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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Step children visiting NRP

27 replies

WindyWalter · 28/03/2020 15:11

I've name changed but am a regular, more of a reader than a poster.

I have a step daughter aged 16. She is close to her father and under normal circumstances sees him 2-3 times a week. I do my thing and they do their's usually, it works for us all.

Her mother and I don't see eye to eye. Never have done, I wasn't the OW but have been treated as if I was. I try not to bring this into my relationship with my SD, but I think she bad mouths me quite a lot to her. We have mutual friends and they confirm this is the case.

SD's mother has not been following any of the CV rules, she's still travelling to see her boyfriends, she's taking children to supermarket with her, before lockdown she claimed to have symptoms but did nothing about it, still sent children to school, etc. Therefore SD has had potential exposure to CV (as we all have). I'm not sure what goes on in their house (don't want to know), but I suspect strongly that SD is being allowed to go and see her friends.

Husband and I have been really strict and followed the guidance to the letter, only leaving the house for essential travel once a week (supermarket and pharmacy). Both husband and I are working from home.

Husband wants SD to come to us next weekend. I said I don't think she should, he said that under 18s are allowed to see both parents (if separated) and we should encourage it.

AIBU to not want this? It's nothing against SD, it's everything to do with not wanting to spread CV.

OP posts:
dementedpixie · 28/03/2020 15:14

Its his child too so if he wants to see her then he should be able to

funinthesun19 · 28/03/2020 15:15

YANBU

Original poster
WindyWalter · 28/03/2020 15:15

He does want to see her, but what about the CV guidance? Is it to be ignored because he wants to see his child?

Lots of people want to see parents and grandparents but don't - look at Mother's Day for example.

OP posts:
KylieKoKo · 28/03/2020 15:17

There is an exception for children under 18 and not being allowed to see parents is bad for mental health. Are you immunocompromised or in a vulnerable group? If not then I don't think it's appropriate to try and stop your step daughter seeing her dad if no-one has exhibited any symptoms.

Original poster
WindyWalter · 28/03/2020 15:20

I suffer from asthma, not badly, but I'm very worried about catching it in case I get a severe case. My mental health is also a big problem. I appreciate that children want to see both parents but should their MH (husband and daughter) trump mine?

OP posts:
BigChocFrenzy · 28/03/2020 15:40

YANBU

Stepkids should normally be allowed to see both parents,
but NOT during a pandemic when their lifestyle means they are at significant risk of bringing infection
... and especially when with asthma you would be classed as "having an underlying condition"

Thierryhenryneedisaymore · 28/03/2020 15:43

She needs go stay with her Mother. Might be different if her mother wasn't the idiot she sounds and was being sensible. If SD complains, she knows who to blame.

BigChocFrenzy · 28/03/2020 15:43

People can be infectious for several days before showing syptoms

  • and kids are much more likely to suffer only the mildest symptoms -

so noone can know if those kids are infected before they visit you

Whatifitallgoesright · 28/03/2020 15:44

I assume they're in regular daily contact by phone, txt, facetime etc? Why can't that be enough for now? She's 16. It's not like she's a toddler and can't communicate on these devices or is unable to understand the situation. You deserve to have your wishes respected in your own home.

Greendin · 28/03/2020 15:49

My DSD is 17 and staying with her Mother. DP thinks this is for the best as her Mum and Stepdad still go out to work and we are not going out. They have FaceTime and WhatsApp, text messaging and email. DSD is busy with school work too.

HeckyPeck · 28/03/2020 15:50

YANBU it’s not worth the risk.

They can still Skype etc and it won’t be forever.

emilybrontescorsett · 28/03/2020 15:54

I don’t think she should come.
I haven’t see my son due to cv.

If will all start breaking the rules then more people will become ill.
Your sd might be totally fit and well but be carrying the virus, you have no way of knowing.

