Feel like I'm losing my friend with new baby, how to support her...

[30sthngLondon]

Hello,

Kind of an AIBU + request for advice. Sorry for the long post. One of my oldest best friends from uni has a new baby. I am not a 'child' person - don't want my own, and tbh not particularly drawn to children, as much as I've tried to make myself...just not happening. I'm more of a dog person. But obviously, when your friends have children they become a massive part of their life so you need to embrace it - and I am doing my best. (I have done this with another friend's child who is a little older, always talk to them at gatherings, pay them attention, ask about them etc).

Throughout the pregnancy, I think my friend kind of knew this, and shut me out a bit - I was super interested (genuinely, I love her and I've never known anyone go through it directly and I wanted to understand her experience) but I think she knows I'm not a kiddy person and I always felt like I was asking stupid questions... she had a couple of dinner parties without me (inviting all our other mates in London, who all happen to have kids). But we still had a few catch ups.

Now the baby is born. Because of corona and social isolation, we haven't been able to go and physically visit the couple with the new baby yet - but my friend is constantly sending photos of the baby on WhatsApp group threads etc which I dutifully reply to with a cute comment, how beautiful the baby is, hearts etc etc. Pretty much every day (although tbh I haven't the last time because it becomes like a weird competition of who finds the baby the cutest if literally everyone replies to every photo).

I am (I think?!) making an effort to be supportive, and this friend is completely ignoring everything else not to do with her baby. Even when I've sent her direct messages saying 'how are you doing? How is DD sleeping?' I get nothing back... And certainly nothing acknowledging any info or messages I've sent, about my life or the fact I've just lost my job due to Corona.

So my question is twofold.

1. AIBU to expect something in return in terms of effort? I'm trying really hard to be patient and I know she'll be in the hormone bubble of new mum-hood. I can put up with that for a while... but it's getting me down and I'd like to know how long it's likely to last. I miss her. People always talk about losing their friends who don't have children as they're not interested, but are you sure it's not just that the ones with children stop making effort with the ones that don't?!

1. THE MAIN QUESTION. What can I do to make it better. I've sent a card... I haven't sent a gift (partly because tbh they are totally inundated with brand new stuff and I'm pretty sure they have absolutely everything they need, and partly because I was planning on taking a gift with me when I met the baby... which hasn't happened yet cos of Corona). Given that I'm not planning on doing the whole birth/baby thing myself I have no idea what is most needed in times like this... should I have sent a gift?? Will it help if I send one now? Should it be something for the baby? Or something for her?! Like a nice eye mask for sleeping? Once Corona restrictions are lifted should I take round a dinner? Should I be offering to come and clean?

Sorry for the long post! Please give me advice on how to be the most supportive friend I can be as this situation really does't come naturally to me...

Thanks

x

I would just ask her if she needs anything at the moment. She will be busy, tired and possibly sore. I've seen a lot of people I know struggling to get supplies like nappies and baby milk so she might be stressed out. Try to be patient with her. Maybe even facetime her to show you want to see the baby. If she doesn't respond, you did everything you could. Hope it works out for you, x

She’s probably just knackered! I think you’ve done everything you could, i font think a present is a hood idea now. Maybe tell her this and promise to get something when all this has died down (and make sure you do!).
Offering to FaceTime sounds like a hood idea, but if she’s having a hard time it might feel like a demand ( looking shit and no time to chat) but you could try and see what she says?

Depends on the person, and the baby. But mine was a shit sleeper who refused to be put down, and frankly it took until she was about 9 months when I went back to work before I had the capacity to think about anything else. I was just exhausted and stressed and didn't have room in my day or my mind for other people's problems.

And certainly nothing acknowledging any info or messages I've sent, about my life or the fact I've just lost my job due to Corona

New baby or not that's being a shit friend herself. Having a newborn doesn't make you the only person in the entire world who matters and if she can't even be bothered to see if you are ok having lost your job I wouldn't be trying to pursue it

Sorry but you've lost your job and she's not even asked how you are? Shit friend, i'd bale out. My friends have all had kids except me and none of them were like that - even with twins and premature babies!

Thankyou for all your advice. I feel a bit better now - in the end I just sent her a message saying 'I feel rubbish because I can't help you with anything like cleaning, or bring you meals at the moment - promise I will do that as soon as I'm allowed to visit and I can't wait to meet the baby! But for now is there anything else I can do for you, even from long distance? I can search for nappies if you're still struggling, or sort out anything - just let me know.' So hopefully, she knows I'm here and when she's ready she'll ask me.xx

That’s a good message and you sound like a nice friend 👍🏻

Oh please it's a really thought time, she definitely should've asked about your job but she may be just all consumed. Give her time and hopefully the friendship will survive? You're a good friend and she will realise that.

