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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To say I won’t be able to have my son home

26 replies

Takemebackto · 28/03/2020 13:38

My son who’s 24 has had years of suffering from poor mental health which have caused him to engage in life threatening behaviours. He’s often just discharged from the hospital into my care and obviously I’m not trained in mental health. I’ve done my best to support him over the years but feel it’s safer if he’s doesn't come home this time. He’s just been placed on a 136 and are currently waiting for an assessment to see if he should be placed on a further section. They have asked for my views and I’ve said I feel it’s best he’s placed somewhere for his mental health. I feel like a bad parent for saying this but I just want him to get help and be safe which I don’t think I can offer him anymore.

OP posts:
Original poster
Takemebackto · 28/03/2020 13:39

I also have younger children living at home with me.

OP posts:
Morgan12 · 28/03/2020 13:40

Personally I think that decision makes you a great parent. It must be so difficult for you. I hope he gets the help he needs Flowers

gamerchick · 28/03/2020 13:48

It's a hard decision but you've made the right one for the sake of your family. People won't understand but the constant rollercoaster of hospital then discharge is hard enough in normal circumstances.

They will try and lean on you, but repeatedly state you're not taking responsibility for him and they'll have to do it. Awful but there it is.

AnneLovesGilbert · 28/03/2020 13:50

Gamer is so right. Flowers for you OP.

Original poster
Takemebackto · 28/03/2020 13:51

Thank you your replies have made me feel a bit better. When he was sectioned a few months ago I felt under pressure from the consultant of the unit to say yes.

OP posts:
gamerchick · 28/03/2020 13:57

Yes they do that. It's better for them if it's care in the community. They're very clever with their wording as well when asking you to take them.

Stock sentence. 'no, I'm not taking responsibility for him. He can't come back here' and repeat yourself if needed. Don't feel the need to explain yourself, you don't need an excuse. Your son needs inpatient treatment for the minute. The in and out of hospital thing needs to be paused at least.

gamerchick · 28/03/2020 14:00

And when they try the there are no beds thing arm up your back. Hold your nerve.

Fleetheart · 28/03/2020 14:02

Your responsibility is also to your other children. You have to do the right thing for them. You can’t have him at home

Butterymuffin · 28/03/2020 14:03

Yes, I would be stating that you need to prioritise the safety and wellbeing of your younger children who are still minors.

forrestgreen · 28/03/2020 14:14

I think you've probably dedicated 24 years to him as a priority.
It's time for your younger children to be the priority.
You can still love and support your son without him living at your house.

"He cannot be discharges to my house, I have to put my younger children first for a change. He will need a new address to be discharged to"

Original poster
Takemebackto · 28/03/2020 14:55

He’s close to my younger children so I’m worried that it might impact on them either way.

OP posts:
SouthWestmom · 28/03/2020 16:05

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Theresnobslikeshowb · 28/03/2020 16:27

It takes a far stronger person to know when something is beyond their capabilities. I say that as someone who has not only worked in mental health all my life but also has a mental health diagnosis. You are doing far more for your ds getting him the treatment he needs, than caving in to your ‘mum’ instinct of having him home. You are doing the right thing! Hope he gets well soon x

Elieza · 28/03/2020 16:30

Sorry he’s not feeling well again Op. you are doing the right thing. He needs professional help. Flowers

LakieLady · 28/03/2020 16:32

YANBU. My brother is bipolar, and lived with my parents most of the time. The strain on my mother was horrendous during the periods when he was ill, and she bore most of it alone as my late father worked abroad for long periods.

The relief when he moved to a different part of the country was immense.

Original poster
Takemebackto · 28/03/2020 18:58

I feel like he’s going to want nothing to do with me. He’s been placed on a section 2 now.

OP posts:
forrestgreen · 28/03/2020 19:21

Just because they're close doesn't mean your house is the right environment for everyone.
You can still maintain their relationship.

Original poster
Takemebackto · 28/03/2020 20:55

I get what you mean but unsure how him and his siblings will see it.

OP posts:
forrestgreen · 28/03/2020 21:15

Positive spin, standing on his own two feet will help him with being positive and independent etc. He's 24 now we need to help him be an adult.

Original poster
Takemebackto · 29/03/2020 10:35

He’s quite mature and very responsible so it’s not that he doesn’t act like an adult. However living with him is hard as I don’t know how to help him.

OP posts:
forrestgreen · 29/03/2020 11:45

The vast majority of 24 yr olds will have moved out though.

Original poster
Takemebackto · 29/03/2020 11:57

Most of his friends are still at home I guess it depends where you are housing is very expensive here.

OP posts:
oohnicevase · 29/03/2020 12:39

He is an adult , let social services place him somewhere safe .he isn't your responsibility now .

Bufferingkisses · 29/03/2020 12:59

He's an adult and he needs appropriate help. You have tried, now it's time to try something else. Flowers

forrestgreen · 29/03/2020 15:21

Op reread your posts. You asked if it'd be ok
Everyone says yes
You then seem to change your mind.