Engagement Ring

[NewMumToBe123]

Hello Everyone,

A bit of a distracting thread from the Corona virus situation and just trying to vent/rant my thoughts than find a solution.

This was back in 2018 when I was younger and naive (than now I think). My husband is not a big fan of jewellery. When we initially got married in 2014, I chose a simple band for him, however, it was a bit small in size. We are in the UK and both of our parents back in India. So, when I visited in laws back then, newly married, I overstayed a bit and bought him a better ring with a stone as suggested by his parents. (more expensive and fancier).

Fast forward to 2018, I was complaining to his mother that he doesn't wear his ring (as he likes simpler jewellery or none at all) hoping she would advise him to wear. She just jumped in and said, if that is the case, why don't you give it to me and I will wear. (There are a couple of things here to understand though. In India, culturally, things are a bit different, at least for some families, personal boundaries and space are a bit out of the window due to the cultural set up).

I was put in a fix and at that point, mentally decided to give it away. (and given, my husband had appraised me of his parents situation where they struggled a lot in life, and he couldn't do much until now due him just coming up). However, I told my mum in law, I will check with my husband. He asked me to give it away as he doesn't wear it and I did that.

However, post pondering on it, it occurred to me the same day that:

1. We didn't really think through stuff, it was my first gift to him (bought from my hard earned money from my first job) and we could have just bought her another ring.

1. I am a bit upset that my husband doesn't place sentimental value on things and mixes up stuff (I think the same goes for me, however, I think cultural conditioning or plain lack of thought when put in a situation has an effect on us both, especially with family)

1. I am resentful and feel like I am engaged to his mother, haha. I do feel it was a bit manipulative and clever of my mum in law to put me in this situation. (While I appreciate they don't understand personal space etc. given the conditioning they grew up in, they equally wouldn't part with something with sentimental value or expensive things in general if put in this situation for me).

1. Both of our parents are financially dependent on us (which we don't mind) and are very helpful in general when they are come over to stay with us.

I have decided to just forget about this given we all get along very well and this will only bring up further issues. I will give my husband a piece of my mind on this, just on placing value on things I gift him (and I will highlight it is for us both). I did speak to him about this earlier, but more of a passing comment than speaking my mind.

Please pour in your thoughts too (and please keep the conversation constructive and not rude).

I think that it would be unfair for you to express annoyance at your husband over this. You asked him if you could give the ring to your MIL having already told her you didn’t mind doing so. He agreed, presumably because he thought it was what you wanted. But now you want to be annoyed at him for agreeing. I don’t really think that’s fair.

This is more about your feelings than his. For you, the ring holds sentimental value and you regret giving it away. That’s very understandable, but it’s not fair to lay the blame on your husband for it.

Quite a lot to digest there but the thing that stands out to me is that you know that your dh doesn’t particularly like jewellery and yet you bought him an even bigger, fancier ring and were then miffed he didn’t wear it.

Put it this way, if a man came on here seeking advice on why his wife refused to wear an expensive, red lace strapless dress he bought her when he knows she doesn’t like lace, the colour red and was self-conscious about her upper arms, he would be crucified.

Did he wear the simple wedding band?
When you say it was a bit small in size do you mean it was too tight for his finger?

Yabu to be upset that he didn't wear something that you bought knowing it wasn't his taste.

Yabu to get annoyed with him for agreeing to give the ring to his mother given you'd said you were fine with it.

Is it actually important to you that your husband becomes sentimental about material possessions, or is there something else going on?

OP, i certainly wouldn't blame your husband for the fix YOU have gotten yourself into.

Small bit of advice.....don't bitch about your husband to your MIL.

Have a look at YOUR boundaries.

You will have a happier marriage if you do.

It sounds as they you are way overthinking and dramatising this from 2 years ago.
You gave you dh a gift and he didn’t like it. He subsequently gifted it to his mother who is happy with it.
I will give my husband a piece of my mind on this
Really? Let it go op.

Why would you give him a piece of your mind now, 2 years later?
Put it behind you.

Ours was an arranged marriage (we are quite happy in our marriage). Yes, the ring was tight on his finger and we exchanged it. Being newly married, I didn't really know about his wishes on jewellery back then.

I didn't promise mom in law, I told her I will ask my husband as it is his ring now. You're right in that it is more about my feelings and I am upset about not thinking on the spot and setting boundaries.

I did feel my husband should have some sentimental value towards it and probably felt he should have said no when I asked if he wanted to give it away (our initial thoughts on this was to replace this ring with a new simple one by taking it to a jewellery shop). However, I do get that it is from 2 years ago and I should just let it go.

I just feel that my mom in law shouldn't have asked for this ring in particular, she could have asked for a new one and we would have happily bought her one (may be I am being dramatic and people are generally fine with their mom in laws wearing an engagement ring bought for the husband!).

When we exchanged it, I bought the ring (with the stone) suggested by his mother (thinking they would know his likes & dislikes).

Try not to think of it being 'given away' and think of it as being 'lent' to you MIL while she is still here. She is wearing it possibly to feel close to her son and hopefully it means enough to her not to sell it or give it to anyone else.

Thank you @hadtojoin, that is definitely possible and agree is a much better way of looking at it!

may be I am being dramatic
Perhaps one of the biggest understatements ever.
But glad you are happy with one of the responses given.