DH and his career

[EatingSomeMostDeliciousBugs]

A small disclaimer to say I know that there are so much worse things happening in the world just now. I also know there are people losing their jobs who will be in much worse positions than me and my family. I count my blessings. However, this is AIBU and I want to know if AIBU about my situation.

Due to the current global crisis, it looks likely that DH is going to lose his job again, for the second time in 5 years. Of course, it’s through no fault of his own and it wasn’t his fault last time either. He is in a volatile industry where there is a lot of money to be made but the downside is their are downturns like this and things can change so quickly.

He wants to get out and do something else, which I fully support. He wants it to be something recession proof which helps people and I think that’s a great idea - he’s a caring person and enjoys looking after people. I’m not keen on the industry he’s in and I could really do without the uncertainty every couple of years. The difficulty I’m feeling just now is, I know if his job goes he will expect me to go out and work full time in the job I have (currently work 2 days and care for our youngest who is 18mo 3 days a week). I am lucky, in the sense that I can click my fingers and go full time at any time. This is what happened last time and he took 6 months not working. Personally, I found it a horrendous time - I missed my kids, had no work life balance and had to do all the mental work at home. He cooks and is hands on with the kids, but stuff like cleaning, DIY, birthdays etc are all organised and largely done by me. He is good with the cooking and kids because he likes those things. Ultimately though, when we had children it was agreed I would be their main carer. We have 3 - 7,6 and 18 months. We waited to have the 18mo until we could afford to have her and me only work 2 days a week.

Last time, he got a large pay off and we had money in the bank. He could have chosen any career at that point and retrained. I encouraged him to do so. His parents said they would support him financially to do so. He couldn’t think of a single thing he wanted to do. He was almost aggressively obtuse about any suggestions. This time, we’ll be lucky if he gets a months salary. I think his parents might still support him to change career as they are very comfortable financially, but it is by no means a given.

I feel I missed out on precious time with the older two because I went back full time and to be honest, I resent that I had to do that. I really don’t want to repeat the same situation again with DC3. I feel conflicted, because I do think he needs to change jobs and have been encouraging this line of thinking for years. I think he will be happier and things will be more stable. However, I don’t want to miss out on my time with my last baby. I feel I sacrificed enough with the older two and I want to tell him that although I fully support him to make this change, I won’t go out and work more paid hours.

We have very little savings now, but we do have a considerable amount of equity in the house. I would rather access that, which I know will put us in a worse position financially in the long run, than lose more time with my children while they are young. I think he will be appalled by this idea and will deem me unsupportive of his career change. But the way I see it is - the equity is my money too and I’d rather lose that than more time with my children.

So AIBU to say yes, I support your career change but no, I won’t go out and work full time to help fund it?

That was long and rambly, sorry. Well done if you made it to the end.

Also, would HE do it for you?

Doubt it.

Personally don't think now is the time to be looking at studying full time and seems rather self indulgent.

If he has lost his job, and while this isn't his fault, my view would be that he needs to get a job, any job and maybe review the situation in 12 months time?

He could try to work in the field he wants, and ask employers to train him, but at the moment, the economy is going to be rather bumpy.

Zan you go 4 days a week and he studies full time but also works part time eg evenings.

And yes he needs to do the bits round the house that need doing not pick and choose.

No I dont think hes being fair tbh. Sounds like the whole family will have to sacrifice something for him to have a 3rd try at finding his dream job. Then what happens when he changes his mind. Just say you aren't giving up more time with your children. You did that for him last time and you didn't like it.

Yes when things go wrong we all have to pull together to support our family. But that shouldn't always fall on one parent while the other gets the freedom to take time and money from the family to find what they really WANT to do. How many of us do the job we want?

YAB a bit U. I think you both need to give here. You need to go back FT and he needs to find a job and put his training on hold for now. It's just not the time to do it at the moment. In his defence to not retraining last time, I had a similar problem trying to think of something else I could do but I wasn't passionate enough about any options that I or anyone else suggested. Deciding what career to change to wasn't easy for me and I would have hated being put under pressure to decide and know I would have regretted my choice if I had been forced to choose. I finally found my path though and I'm determined to stick to it now.

I wouldn't take equity out of the house just so I didn't have to work FT. It just doesn't make sense to me. That would be a last resort, emergency decision.

YANBU though that he needs to pull his weight at home, especially if he's not working. You shouldn't have to plan his day and then go to work yourself. That's too much mental stress for one person.