You sound like an amazing friend. I hope she appreciates you!

When I had a shit sleeping second baby and my eldest was a jealous toddler, I did avoid people for a while because i became paranoid about sleep. But i did reply to messages when i could, and no way I'd have ignored a friend who said they'd just lost their job, that's horrible

That's a lovely message and you seem like a lovely friend but too be honest I would give it a couple more weeks and then if she is still ignoring you I would stop messaging her. Yes she could be exhausted with a new baby but I think it is just plain rude to not acknowledge you at all.

In the beginning I was so overwhelmed that I found it easier to spend more time with my friends who also had children but I also knew I had to make sure I kept in touch with my other friends so I wouldn't lose them.

I have some friends I don't see for months but it doesn't mean I'll never see them again. I've alsi had friends I've grown apart from and I survived that too.

Having a baby is a lot like finding a new religion at the same time as having major surgery, a relationship crisis and falling in love. While very sleep deprived and in this case totally freaking out about covid.

She has probably half typed a reply to your text then got interrupted and forgot she didn’t send it.

You sound lovely so it’ll probably all work out. If you are close friends then she knows that you aren’t very interested in her child, no matter how well you fake it, this is why you weren’t invited to baby meet-ups. Sounds like you’re doing everything you can do.

Whether the friendship survives may depend if you still have something in common really and where you fit into her new life. Will you become her ‘lunch without baby’ friend or her ‘plays with baby while I shower’ friend?

I think I’d have struggled to maintain a friendship with someone not interested in kids tho. No judgement it’s just that if you suddenly become a born again Christian, it’s hard hanging out with atheists. When I had a baby I felt like I’d discovered the meaning of life and fallen in love with the best person in the world, I wasn’t interested in anything but him. I wouldn’t have fitted anymore with people who didn’t get that.

Just random thoughts from a stranger on the internet 😉

I’m so sorry op but you’re on very different life tracks now. You asked ‘how long is this going to last?’ And I’m afraid this will last her entire life now - she has changed in every way a person can change - and the change lasts forever.

Frankly, when I had my son, I was in pain (infected CS scar), wasn’t able to BF (medical tests, a lot of rushing about looking for support and two months using a supplemental nursing system which involved taping tubes from a reservoir of milk to my nipples to see if DS sucking would trigger a supply), was overwhelmed and frightened and isolated (as DH was made redundant about a week before my due date and took a distant job as we needed the money, and I was alone in London with a baby who was getting thinner and not sleeping and PND) — I doubt I had any idea where my phone was for weeks, and it would no more have occurred to me to reply to cheery text messages than it would have to fly.

The best thing my friends could have done was what they almost all did do, parents and non-parents alike — back right off and wait for me to be ready to engage again, with the occasional message that made it plain it didn’t require an answer. Which may be months.

And there’s really no need to behave as if parents and non-parents are different species. They’re really not. I have zero interest in children other than my own child. I didn’t have a personality transplant when he was born.

Just wait. Get on with your life. You haven’t done anything wrong.

It sounds like the baby is literally a few weeks old? Just give her some time and stay supportive, different people are able to engage with others again on different timeframes and for some it takes months. She may have completely missed your messages about losing your job in a haze of trying to get through each day. She may also be unwell, have difficulty feeding, have PND, be panicking about coronavirus with midwives coming for the baby etc. A couple of weeks is really no time at all.

The friend was already cutting OP out before the baby though by the sound of it - throwing dinner parties and not inviting just her from the friendship group.

Also if she has time to send photos of her baby daily she has time to send ‘I’m so sorry’ when OP tells her she’s lost her job.

I have recently been through the newborn stage (first baby). Breastfeeding issues. Sleepless nights. I might be late replying to a message but I would never ignore it altogether. If your friend is blatantly ignoring you that is definitely something to call her out on.

It sounds like you are the one making the effort, it’s not just on you to make this better and she’s been checked out for a while. You are reasonable to expect something back. This might be a phase or she might be like this forever. I have a friend like this and after 5 years of it lm bored quite frankly. She’s a shit friend as she doesn’t make effort and is self absorbed. Sorry to hear about you losing your job, she’s not the only one with big things going on

All depends on how old the baby is but she sounds like a bit of a dick