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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To only offer my CM a small retainer

46 replies

DaxonJaxon · 28/03/2020 19:40

I am self employed, tourist related, I have no work.
DH is not a keyworker and wfh atm.

CM looks after our twins who are 22 months 3 days a week. She only has our boys and some older children before and after school. They are a handful but they love the childminder and she loves them. I’m very happy with her, they’ve been with her since they were 8 months.

Before she was forced to close she told me she wasn’t going to take any keyworkers children because she didn’t want to have to get to know new children, she is quite picky with the kids and parents she deals with etc... I think she thought DH was a keyworker, but turns out he isn’t.

She closed last Friday and she told me by text today that she will expect full payment for the foreseeable future to keep twins places. It wasn’t a pay what you can. It wasn’t even very polite and it was forwarded by her husband (who does the accounts) rather than her.

I can’t afford to pay her, it’s over £1000 a month.

My AIBU is, we live in a big university hospital city. I see on my mum Facebook groups daily, keyworkers looking for childcare. She has no interest in doing this, as she already told me. Why should I pay her, money that I don’t have, when she could be working but doesn’t want to.

I presume she will also claim the government money which I know isn’t until June.

Surely we do what we can to stay afloat in these times.

OP posts:

Supersimkin2 · 28/03/2020 21:13

Who else can do the CM's job? Is the convenience worth the £?

CM's trying it on. If it's worth the hassle, suggest a retainer, but otherwise rip up the bill and send her best wishes for the future.

FudgeBrownie2019 · 28/03/2020 21:17

If she's genuinely good with your DC it would be such a shame to lose her - can you offer a retainer as others have suggested?

Great childcare is such a treasure to find and it would be lovely for her to continue caring for your DC when this is over. Can you compromise and offer her whatever you can afford? As much as she might be being cheeky, she's also probably in just as much of a panic about money and bills as you are and an honest, open conversation where you both offer a middle ground has to be a better resolution.

1300cakes · 28/03/2020 21:20

I wouldn't worry about "holding your spot", as she's already said she isn't taking new children so who would be taking the spot. Or not being able to find a spot with another provider when/if this is over. Many people will be in your same position and if there is demand, people will become childminders and create spots. Of course it's unfortunate for her but it is for everyone.

bleepbleepbla · 28/03/2020 21:29

She can't think that much of your kids if she's willing to lose them

Hellokitty82 · 28/03/2020 21:36

Hey - I'm watching this with interest so me and dp are both keyworkers (NHS)

We both work set hours/shifts and use our CM 2 days a week when we both work the same days. We do 4 days each

Child one has 30hrs which CM gets some and the pre school gets some

child two we pay for as not yet 3yrs old

The CM although knows us and other parents are families with 2 keyworkers (we live a mile away from a huge hospital!) sent us all a text saying she'd made the decision not to work as her husband is diabetic (so has voluntarily decided not to work but we understand why)

A bit of a shame as people are desperate for childcare atm

Last week my manager came to me to ask me to do extra work but if I have to pay for childcare it's not really worth it. There is a day care at the hospital that has capacity to take my 2 but I'd have to take hours from the cM or pre-school to cover the costs and although it's a good idea for them we are thinking the kids are better at home and not in a setting with lots of other children potentially at risk with coughing and sneezing over each other as we as adults are a lot more careful.

We get our bill from the CM at the end of the month (so Monday/Tuesday so it will be very interesting to see what she is going to charge me but my friend is a solicitor and she said that if we chose to withdraw them we'd have to pay full whack but if the setting isn't open and the service is not currently in-available then we aren't obliged to pay a retainer or anything as in effect the CM has withdrawn her services

What we've done is we have both cut down our working week and dp is doing 3 nights and I'm doing 3 days and still have a family day on a Sunday

With the shift allowance my partner gets for the nights we are actually better off and are now considering making this a permanent arrangement and saving ourself lots of money every month because then we could manage the working week without a CM

We both get 9 weeks holiday and both sets of grandparents can usually help they're are self isolating for safety but all in their 60's not over 70

I think CM's need to be mindful that if people can manage without them and safe money, they probably will do that xx

MT2017 · 28/03/2020 21:37

I think people who are unwilling to compromise at all in these unprecedented times are being so shortsighted.

Rosebel · 28/03/2020 21:38

I would offer 20% if you can to cover what the government won't pay. It's not your she's not getting a true 80%.
Obviously she has bills to pay but so do you. If she refuses to budge on payment then just terminate your contact. If don't have to pay when she's closed then she shouldn't be asking for money.

