To not see an end in sight (sleep/crying related)

[Careybeary]

My 10 week old will not be put down for more than 5 minutes without crying. Day and night.

He cries during and after every feed, with my daytimes spent trying to settle him and then holding him all day as if I attempt to put him down (even if he has been asleep a while) he will instantly wake and start crying. He will sometimes settle in a sling but not always.

At night, me and my partner sleep in shifts staying awake with baby boy and holding him whilst he sleeps on us. Any attempts to transfer to a Moses/cot/cosleeping situation results in him waking and crying.

This has got even worse lately where he is fighting sleep so much I am even struggling to get him to sleep on me and I am spending day and night rocking him to try and settle him. It seems alien to me that you can put some babies down without them crying or that you could put a baby down and they would stay asleep as I have never experienced this with my baby boy.

He has always been this way but when I was under the after birth midwife care I was told he just wants to be held and it would improve over time. I’m now 10 weeks in and if anything getting worse and I don’t know what to do.

I don’t understand when people talk about the fact their baby being a bad sleeper as they are up X number of times in the night as I feel like my baby never goes down to be up!

The advice I’d been given so far like getting out of the house and asking for help from others even for just a quick break to shower I obviously can’t follow at the moment.

My mental health is really starting to suffer and I don’t know what to do anymore. Is this situation normal?

It's normal for many of us. Sorry. That may or may not be helpful. Mine woke hourly from 4 months to now (14 months), having just started to reduce the wakes (dont want to jinx it). My memory of the super early days is almost entirely gone, little one was not super healthy and my mental health suffered severely.

Is this your first? Your baby is tiny, still in 4th trimester and not knowing he is not part of you. It's entirely natural that he doesn't want to be alone and finds human contact comforting. Can you co sleep, or get a co sleeper so he can have an arm for human contact?

It will pass, I promise. It's such a short amount of time in the grand scheme, you have to push through however you can. Good luck :)

Could he be suffering colic or reflux? It's tough but it is relatively normal and will pass. Everything with babies is a phase, this is my mantra and keeps me going through the tough patches. Because it is a tough patch and will get better.

Sympathies OP I had a constant crier/screamer and it’s hell like no other.
It was my second DC so I was pretty sure this wasn’t “just colic” as GPs kept fobbing me off. I kept going calling and going back. He had reflux and was prescribed various medicines, when we finally found the one that helped he was a different baby. I will never forget that day when he finally took a nap lying on a bed and I lay on the floor next to the bed full of gratefulness and relief.

Are you breastfeeding? Some babies are sensitive to dairy so try cutting it out for a few weeks and se if that helps.

And yes everything is a phase although it’s hard to keep perspective when you’re in the middle of it 💐

Sympathy to you, you are doing great. One day at a time, just get through it hour by hour. When it's over, you'll barely remember it, which is a blessing

Ask your doctor about silent reflux. I don't know if you can access it now with Corona virus about, but sacro cranial therapy is worth a go (be sure your practitioner is trained specifically to work with babies).

It is so so difficult. I'm a decade past it now but I remember how hard it is. You will get to sleep again, just keep going through this hard bit

He is ten weeks old. This us fourth trimester, he should still be inside you. It's hard but it will pass - not sure when though as my three year old has still never slept through the night!

This could have been me 3 months ago. People would say to me that their baby would wake up X number of times a night, and my thought would be.. how did you get them down to begin with??

It sounds like your baby may suffer from colic. Are you breastfeeding? I was, and moved to colic friendly formula (cow and gate comfort), this helped a lot. However, I think we also got into some bad habits because my DD was so used to sleeping on us all the time. In the end I got a sleep consultant at 4 months and it changed our lives. Within 2 weeks she was going down 7-7 and only waking up for a feed 1 or 2 times a night.

I also think it's not always helpful when people say "it's still the 4th trimester, they are used to being inside you etc etc", that may be true, but a lot of babies sleep fine from very early on, it's not as though all babies need to be held all the time.. so it can be a lot harder for some mums than others, and getting no sleep can be torture.

