Moving 20 miles away....

[mrsh1807]

Morning

I’ve lived in the same town for 25 years, and I don’t want to live here anymore. Split from husband 3 years ago, all very amicable. We live very close to one another and have 3 DS aged 15,13 and 9.

I’ve found a house in a beautiful village 20 miles way id like to buy. It’s idyllic, and would be a wonderful place for the boys to finish growing up.

I would keep my job so they could stay at their existing schools as I’d drive them there and home every day as it’s close to where I work. They’d still spend every other weekend with their dad here in the town they’ve always lived.

For me, selfishly I know, it would be somewhere I could see myself living for the rest of my live. It’s a similar distance to the main towns in the area but a bit less convenient for a train station.

My youngest is inconsolable. He doesn’t want to move. The garden at the new house is much smaller and he loves playing football. The house is no better than the one we have, ie 2 boys would still need to share a bedroom.

So, should I just forget moving and sit here, somewhere I don’t want to live, until my youngest is 16/18, another 7-9 years. Or should I take the gamble that they’re just scared of the unknown and it will all work out fine?

A very trivial question, I know, but my brain is fried 🤯

How would your older sons cope with extra travel when they start college or 6th form? Just think that being in a town is preferable at their ages so they can meet friends.

I don't think anywhere can be idyllic if your sons are unhappy, there has to be positives for them. Buying & selling has substantial costs so you have to be certain of the move as costly if you get it wrong. Did you stay in the martial home? If so I can understand the driver for change but this might be a step too far at this stage.

What don't you like about where you live now?

I'm usually in favour of people moving if they have good reasons, work, family support etc but this seems just a whim of yours. I agree your older kids will be annoyed they can't have an independent social life. The football thing seems trivial to you but how are you going to entertain him when he comes to you upset every day that he can't play? I'm a single parent and moved a long way from ex for solid practical reasons. I wouldn't dobit just because I liked a house. Give it 5-10 years, then go.

Idyllic for who?

Do your sons have friends who they can mix with after school (in normal circumstances) where you live now?

Are there families with children there?

What facilities does the village have?

Your sons shouldn't have to rely on you dropping them off and picking them up from school every day. What happens if you are ill or if you broke your leg so we're out of action for 6 weeks or more?

I have a relative who lives in a village where there are no shops at all, no families with children and no bus service. I think they were totally selfish to move there with a child who has no company there. I feel it is where they could have moved to after their child had completed their education.

Why not ask the children where they want to live? Maybe they would prefer to live with their father in the place they've always known and visit you every other weekend?

The town we live in is small and has nothing here. The only positive is there’s a train station to get out of here on! It’s been due for redevelopment for years but It never happens. It’s not awful it’s just a nothing place. Filled with commuters or people who’ve never lived anywhere else. My eldest is quite up for the move.

No, I didn’t stay in the family home.

Yes I guess it is just a whim of mine but a very long brewing one. I’m desperate to leave this place. It’s not my home. But I understand it is for the boys.

The village has a lot there from a social perspective for adults, and there’d be plenty of Saturday jobs for them as they get older. The nearest train is about 2 miles away, an easy cycle. There’s also busses into the nearest larger towns. Plus mum taxi!

Thanks for your feedback. Guess I’m clinging onto my dream by my fingernails for a few more hours before I admit defeat and stay where I am for another 10 years 😩

It’s a tourist village so it does have a lot going on on the high street. Cafes, art galleries, pubs, bookshop, all sorts of things. It’s beautiful too. All stuff which appeals to me as a grown up. But plenty of Saturday job opportunity, more than where we are now as the town is dying on its feet.

My eldest mixes with kids after school, mostly from the town rather than his school. As most teens do he makes his friendships on Snapchat. My younger 2 don’t. My 13 year old is a homeboy who never wants to leave the house - I know that will change at some point.

The secondary school they attend has kids get the bus there from the nearest town to this village as it’s so popular (faith school) so the eldest 2 do know people who live nearby already....

If there's public transport, the option to get a train (2 miles isn't really that far, I don't live in a village and the closest one to me is 1.9 miles and it's not frequently supplied by trains).
I think the only issue really is leaving them in their schools so relying on you driving them everyday. And how close is a college for them?

When I was working, I lived a 5 minute drive from my job, just down the road. We then moved around 15 miles away to a bigger house. I really hadn't thought through the extra travel time to work - well, I had thought about it but I was so excited about moving I thought it was something worth putting up with.
It was a total pain, especially as I often worked split shifts, so ended up doing the journey 4 times a day. The extra time it took up, and the extra cost in petrol, were significant. (I was made redundant 6 months later, so the problem solved itself!).
So, my twopenneth worth is: factor in the cost of fuel, and time taken up with extra travel.

I’d leave my eldest as he only has one year left. I could move the other 2, there’s a primary literally 2 minutes away from the house, but my youngest would hate to change school - so he thinks at the moment. Of course if we moved that may change.

My 13 yo could switch to the secondary about 6 miles away. Again, it’s not really that far. I’d have to do that before year 10 but as he’s in year 8 now he’d have a while to decide whether the travelling is too much.

My eldest wants to go to 6th form in Brighton anyway and the village is a similar distance from there as the town we are in now - although it would take a little longer to get there.

Thanks for the fuel comments, your situation would be the same for me. I have thought about that....it would cost me more for sure. A downside for me.