Meaniebobeanie · 28/03/2020 21:45

I agree off the 20% as a retainer. Asking you to pay 1000 a month for not looking after your children but keeping a place is really too much.

CeriseClementine · 28/03/2020 21:51

Just politely decline and say that you're withdrawing them. Zero further payments as she's not providing any service. When she's back open, if you need childcare and she has spaces/wants them back, you can talk again. All the best.

She'd have already done herself out of any chance of me paying even 20% with her entitled rudeness.

AnneElliott · 28/03/2020 21:52

I agree you should offer the 20% as the retainer. If she's eligible for the Gov funding then why would she be seeking to charge full fees?

PeterPanGoesWrong · 28/03/2020 22:02

So don’t pay her, but don’t moan when in 4 months you don’t have any child care!

My husband lost his auntie June, he can’t even go to her funeral.

Legoandloldolls · 28/03/2020 22:02

I think you need to be really careful. My cm wanted a 100% retainer while I was off on maternity leave then said she had made a mistake with her rated and put my fees up by 40% I told her it was no longer her worth me working and I couldn't afford it. I think she thought I was lieing. But i could give more money than i was paid so i left and she was extremely off the whole notice period with my child. Nursery was cheaper in the end. My previous CM who was lovely gave me 4 weeks notice before her. Nursery is so much less hassle with fixed T&Cs

amusedbush · 28/03/2020 22:32

My husband lost his auntie June, he can’t even go to her funeral.

I’m sorry for his loss and I’m sorry that he’s in such a crap situation but that’s nothing to do with the OP.

£1000 a month is a huge amount of money and your husband’s situation doesn’t lessen this problem.

MonkeyDishwasher · 29/03/2020 02:35

@DaxonJaxon Honestly her behaviour is tantamount to extortion or even blackmail. If I were you, I'd be grateful to have found out now, what a truly awful person that she clearly is. I wouldn't want my children anywhere near someone that arrogant and selfish. Tell her to do one!

WutheringTights · 29/03/2020 08:28

I've been reading this as we're in a similar situation. We've known our CM for years as she's looked after all of my children from tiny. She now just does school/nursery wrap around. She's asked to be paid in full for the rest of the school year as she says the government scheme won't even cover her business overheads, even though she's still taking key-worker children.

On face of it we look fine as were both still working, but I might not have a job after May (and won't be eligible for government help - long story but it's correct) and my husband's business won't last past September unless this is over very quickly. We can't really justify paying out money unnecessarily when we might need every penny just to put food on the table soon. We don't even need the wrap around care past July as we'd always planned to use school wrap around from September as it's cheaper than the CM.

On the one hand, my CM is now a friend who I trusted with the people most precious to me in world and I don't want her to suffer financially. On the other hand I can't justify voluntarily giving someone else money when family might need it, particularly when the government is providing support to her but won't to us.

Our compromise for now is to agree to pay this month and next to tide her over until the government payments arrive in June, but to put her on notice that it's likely to end after that. Either way we lose - she'll feel aggrieved that we're not paying her as much as she wants and we'll feel annoyed that we're paying more than we want to. It's just shit both ways.

GreenFingersWouldBeHandy · 29/03/2020 08:34

The contract says if they are closed we don’t have to pay.

Point this out to her but offer her a small retainer. She is a CF to demand full payment when she is closed.

Boysnme · 29/03/2020 09:06

Agree with others, offer the 20% and if she says no send HeidiHoNeighbour message and withdraw. When this is over there will be lots of people and childminders in the same boat, spaces will be available at other childminders or yours may come back regretting her choice and saying the space is available.

Needbettername · 29/03/2020 09:22

How much is it per day? If it's £1000 a month for twins doing 3 days that is over £40 per day. That seems a lot for a child minder but obviously depends on where you are.

GinDrinker00 · 29/03/2020 09:28

I would offer twenty percent or nothing. This could go on for 12-18 months, a lot of money to chuck away! She can always claim universal credit in the time being.

motheroreily · 29/03/2020 09:58

I have the same dilemma. It's so interesting if you look at l the different threads on here. Some are saying you should pay some you shouldn't. The pacey websites says providers shouldn't be charging fees if they are closed but should be reasonable and balanced when dealing with parents. I won't have a job after September so I'm not sure if I should pay for a space I won't need in the future.

NoIDontWatchLoveIsland · 29/03/2020 10:40

The thing is, someone is going to lose here. You, or her. If she has only had the income from your twins for a short while she may not get much help from government.

If you want to keep her, the fairest thing to do is split the loss & pay part of it.

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