I feel for you as it is so hard. This is a low point but it will get better i promise. Xxx

Have you tried tightly swaddling him and raising the head of the moses up? Wait till he's asleep and lay him down then tuck another blanket over him and under mattress to mimic the pressure of being held?

I'm not trying to be unhelpful. I really struggled with PND and nearly killed myself when my daughter was born as I was so tired and she wouldn't let me put her down at all for months. I would never dream of doing cry it out or controlled crying so my options were limited and it was only by seeing a therapist and learning that it wasn't her or me, it was just that some babies need to be held that got me through. That had roping in family to hold her whilst I slept for a few hours. I mentioned fourth trimester because reading about it helped me process the situation. We hear about dream babies that sleep 7-7 or how some sleep through from day 1 etc and I think a lot of that hides reality of parents using harsh sleep training methods or just sheer luck. From people I know, a baby that wants to be held is much more common than one who is happy being on its own from early on

Thank you all for your messages, it’s nice to not feel alone in this.

@Liland unfortunately tried both cosleeping and we have a cosleeping style cot attached to the bed. Doesn’t settle in either and cries in both scenarios. Will keep trying to push through.

@Mmsnet101 not sure whether it could be colic or reflux, will read up on both. He’s not really a sicky baby so hadn’t considered reflux, and the crying isn’t limited to evenings so again hadn’t considered colic but will check both out.

@luggageandbags yes I’m breastfeeding, will try cutting out dairy to see if I notice a difference. Haven’t spoken to a GP about it but might be worth having a chat as haven’t been able to see a health visitor yet as they’ve (understandably) cancelled their services in the current climate. Can imagine the euphoria of that first nap on a bed, hopefully my little one’s will be round the corner soon!

@Summercamping thanks for your kind words, will google the therapy but suspect you’re right re availability right now.

@holidayhuntress sorry to hear about your PND. I’m not looking for or expecting baby to sleep through at the moment. If I could get them to sleep for an hour that would be a win for me. I did have access to family being able to hold baby in the daytime a couple of times a week up until a couple of weeks ago. Now with social distancing that’s obviously isn’t an option which is why I think I’m finding it even harder lately as I don’t have that support and the option for a short daytime nap.

@lamppost1 got emotional reading your post so thank you. I know, I don’t get how people get babies down, feel like I’m missing something! Ideally I’d like to continue breastfeeding but thanks for the suggestion, could be something I consider in future. Had considered a sleep consultant but wasn’t sure if they would be able to do anything at this early stage/would just say it’s normal and nothing can be done.

@Hohofortherobbers I had tried swaddling in the early weeks and he screamed a lot but haven’t given it a go recently so I could have another try and see if it would work now. Hadn’t tried lifting the Moses head as I thought it was unsafe in re to sids but I will look into. I can definitely try the blanket trick though.

Thank you all for your suggestions, I’m going to write them out in a list tomorrow and start working through them. It will give me something to focus on and stay motivated x

It's shit and I empathise completely. Taking shifts is what dh and I did, and still do when one of them is sick. Get dc used to being held for a little while by someone else, someone who can take it. Start out with them being close, then held for a few mins, then stretch it out longer. Slings were a life saver for us, especially the soft cotton ones. You've got a clingy baby and that's normal, it feels like a tortuous treadmill. There are support groups for parents of babies who cry. If you're going to use a childminder start early, especially with a clingy dc. My dd only like being held by 2 other people, her not baby friendly uncle and the childminders friend. Her doting aunty was so upset, I felt guilty. Her childminder was quite hurt too.

My baby had colic and cried pretty constantly for 4 months in the evenings. I got her a dummy as she wanted to bf constantly but it made colic worse - swore I wouldn’t but she loved it - and a hairdryer with a cold setting placed on the bed. She was sleeping in a Moses basket on the bed. We were convinced she needed the vibration as well as the white noise (!) but I’m sure the noise works on its own.

