AIBU to feel like giving up. Toddler not eating.

[NightIbble]

My 2.5 DS used to be a fantastic eater and would eat anything but has got increasingly picky and now will hardly eat anything apart from baby snacks, some fruit and yogurt!
With anyone else (nursery, babysitter) he eats really well it's just with us. We have tried eating together at the table, him eating by himself got him a little table and chair as he was outgrowing the high chair, TV on TV off, just leaving it there, encouraging him to eat. He always had a variety of food available.
He has just had a full scale melt down because DH picked up a forkful of spaghetti and asked him to try a tiny bit.
I know can't be bothered to cook him anything as I know it won't be eaten and it seems really wrong to throw food away at the moment. It really getting to both of us and makes us feel like shit parents but I don't know what else to do.
It doesn't help that he has significant speech delay and possible autism and doesn't communicate when he is hungry or what he would like to eat.

Eating is a massive issue for many people with ASD.
There is an eating clinic that is very helpful and runs workshops.
If you scroll down to the bottom of that page you can buy a book that is excellent, and not just for people with ASD.

If he likely has autism, you need to choose your advice with care. Lots of it just won’t apply and will just lead to stress and tears. I’m afraid I don’t have any experience to give advice, but I’m sure others will.

Do what you need to fucking do right now. This is not the time nor environment to even entertain trying to entertain making progress.

All I would say is that if he will take it get the Basset’s chewy sweet vitamins or the Haliborange gummy things. That basically rubber stamps his daily intake of the vitamins he may need that he’s missing out on.

A short term fix for a short term set of insane circumstances and you can have another run at the problem with all of this is over and the professional support you need is likely to be there re sharing concerns about his delays/possible autism.

@Whatevah I have just gone and bought that book on your recommendation. Thanks for the tip!

He has wellbaby multivitamin in his morning milk so he's getting something I guess. I'm normally a bit more relaxed about it as he has 2 days at nursery where he eats well!

Can you try extra milk e.g. smoothies etc? I have no experience with ASD but just a thought!

Most of what you wrote spoke volumes to me and then I got to the bottom and it clicked.

It's so familiar to us. My little boy was a fantastic eater, weaned on all homemade food. He's now 3 and lives off toast, cereal, cheese sandwiches, smily faces, two types of fruit, yoghurt and snacks. That's it. He was diagnosed a couple of months ago.

Please don't stress. It's extremely common with kids with ASD. It's usually sensory. Keep offering food alongside something he will eat. Will he take a multivitamin? We get the liquid one and give it in squash. Not great but better than nothing.

The typical advice won't really apply in this situation, I found. I also try not to have any stress attached to meal times. I offer my son the same dinner as us in the hopes that one day he might try something and serve it with potato smileys.

It's hard going and disheartening when they don't eat the food you make, but please don't worry.

This is a common issue for DCs with ASD but van also affect other children with sensory sensibilities. Have a look at ARFID which explains the condition.

We’ve used the Division of Respossibility method which might not turn your DC into an adventurous gourmet, but it might reduce everyone’s stress.

In brief: your job is to provide food, your DCs job is to eat it, keep those two separate. Identify his list of safe foods. At each meal offer what the rest of the family are eating, plus 2-3 of the child’s safe foods, all ideally buffet style. Encourage your DC to serve himself, if age appropriate. Then say nothing. No praise, no encouragement, no bribery, no exasperation, no negotiation. If your DC eats, great, if not just, also fine. In 2-3 hours offer a snack to include 2-3 safe foods.

So he will eat all the food nursery give him?
If it is a sensory thing linked to his asd then some sensory play with food might help but that's hard to do atm when there is less availability.
Do you think giving him a choice would help? You said he has language delay so will he ask you for things or could he use pictures or symbols?
Atm with things being so out of routine that could be an added reason to why he isn't eating if he is anxious about the change.
I have a 2 year old.. Tonight's dinner was burgers and mash potatoes (weird combo but dh was in charge of dinner)
Ds ate the burger bap with butter followed by 2 weetabix with milk after everyone was finished. I think one piece of the beef actually went in his Louth voluntarily before he made a face and spat it back out again. For me that is progress as he has never been a fan of any meat and at least is beginning to try.
We try to make sure there is one element of the meal that ds likes so at least he will eat something and then leave it an hour or so before offering supper of oats or weetabix that I know he will eat before bed. We have been half trying but it's been hard while we are out working later but going to make a real effort atm when we are wfh and can do work when he is in bed.

A dietitian told me (I have a likely ASD child with eating issues) to watch her intake over a week. That toddlers can average calories weekly where adults have daily requirements. Not sure if that's true but it helps me feel better on days she survives on half a cracker and a bite of cheese.

Wow my 2.2 year old is exactly the same.

Even down to the eating well at nursery,

and delayed speech etc.

I have no advice, as I have torn my hair out lots about it too. He's been like this for a long time and I'm losing the energy with the constant meal battles.

In a normal situation I wouldn't advocate this, but tbh atm nothing is normal and if you're worried you need to act. I find my 2.5yr old eats better when sat in front of the tv. If she stops eating and has had hardly anything I stop the tv. We started this when we went into lockdown on monday; she watches the gruffalo on bbc and eats decent sized portions. She eats wonderfully at nursery (peer pressure is a wonderful thing) but at home it can be a battle. This works for us, for now.

(And yes, I appreciate this isn't the best parenting, and if we weren't on lockdown and trying to work 40h a week alongside my husband and toddler I wouldn't be doing this. But the gruffalo is saving us, for now!)

Not sure if that's true but it helps me feel better on days she survives on half a cracker and a bite of cheese. I can very much relate to this!

Op, my DD is 5, and has been terrible at eating since weaning. She literally wouldn't eat anything except for bread for about 2 years and I was besides myself at times. She was undergoing an assessment for autism before this began. Obviously that process is being held off for now but it's looking very likely that she does have ASD. Tonight I did her some chicken, mashed potato, carrots and sweetcorn. She ate the chicken and the rest is in the fridge. That is progress compared to a year ago but these are all things I know she will eat and I couldn't bring myself to throw them away. I hate food waste at the best of times so having such a difficult dd has really tested me.

Just do what you can to get through this and try not to worry too much about his nutrition etc, if he's having milk and a vitamin you know he's getting something. Like I said my DD lived on nothing but bread (and milk) for two years and it doesn't seem to have done any harm.