To wonder if DP is controlling or just a bit shit?

[supersop60]

I've posted about DP before (and get accused of being 'hard work'). The latest things he has asked for -
!. For everyone to not alter the setting on the toaster, because he keeps burning his toast. (why can't he just look at the numbers on the dial before he puts the bread in?)

1. For me to leave his laptop charger plugged into the electric socket (even when he's using the laptop somewhere else) so that when he plugs it in to charge, it's ready. (even though I needed the plug for something else)
2. Signs all over the house to tell us to wash our hands.
3. The remote controls wrapped in plastic bags.
4. Me to sleep in the spare room, because he doesn't sleep well in there.

All small things, but they add up.

Is this his normal behaviour or since the coronavirus started?

He has issues. I’d be a bit sympathetic. There are people on here quarantining and ‘cleaning’ their post. That’s no different but doesn’t get ridiculed.

Do wonder about my partner's annoying requests similar to yours. But usually don't do any of them. Pretty much 4 or 5 requests a day. Causes some bickering, but also some laughs and me taking the pee. It can be a bit wearing when you're with each other 24/7. Don't think any relationship is perfect. Often wonder if other relationships are better than ours.

Missing the point slightly, but I’ve had four or five laptops over my lifetime and I’ve never ever left them unplugged .

The other stuff - it is so far outside of what husband and I would be arsed about that I really just cannot compute someone asking about it.

Remote controls in plastic bags???? Why?

The thing is that the way he likes his toast is NOT more important than the way you like your toast. His use of any plug socket does not take precedent over your use. In this respect, he is being hugely entitled. Why does he think his wishes outweigh yours?
Equally, why does he think that HIS toast and HIS laptop are your responsibility? In this respect, he is being immature.
Point this out to him and then Just say no. He’s not even entitled to an argument about this. What a dope.

I can see that some of his controlling behaviour is due to anxiety about the current situation, and that this is his way of dealing with it. PositiveVibez - the bags are easier to clean than all the fiddly buttons - it just looks bloody stupid.
Mabel - yes - it feels like his way trumps everybody else's way, and the DC and I have got much better at calling him out on it.
Re the spare bedroom - I sleep ok in there, he doesn't.

Lots of tiny 'oh so reasonable' rules.

He's just getting started.

So happy I don't live like that anymore. And yes, he is doing it on purpose.

Just ignore him and carry on as before.

1 - if he wants the toaster setting right, he needs to check first.
2 - hmm, I kind of get his point. I don't like people moving and unplugging my stuff. Can you not get an extension lead for that socket?
3 - patronising as fuck. I had a colleague who used to put up signs like that. I'd go around afterwards and put them in the bin
4 - pointless, surely? As people will just touch the plastic bags instead. Remotes are easy to just wipe down each day.
5 - I can sympathise with him if he doesn't sleep well. I'd turn the spare room into my private "nest" and leave him be!

Considering you posted about similar in 2015, and your DP quite clearly has some quirks, why on earth are you still with him if it bothers you so much? Either accept that's how he is (we all have our faults, no one is perfect) or move on.

1 and 2 i am on with him.
I take it you like your toast burned?
I keep my charges all otherwise i plug something in and then wonder why it never charges.
3 has he realised rest of the household doesn't wash their hands?

1. I think he is reincarnated grandma!
2. Odd

@OmgThereAreNoPlanesAboveMeNow

Why can’t you just check the toaster before you put the bread in?

DH and I like completely different toast. Mine is barely toasted, his is dark. If the other person uses the toaster you just change the setting. It’s not hard
Keeping the settings on one person’s preferences seems a bit selfish and one sided.

My ex was like this

Didn’t want back door open Ever
Didn’t like dripping taps
Didn’t like kettle water to boil spagetti
Insisted on food he liked
Hogged the TV all the time
Hogged the sofa

Cunt

Keeping the settings on one person’s preferences seems a bit selfish and one sided.

So she checks it and changes it to how she prefers. Then he checks it and changes it to how he prefers. "It's not hard."

Unless you mean it's her responsibility to change it to her liking, and also make sure it's adjusted to his liking without him having to think about it? Because that does sound very selfish on his part indeed.

My DH and I have different preferences. We both check the toaster before we use it. HIBU on that.

Infant stand people leaving things plugged in that aren't in use. Fortunately my DH is on my side with this. But why not have a designated place not plugged in (fire hazard!) and then you can put it there if he forgets and he can find it easily. Indo hate when people move stuff on me and I can't then find it. HIBU on that.

I get the signs and plastic bag but they're annoying. Just these on their own wouldn't be too bad so I don't really think HIBU if there is a problem with others washing their hands.

I'd turn the spare bedroom into my own space. It is unreasonable that he's kicking you out of your room because he doesn't sleep well in the spare room but at the same time is it just him who wants to sleep in separate rooms or do you both? If you both, I'd go for the spare room and make it your own space. If just him, he can put up with it unless it's because you do have symptoms and then I could understand him wanting you to move. So this one is trickier.

Very controlling.
And shit.
Ditch him.

Op, all of this is annoying behaviour by him, no question. But you started your post by saying you’ve been told you’re unreasonable before - so there has to be some context. Is he being annoying but also you’re massively unreasonable about other stuff that he puts up with?

Tell him its how you want things and if he doesn't like things that way he can leave and live on his own the way he likes.

user1473etc I have been told by people on here that I'm BU. Dp doesn't say it, he just gets agitated.
Writer - I didn't move the charger, I just unplugged it so I could use the socket for something else. It's always in the same place. The spare bedroom is too small to make my own space, and if I tried to do it, that would be it, for ever.

Bin him off.

He's being unreasonable. Probably extra anxious because of the situation which is understandable. What happens if you tell him he is being unreasonable?

Are you all WFH? I was under the impression that if one person in a household has it, everyone will get it.

I don't know, this sounds like more than just anxiety to me - he's clearly being an arse as well. At the very least it all centres around what he wants.

No 1 - petty. OP likes her toast on one setting, he on another. Why is it OP who has to make sure the toaster is always on his preferred setting?
No 2 - again this seems pretty. OP could plug his charger.
3 and 4 - over the top and a nuisance to others, but I can see how these could stem from anxiety.

So 1 to 4 are easy enough to accommodate if he does have MH trouble, or OCD, anxiety. However he also needs to be aware that others in the house shouldn't be the only ones making concessions to accommodate him.
Provided:

• He behaves reasonably if you don't comply. If he shouts, intimidates or is nasty or condescending then he's a controlling arse.
• OP is "allowed" to use the plug and he's only griping that OP hadn't plugged his item back in, not that she unplugged it in the first place.

However no. 5 - it doesn't sound from what you wrote that sleeping separately is a mutual decision. So he's taken it upon himself to relegate you to the spare room (that he himself doesn't like) for weeks, possibly months?
That's a pretty clear example of arsehole behaviour.

We have solved the toaster issue (DS2 likes warm bread) by having a 4 slot toaster with a dial for each pair of slots. You can have your side and his side with the settings you each prefer.

He is wrong on the charger, they still draw current when plugged in so it is environmentally unfriendly to leave them plugged in.

The other things sound like anxiety.