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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Flip

Original poster

To think xh can’t just walk back into Dc lives?

25 replies

Woman31 · 24/03/2020 21:48

Hi,

Long story short, I was married to an abusive man from 2006 and we divorced in 2012. After our divorce he saw the Dc probably 6 times before he met his fiancé and had twins in 2016.

I met my now husband in 2014 and we had our only Dd in 2016.
Around this time xh started saying he didn’t want anything to do with Dc. He moved away and was playing happy families. He told me he wanted to give up rights to dc and for my Dh to adopt them. They absolutely adore my Dh and he’s a good man who has treated them all the same, they call him dad and they have a fab bond. Dh works hard and has provided everything with no financial help from xh.

The last year xh has wiped any evidence of Dc our of his life on social media.

Everything was going fine and we were living our little family life until a week ago xh emailed me to tell me he’s moving away and that he wants the kids to know he misses them.

I haven’t told them, they are 10 and 12.

He kept emailed me to say his gf has split up with him and he’s living back at home, he’s asked if Dc can FaceTime him tomorrow.

What do I do? They (especially oldest) wants nothing to do with him. I feel sick that he thinks he can just drop back into our lives and thinks it’s ok. I know once he’s less bored the kids will be forgotten about again. He’s forgotten about them on every birthday and Xmas.

Aibu to wish he’d go away and leave us alone.

OP posts:

Windyatthebeach · 24/03/2020 21:51

Suggest he convinces a judge he should have any sort of contact.
Then block him.
My ex tried to walk back into dd's life after 5 years.
Told him to do one.

He did...

CoronaLime · 24/03/2020 21:55

Don't do it to them. They are not his pick-me-up! Block him.

Amigoingmad29weeks · 24/03/2020 21:57

I think they are old enough that you should tell them about it. And then be led by them. If they say they want to see them then express your worries gently and ask them to take some time to think about it either way.

givemeacall · 24/03/2020 21:58

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

DocusDiplo · 24/03/2020 22:01

Not so suddenly ,no. He can build up to it once he has proved he will be staying around for the long term.

Don't let him bully you

FilthyforFirth · 24/03/2020 22:06

Nope. Completely ignore. He will soon give up.

YouCantBeSadHoldingACupcake · 24/03/2020 22:07

Talk to the dc about it, if they don't want to see him then tell him where to go, but if you don't give them the choice they could resent you when they are older

letsjog · 24/03/2020 22:13

Nope.

They're not some fall back when he's feeling sorry for himself.
He abandoned them, erased all evidence of them from SM, ignored birthdays, Christmases and all special and significant events and now he thinks he can swan back in because his first choice didn't work out?
What a horrible man.

Tell him he's welcome to apply through courts if he really means what he's saying.

Windyatthebeach · 25/03/2020 09:44

Imo talking to the dc about it at their ages will leave them feeling guilty that they want to say no and he may be upset....
Older teens yes talk, their ages no..
My dd absolutely does not have any negative feelings about me /my decision to tell ex to bog off!

RuggerHug · 25/03/2020 09:55

He can get in the sea!!! As pp, he can convince a judge first.

flirtygirl · 25/03/2020 10:01

It shifts the burden onto the kids to talk to them. That's unfair on them.

I would also not let him see them. His loss and if he was serious then he goes to court to prove this. Kids are not there to be picked up and dropped and doing so is very damaging psychologically.

The people saying talk to the kids are wrong, as that in itself will produce worry and doubt in the kids.

Why did your husband not adopt them, if the exh had said to do so, as now this situation would be moot?

Rainbowqueeen · 25/03/2020 10:03

Suggest mediation to come up with a plan for him to be slowly reintroduced to the children’s lives.
Ask him to organise it. Also ask him what his proposal is for maintenance.
My prediction is that nothing will then happen.

MsFrosty · 25/03/2020 10:06

Tell him he can write to them, explain where he has been and apologise. See what he writes before giving them anything. Get the letters posted to a friend or family member. I imagine he either wont bother as it's too much effort or vanish in a couple of weeks

T0tallyFuckedUpFamily · 25/03/2020 10:06

Bollocks to that! Your priority is your children’s happiness and having him dip in and out of their life will not be of benefit to them.

Original poster

Woman31 · 25/03/2020 10:32

We were/are actually going through adoption, we contacted the council but they said it would 12-18 months until we were assigned a social worker who will interview us/the kids/xh.

OP posts:

HollowTalk · 25/03/2020 10:37

The thing is that you have the perfect excuse with the coronavirus, so you can put it off for months and by then he'll have moved on to someone else and won't be bothered again.

Bringringbring12 · 25/03/2020 10:38

Why didn’t your husband adopt them if your ex offered?

Windyatthebeach · 25/03/2020 10:38

My dd did make contact with her 'd'f at 21. He was still a flakey waste of space.
She dumped him a few years later!! Only kept seeing him so long (prob twice a year as all he suggested) as he had another dd 10 years younger than dd... She also had zero interest in dd...
In a teary (mine) chat she said she never felt she missed out on not having him around as I was a good enough parent for 2!!

Bringringbring12 · 25/03/2020 10:38

Ah sorry

FizzyGreenWater · 25/03/2020 10:39

No, no, no.

Simply because he's practically made it clear as day that the only reason he's getting in touch is because he's alone at the moment.

What a nasty user.

Don't let him anywhere near them - he will absolutely drop them without a moment's notice when he gets a new gf/gets back with the old one/isn't in lockdown.

'No, you don't miss them. You're feeling sorry for yourself, and at a loose end, so you want to use them for a while to distract yourself. When you're less bored and upset or find a new girlfriend, you'll drop them again. You are disgusting. If you want to restart contact, please inform a solicitor. You'll understand (or maybe you won't, not having a parental bone in your body) why I have no intention of letting you use them in this way - if you want any contact, it will now be through court.'

Bringringbring12 · 25/03/2020 10:40

The thing is that you have the perfect excuse with the coronavirus, so you can put it off for months and by then he'll have moved on to someone else and won't be bothered again.

This ^^

Maybe not months but certainly long enough that waste is space like this will lose interest

So you have written evidence that he said he wanted to give the children up?

OhCaptain · 25/03/2020 10:42

Unfortunately this will screw up your DH’s adoption of the children.

Email him the amount owed in maintenance payments and he’ll probably disappear again!

*I know kids aren’t pay per view.

Thehop · 25/03/2020 10:44

Ignore him.

Don’t respond at all. Wait and see if he goes to court when he’s not bored.

letsjog · 25/03/2020 11:05

Also good idea to ask about maintenance / work our how much he should've paid up to now.

He does get to pick them up and drop them as it suits him.
He was happy for your DH to adopt them and resign all parental rights FFS!

Maintenance
Court
Super gradual if he perseveres.

Hopefully he will drop out at the mention of the first thing.

Good luck.

letsjog · 25/03/2020 11:05

He doesn't *

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