Lost it with toddler and feel awful

[CobaltRose96]

DD is 12 months and normally very happy and chilled. However, for the past few days (pretty much since the lockdown really) she’s been in a foul mood. Moaning/whinging/whining almost all day. Wanting to cling on to me 24/7 and screaming the second she’s put down. She’s also been off her food and smacks the spoon out of my hand or throws the bowl on the floor (I know this is quite normal for a toddler and normally it wouldn’t really faze me, but on top of everything else it’s really starting to irritate).

Neither me nor DD have left the house in almost two weeks, mainly because I’m so terrified of catching this virus (although I will need to go out tomorrow to buy food). I think we are both starting to go stir crazy!

My partner is a key worker so still having to work, which worries me to no end. So it’s just me and DD at home most of the day.

All of this has culminated in me losing my shit today 😫 After a week of almost constant whining I lost it. DD likes to look out of her bedroom window, so I was holding her in my arms whilst she looked. She was quite happy for a bit but then started whinging because I wouldn’t let her climb onto the windowsill. After a while she started screaming and arching herself backwards and twisting like a crocodile. I almost dropped her (she’s VERY strong for her age) and that made me panic, and at that point I could feel my temper boil over. I put her in her cot, stomped out of the room, shouted, and slammed my fist against the kitchen worktop (which bloody hurt!). I’ve never ever hit anything in anger before.

My anger dissipated the second I did it and I instantly felt guilty. I still feel awful now. I went back into DD (who didn’t seem to have noticed my outburst) and cuddled her and said sorry 😫 She seems absolutely fine now, happily playing with her toys and watching Mr Tumble, but now I feel like an awful mum. I’m not normally an angry person at all, but I completely lost it. I cannot help but worry that I’ve traumatised her or something (even though she didn’t see it and I doubt she heard it either as she was still screeching in her cot).

How can I get so angry at my own child, though? And she’s still only little

She is fine.
Stressing about this could cause more harm than the initial incident you feel guilty about.
I think I’m safe in saying most mothers can tie their selves up in knots about a specific incident they wish they had handled better , or about something they had not done or should have done.
Believe me, the list is endless!
If I could go back and change certain things I’d do it in a heartbeat,
but my children love me and I love them, don’t beat yourself up,
Enjoy your child and accept that nothing is perfect.

If it makes you feel any better my 12 month old is exactly the same at the minute. I’m trying to play with my 3 year old but she is constantly clinging to me driving me potty. She is usually very laid back and easy so this change is really difficult!

As the parent of a 6 year old let me tell you OP, you will lose your shit with your DD many many times. Don't beat yourself up over it.

You didn't do anything wrong! Don't worry so much

Give yourself a break! If I ever lose it with my kids then I will apologise after and explain why- but early for this at 12 months but it’s a good habit to get into.

Just you wait till she turns 2, and 3. Toddlers are irritating, annoying and difficult at the best of times. You will loose it, you will shout in their face and be less gentle. You will feel like shit and we've all been there! WELCOME TO MOTHERHOOD

When mine was a little baby and wouldn’t sleep I put them in the cot went in the hallway and banged my own head against the wall and cried. It sounds mad but I was so sleep deprived and had ptsd and pnd. Like you I would never hurt them an let them see me act like that, but stress and exhaustion build up inside you especially in these times. Try not to worry about the virus it’s a slim chance of catching and getting out the house will help you, just go for a walk it normally keeps them quiet. Or meet a friend in the park if you have mum friends that’s even better. Things will get better x

@LunaLula83
“Just you wait” isn’t really helpful?

I find my two year old way easier than a baby as he sleeps and can communicate. Difficult sometimes yes but I can’t say I’ve ever shouted in his face.

Funnily enough Luna.... This is a thread from almost a year ago, so OP's toddler will be 2 by now.
Just out of interest, how did you come across this thread? Were you searching for ones that said they 'lost it' so you could come in all judgy and sanctimonious?

Oh now I look stupid I didn’t even notice it was old 🤣

You did absolutely the right thing. Baby into safe place, leave room, have a good old punch of a pillow/swear creatively , breathe, make a cup of tea, and get back to it