Putting kids with additional needs, first

[handlelessdoor]

I'm processing the end of my marriage and figuring out where I went wrong and trying to learn lessons for the future.
A quick back story is that we were together 18 years, hadthree kids, one with autism , the other with significant anxiety.
Both worked full time. He did nothing to get involved in family life due to studying, long hours, laziness and disinterest in the kids.
He essentially left it all to me. I put his happiness above mine for some reason. That's my first issue ... I don't understand why I did that suffice to say that he was a moody and sulky bugger who used shouting and bad language to scare and put us in our places. I was a nag if I asked him to do anything . I was critical when he fucked up yet another basic job that I'd asked him to do six months previous.
So our youngest developed acute separation anxiety nine months ago. He refused to leave my side, I could not go to the bathroom on my own, didn't see a friend all summer long without him beside me, slept when Inspept , woke when I woke . We couldn't go out side the house in the evenings.
I brought him to a psychologist and we worked through his issues and he improved hugely. At this stage my
Child had to sleep with me in order for the family to sleep .
My husband during this time refused to take time off work( he had plenty of AL) worked longer hours, sat on his phone for weekends and did nothing with kids without being asked. I was with my children all day every day. They didn't see him. They asked for him but in reality they didn't care too much. My son refused to stay with him without becoming absolutely hysterical for me to stay. I think he was afraid of him, looking back.
Then one day, he announced he was leaving.
He had enough. He didn't like my attitude to him.He left.
How can I learn from this please? i expect that I should have given him more attention ?

Bump

He sounds like an unpleasant person. I have heard that the Freedom programme is good for working out why women put up with men like this.

What I mean is , it sounds like the only thing you did wrong was to put up with his behaviour

You change the locks and start to appreciate how much calmer life is without him. How much happier and more settled the kids are. How much easier it is to relax.

You have now got 3 kids instead of 4. The 'eldest', most demanding, selfish and lazy one has left. Enjoy!

He'll probably try and come back soon when he realises he has lost his servant. Don't let him.

It sounds like there’s a bit here for you to unpack with a therapist, but ultimately it will come down to fear. You just have to figure out what you’ve been afraid of. There’s a wonderful book by Pema Chodron, “When Things Fall Apart” I highly recommend it. Hang in there OP. You sound like a thoughtful, caring person. 💐

Thanks.
He found my replacement straight away if not beforehand .

I expect that I should have given him more attention ?

No, he should have given you more attention. Marriages need both partners' input. If one person can't be bothered, there is nothing the other can do to make it work. It's like a bridge over a river - if one side is shaky, the whole thing is. It's not your fault and there's nothing you could have done.

He found my replacement straight away if not beforehand .

Well, that explains this:

My husband during this time refused to take time off work( he had plenty of AL) worked longer hours, sat on his phone for weekends

I'm sorry he was such a selfish shit, op.

Thanks. I'm not afraid of being on my own. Home is a More Relaxed happier place.
I was afraid of the stigma of being single as I live in quite a traditional and reserved community.
I was afraid of failure. I think I knew deep down that he was a lazy, emotionally immature, unfulfilled man and that I needed to put up a front. I don't know why I did that? I also tried to keep him happy by not putting too much pressure on him to engage in family life

"I was afraid of the stigma"
"live in quite a traditional and reserved community."

That's why you partly put up with what you did. Women are socially conditioned to accept bad behaviour from men. We are told that it isn't a good enough reason to end our marriage, when it is.

It's something, as Women, that we should be breaking down and ending. You haven't failed, your Ex failed to ne the partner and parent that he should have been.

This virus situation is making a lot of women realise how, bad their marriages are and how ineffective, as a parent their partners are. We do put up with a lot, unless we are surrounded by people who tell us to expect better. Usually in the woman's background there's an element of them mimicking the relationships that they saw growing up, with the women making the sacrifices and comprises.

While I agree with many of the comments posted, we need to remember that there are 2 sides to every story. There were many times over the years that I got angry because I didn’t feel my husband was doing enough. We had 4 kids in 7 years and both worked full time. Although I knew he needed to change I also knew I wasn’t perfect and looked for ways to help our relationship. I don’t know what will happen in your future but let the kids make up their own minds about their dad. Stop bashing him and try to improve yourself. His faults are his faults and he will answer for them some day. Sending hugs! P.S. we’ve been married 41 years and have 6 grands.