TriangleBingoBongo · 28/03/2020 16:04

She should stay with her mum. I am in a similar boat, I have an underlying health condition and initially DSS’ Mum wasn’t taking CV very seriously. So I was getting very anxious as both me and my husband have done our upmost to minimise any contact and have followed the SD rules to the letter. I’ve not set foot in a shop for a week now, I’ve pre ordered my meat so it can be dropped in my car, ordered produce boxes, again dropped in my car, signed up to milk deliveries. I was really worried about DSS going back and forth whilst still seeing his maternal extended family. DH agreed. But then DSS’ Mum did a 360 and starting quizzing us on our contact! So feel a bit more comfortable now. Although even DH agrees if DSS didn’t visit for 3 weeks it would be sensible in the circumstances. It’s no longer than his Mum has left him with us for holidays before someone shoots me down.

Maxhiggins · 28/03/2020 16:07

YANBU it's the most bizarre exception, I don't see why I can't go and see my friends my brother etc if kids can come here.

My stepkids have been to the shops, to the clinic, BMs BF has been in and out etc whereas I have stayed home. There really wasn't any point in doing that if kids are then going to be in my home

Dzundza · 28/03/2020 16:36

What does she want? It's her right to see her parents, if she wants to see her mum then she is allowed to.

I wouldn't be happy with the risk of infection but I do feel that in this case it's not one of the parents who should decide for her. By all means do tell her the risks of infecting everyone but let her decide.

littleduckeggblue · 28/03/2020 16:39

YANBU
My SD will not be visiting until 12 weeks. Members in our household are high risk

TriangleBingoBongo · 28/03/2020 18:32

By all means do tell her the risks of infecting everyone but let her decide.

You forgot the bit about OP also preparing for an early grave.

That is the reality and that is why in this instance OP is perfectly entitled to put her health first.

HeckyPeck · 28/03/2020 18:55

What does she want? It's her right to see her parents, if she wants to see her mum then she is allowed to.

It doesn’t actually matter what she wants. OP’s need not to be potentially infected by something that could do her serious harm or even kill her is more important.

BigChocFrenzy · 30/03/2020 00:41

"It's her right to see her parents"

The right of the OP not to be put at risk of dying outweighs that

Willyoujustbequiet · 30/03/2020 00:48

I've been appalled by the government advice that says contact can continue. This is in contrast to the advice from the family court which is much more sensible.

Its almost as if children can be sacrificed at the alter of contact with dad.

LurpakIsTheOnlyButter · 30/03/2020 00:58

My DD 13 is not seeing her dad or his family due to CV. DD 9 spent over a month in hospital at the beginning of the year. DH has 2 DC and they haven't been here last 2 weekends, they normally come every week. I don't want them to come. I am also frontline NHS. I am doing my best to protect with PPE and hygiene and sanitation. I don't want any further risks to me, us or them. But it's not my call to make

Maxhiggins · 30/03/2020 06:58

@willyoujustbequiet not just the children being sacrificed but everyone in both households. My OHs kids are young and he wanted them over but I know for a fact that they have been to the shops and docs this week alone and BMs BF has been over and who knows where he has been. Why should I take that risk?

Changeofname79 · 30/03/2020 07:06

YANBU the guidelines are not saying every U18 should carry on visiting just that they can. Where there are court orders in place or medical needs then they have said to continue if need be. No need for a 16 yo to esp one who has not been following guidelines.

Parmavioletmum · 30/03/2020 08:14

It's gutting but we're not having my dsd over because both dp and I fall into the high risk category. Their household has got both a carer, and 2 supermarket workers plus she is still attending nursery so higher risk of them getting the virus. We can't risk it. It's a horrible situation for everyone but the quicker we can follow the guidelines the quicker normality resumes. The government advice does need to be updated as it defeats the point that children who are asymptomatic often, can move between households. Kind of defeats the purpose of isolation in my opinion.

RedRedWines · 30/03/2020 08:47

YABU I’ve seen a fair few of these threads and it’s always step children that are being encouraged to stay away. Wonder how many threads would suggest people would prefer their biological children staying away? And I do think you’re allowing your dislike of the mother to affect your relationship with the daughter you speak about her with zero affection. Why marry someone with a child?