I breast fed my first and he would go through growth spurts. Dh put food, tea, juice, and the tv remote beside me and I fed him at times for hours. He hated the bath so I went in with him and fed him there. I would lay him upright on my chest and rub his back in a circular motion, no patting. Baby massage helped with dd, again starting with rubbing her back then massage. Don't lift under the arms. Place one arm under bum and the other under back and supporting head, it can help Dc to feel less startled and more secure and give a similar feeling as the sling.

My son slept on /snuggled right up next to me pretty much until he was 2.5. he also woke insanely frequently. A sleepyhead helped a bit - as long as I was next to it.

Sorry not what you want to hear really, but it's normal-ish, for some children. I feel for you as it was torture.

His sleep was pretty bad until then but has gradually improved and from 3 he was capable of sleeping through the night at least half the time.

So it does get better I promise!

I'm afraid I was one of those bad people who would let baby sleep on me propped up. Only with DP awake and watching at first, but in the end I had to create the safest sleeping on me environment I could - mine has reflux and cmpa and did not sleep laying down until almost a year. Would not recommend to anyone of course as it's not safe.

It's really hard, stay strong.

It's so bloody hard, isn't it! My eldest became like this around 10 weeks too and all health professionals and family said it was a stage.... After being on my knees for 6 weeks we got a silent reflux diagnosis. He was a different child after being on a treatment plan for 24hrs!!!

Please do consider this and seek advice. Solidarity. I kept reading about phases passing and I wanted to scream! They do pass, but do rule out everything else too

@Careybeary you are doing amazing for going through 10 weeks of this with no support via gp/health visitors and now family etc too with the lock down.

Another thing that really worked for my wee one during the day was a vibrating chair. I got a fab one from Argos who I think are still delivering or open if they are in a sainsbury near you. Got the wee one off for a nap, turned the vibrations on first then gently put them down into it. Won't work for unsupervised or nighttime sleep but could get you a couple of hours during the day hands free?

Unfortunately it is totally normal, but I know that doesn’t really help you at all! My first wasn’t the best sleeper either so I’m just going to list the things that helped us and I’ve got all my fingers crossed that something works!

1. Swaddling
2. White noise
3. Hot water bottle in crib/cot to be removed literally just before you put the down
4. Do not remove your hands straight away
5. If unsettled just after putting doing try putting your hand back on their chest
6. Nose stroking (ridiculous but both my girls love it)

I really help one or a combination of these help you get some sleep!

Theres nothing I can say which will help with the practicalities, other than to say this WILL pass, I promise.

It sounds like silent reflux to me, can highly recommend a bambino bean bag for during the day and putting a book under one side of the base of the cot (if safe) to help them. Can you ask your health visitor to see if it's something medical?

Crying during feeds and after, not just at night sounds like silent reflux to me too. My son had it. We were prescribed ranitidine and gaviscon which helped. He slept awfully but improved slowly. We ended up sleep training at 6 months but mainly because he cried if I was holding him or not. It was awful, I felt rubbish and looking back now I probably had PND. Look after yourself, keep talking to people and systematically try things. It helped me to feel like I was doing something to help. A sleepy head helped for us too

Sorry for the delay in getting back to people, had some of the worst days yet with inconsolable crying (talking 12+ hours with literally no let up - is presumed this was normal as I have nothing to compare to but is this not the case?)

Will keep my responses brief as a lot to catch up with

@Zombiemum1946 thanks for your response, already have a sling and have mixed success sometimes he will settle but sometimes i think he is so distressed he just can’t. Luckily I would actually say he was fine being held by others and i would happily pass to someone else! Unfortunately with UK lockdown/social distancing it’s already been weeks since I’ve had this as an option and looks like I won’t be the foreseeable future.

@Justnot I’ll give the hairdryer ago, interested about the vibrations! I used white noise apps and have a white noise toy but neither have had any effect so far unfortunately. Maybe the added vibration could help?

@nanbread did you go to sleep with your little one on you? I’ve been staying awake whilst they sleep on me as I thought it wasn’t safe to do this? Have tried cosleeping with them next to me but they don’t settle in the same way they don’t settle when I put them in their basket etc. Not tried a sleepyhead due to cost but attempted the rolled up towel trick this weekend with them which had no effect. Would be reluctant to pay out for a sleepyhead if it is likely to be similar.

