is not supposed to be 100% your chores, he is doing his part.

Sounds like a difficult situation. I think every relationship will be tested during these times. One can never know gow difficult the day has been for the other and we all have different tolerance levels.

He may have been unreasonable to snap and say he will not help at all. Maybe this is an indication of how stressful it is for both.

Revisit the conversation. You love each other and you will both want each other to be happy. Resolve it, don't go one up. Use "I feel" sentences rather then "you don't do x" sentences.

Does he not realise that normal life= trained professionals doing childcare + your job + his job, whereas now you are doing two of those things, so he needs to step up and take on more as well? How can he not have noticed that you both need to do more at the moment?

@Thesnacklady he was always given the option on this. We both love doing bedtime with dd and quite often will do this together, and I always asked if he wanted to/if he minded etc so I never told him he had to if you see what I mean. I would have been more than happy to do it as well but know how much he enjoys doing dd's story as well so actually thought I was being nice!

Tbh this is a conversation we have even when lockdown isn't happening. He always feels hard done by that he does more around the house etc. He has never had an 'office job' and really doesn't u understand how a job sitting at a desk can be so intense. Wfh isn't new for me (always had 1-2 days a week before anyway) but it's a whole different ballgame with dd at home as well. She has probably had far too much tablet/tv time this week while I have been on calls (something else that dh has moaned about!) But again he doesn't realise I can't just log off and tend to her all the time.

I am not sure how you haven't murdered him. Slowly.

People who are having to WFH and look after small children at the same time are carrying one of the greatest burdens at the moment. IMO. Sounds beyond stressful.

Do try talking to him again. How can he not understand that you are working. What a knob.

Someone else said something to me that really resonated. It was to make sure that you both get equal amounts of down time. So if you take an hour for exercise make sure he has an hour of time do so something he wants to whenever it suits for you both.

He does need to understand that this time isn’t going to be a jolly but a way to make things easier for both of you is to relax all expectations.

He doesn't appreciate you or your work
Really think about whether this is what you want

Grin and bear it for now.
When all thus is over, see a divorce lawyer. This is not what you want in life is it?