Firstly, what bluntness said Marriage is teamwork, flexibility & compromise.
Second, he needs to buckle down, I am assuming he is in finance. A very unrewarding, snake-eyed industry & soul destroying. Could he not consider transferring his skills in finance to the charity/NGO sector? He sounds a bit of a child, with parents that enable this. Rather than take a course (3-4 years sounds like a degree course, and that is by no means a guarantee of work at the end of it), he should do a skills audit, identify the types of jobs/ industry that appeal, talk to people in that sector, and fill in any skills gaps with short courses, self-study, etc. This is the “What Colour is Your Parachute?” Approach. This process would help him to understand what he actually wants, rather than “Get the hell out of banking”.
On the home front, this is an ideal opportunity for you to set him straight. He must improve, or all bets are off for him finding his dream job while you are the drudge & full time breadwinner. Just no. Good luck!

I think he needs to pull his weight but not necessarily stick to the same sector. That could mean a shorter period to access other work.

This is genuinely a tricky one. There should be compromise here. Could you not go up to 3 or 4 days a week to increase your income but still allow you one on one time with your little one?

How long would the massive impact on his income be? A year's training, three years? What would his salary be once fully trained? What do you earn now, and what could you earn if you went up to 3,4 or 5 days per week? Is downsizing your home or otherwise reducing your outgoings an option at all? What would you pay for childcare if you increased your hours to 3,4 or 5 days per week?

If I was in your shoes, I would painstakingly research and write out ALL the options with costings, even the options I didn't like - list all the financial and practical facts only - no feelings - and then use your list of scenarios as a starting point for discussion. Perhaps see a counsellor to help you work through the options and come to a mutual decision.

Doing it that way stops it from being a "he wins / I win" situation and makes you a team trying to address a problem together.

Thank you for all the replies, it has really helped me clarify my thoughts seeing different view points. (I should have turned off the vote for this though, it’s pretty useless seeing people votes without knowing why they think that way!)

I think I’ve conflated 2 issues - involuntary job loss and voluntary career change.

If he loses his job, I will get out there and work as much as I can to bring in the bacon, as I did last time. What will be different to last time is he won’t get to be choosy about what he’s applying for, or get to “have some time” taking a break for a month or so before applying for anything. It’ll be all bloody hands on deck to get by.

In this scenario, once we’re reasonably financially stable, or if his job somehow survives the current economic disaster , he needs to get work experience in his new field to see if it’s really what he wants to do. If it is, then he needs to figure out funding - he’ll need to speak to his parents or whatever - I won’t manage to provide for the family and fund his course, I just couldn’t make enough money. I would be willing in a long term non-emergency situation to work three days until DC3 starts school and then FT once she does. So he can work his career change in with that timeframe to a certain extent, if it’s voluntary and not prompted by the downturn.

Thanks so much everyone, this has been so useful.

OP, I can understand your annoyance.

I think he needs to grow up a bit.

The fact that he happily leaves all the mental and drudgery to you is a big part of your understandably irritation, while you go full time for 3 or 4 years.

He sounds like a bit of a child rather than an adult.

Being married to a man child is extremely tiresome.

You need to have a very frank conversation with him about realities because it sounds as if this plan could put your marriage at risk.

I think you're both looking at this a little black and white or win/lose. It may be that you both need to compromise. Since having DD I have been desperate to change career. I have supported DH through unemployment and career change and have ended up the breadwinner whilst running our home and carrying the mental load. I went down to 3 days pw so our income evened out but am still unhappy. I actually started a training course that would have seen me go and do 2 week placements away from home but it became clear I was going to struggle to get work done at the weekends with a young child and leaving her for 2 weeks was out of the question - no judgement for those who do but DH was useless when she was born so she is firmly attached to me and one of those intelligent but shy toddlers that would struggle with more than 1 night away. I had to readjust my expectations to fit our family so I actually bought a successful baby franchise in the end where training could be done locally. I still got the lifestyle I wanted but had to change how I got there. Now I'm working weekends out of the home DH has had to step up but acknowledges that DDs main attachment is to me and life needs to be maintained for her. He is now looking for better paid jobs in his sector possibly WFH (IT). That was much more long winded than I intended but I hope you can see that it isnt always as black and white as you may feel it is now. You may both need some creative planning for the lifestyle you want. Dont go back FT if you dont want to - maybe find a better paid PT job to bridge the gap and expect DH to earn whilst training or adjust what that looks like. Why should he get 100% what he wants at your sacrifice?