@Liland ahh you’ve answered my question I have just posed above. I am desperate for a solution but at this stage I think that would make me too anxious

@Pugsley87 your post made me laugh! I know it’s hard being told it’s just a phase but at 10 weeks in with the situation having always been pretty poor and now seems to be worsening I’m like when does this phase end!!!!

@YouDoYou18 thanks for taking the time to respond. Unfortunately I’ve tried all of these repeatedly from the start up until now and none have worked for me but you never know they could suddenly start helping in future which is why I’ve kept trying with them at intermittent periods

@Mmsnet101 thanks for your support. I have a vibrating chair lent from a cousin but he screams when he’s in it and doesn’t stop even if I give him along time in it. I have been trying regularly as like you say atleast it would give me some time for a break from holding. Went on Argos to see if you were talking about a different type of chair to the one I had but actually spotted some chairs that rock back and forth like a swing. I might give one of these a go instead fingers crossed!

@Bouncingbelle I feel sad that I’m wishing away time right now as I’m so desperate for it to pass, but day yo day is so hard right now. Health visitors have stopped visits at the moment, tried getting in touch with them via phone last week but no responses (guessing due to staff sickness) but will try again this week and if no luck could try the doctors. Interested as silent reflux keeps coming up so maybe this is something I could ask about. Will look into the bean bag and book ideas as options!

@2childrenandout thanks for your response. Yeah totally agree it’s good to have things to focus on trying as there is always a tiny shred of hope that this could be the thing that magically works/improves the situation! Just feel like I’ve tried so much over these 10 weeks I’ve been running out of ideas but atleast this thread has given me some more. Interesting that you also mention silent reflux so will look into

Ok so not so short responses from me but I feel like I have to thank you all for taking the time to respond x

I was too anxious at first too, and then started going into a very light sleep. These days I sleep properly on days he needs to sleep on me (when sick or bad teething), although I've always been a crazy light sleeper. We also introduced a pillow to prop him up (severe reflux) much earlier than recommended too.

Obviously this is all against guidelines and very unsafe. But some people get desperate enough to do anything.

I would say, our vibrating bouncer didnt help at all, although he would sleep in it with the vibrate turned off. I wish we'd tried a swing!

My first was a bit like this - it is shit. It will not last for ever, though it will feel like it. If you feel like killing everyone who talks about how their baby sleeps through the night for hours on end, or how they're a terrible sleeper because they still wake up twice a night or something, you'd not be alone.

I think it's not an increased SIDS risk if you tilt the whole head of the bed up - it's if you put a pillow in to tilt your baby that's more problematic. I always liked the idea of those rocking swings, but never got one because time passes weirdly when you're not getting enough sleep - they looked helpful though. I did try a knock off sleepyhead type thing, made no difference at all.

I don't think 12 hours of solid crying is normal, though, no. I would try and get a doctor to check him out, as well as trying anything you can find to help with silent reflux. You could try cutting dairy out if you're breastfeeding, in case it's a dairy allergy - if it is, I'd imagine you'll see a difference quite quickly.

It will pass, your baby will learn to sleep better as he gets bigger. That's no comfort while you're going through it, I know, but it is temporary. If it carries on much longer, maybe see if you can split the night into longer shifts, so one of you goes to bed really early, then wakes up in the middle of the night, and the other sleeps late in the morning, if you can manage it - getting a block of 5 hours sleep at once is an absolute life changing experience.

My dd was similar to this (although nowhere near as bad). The Dr gave us Gaviscon which had no effect. We changed her milk to Aptimil anti-reflux and she was like a different baby (she had been suffering from silent reflux). We also found that lifting the head end of her cot slightly helped. We bought a Ewan the Dream Sheep which didn’t really help but we found that downloading a white noise app on to an old iPhone and playing it really loudly helped loads with her falling asleep.