Going out several times a day - unofficial carer

[Nochoice23]

I am looking after my elderly neighbour who has dementia and cancer. He is having a lot of problems with his memory so it means having to go out several times a day to get what he needs.

If it is something non essential then obviously it can wait but often it is painkillers, incontinence pads, bread or milk. He can’t tolerate the long life milk so he needs fresh but then he will leave it out so it goes off. I can’t bulk buy items for him as he is on a very low income and I don’t have surplus money either. He has a son who lives abroad and his daughter has a chronic health condition so is self isolating for 12 weeks. No other family or relatives nearby. The order is too small for online orders.

It means I’m going out several times as I need exercise and to get shopping for my family. Obviously I will add anything he needs onto when I go shopping but most of the time it’s after I have already been out. I’ve tried calling him and prompting him to what he might need but the dementia stops him remembering accurately.

This is covered under the guidance I believe as a necessary journey

You're very kind to be doing it. Could you buy some extras and keep it in your house then take it round when he needs it ? Milk could be dispensed in a plastic jug so he doesn't have a full bottle.
Have you contacted adult social services ?

Meant to say, can his daughter at least provide the cash for you to cover the expenses?

@fiddlethefiddles The daughter can’t provide any cash as she is disabled herself and on benefits.

I can’t buy extras as I don’t have extra cash. He has a different kind of milk to my household.

I have contacted adult social services but he has been deemed to have capacity and refuses carers.

I think you're being amazing! Assuming you're happy to continue..,Some advice as the daughter of someone similar:

I would ask his daughter if she would be able to provide (ie loan him) by electronic transfer to you a small kitty/petty cash type fund. Keep receipts in a tin or photograph them. I'm sure his daughter is mega grateful you are looking out for him!

Try phoning at a regular time(s) each day to ask if he needs anything eg just after breakfast and early evening. If he says it's urgent ask him to go and count how many are left in the cupboard

You will probably find it's the same old stuff day in day out, it possibly seems like an urgent surprise to him eg that run out of pads as he forgets but there is likely a pattern to it.

Brands and particular types of things seem to matter - my dad is really thrown by the wrong colour listerine for example. Difficult if there are shortages but again this gets easier as you become accustomed to each other.

Sorry cross post re the kitty

The daughter won’t use online banking so it’s really restricted. He has bits of money round the house hidden away that he uses to pay me back.

His mobility is so poor that he won’t go and check if he has the item already. Previously he would ask me to buy food which he already had. Now I can’t go into his house anymore as I don’t wish to put him at risk.

I do call him and ask regularly what he needs but he will often say he needs nothing but then call me later. I tried leaving a notepad and pen by his phone but he loses everything.

It’s allowed under “caring for a vulnerable person” and it’s lovely that you are helping him.

Such a tricky situation, sounds like this is highlighting a greater need for care in general. It a difficult time with services at the moment - maybe worth asking advice on the elderly parents thread instead of AIBU

It's difficult as a neighbour, really as how much can you do. Local branch of Age uk or similar may be worth a call they have been putting up posters in our area - there may be further help he can access so it's not all on you?