To utterly hate myself for being too quiet

[racerboy]

I honestly hate it. I've been like this my entire life. It's utterly embarrassing. I've just had an email from my line manager asking to go onto a how to talk workshop. My whole team was cc'd into it. I couldn't even read it properly as my heart sank and I felt so humiliated. Others need training for a computer package / learning about new changes etc. Not me - I need training in how to talk to people. I feel humiliated and utterly shit. I feel ashamed. I want to just run away and die and not live anymore.

I've been like this since I could remember. Something is seriously wrong with me. I'd rather not live. I came across some journals from years ago and it's the same shit then. How I wanted to just die and hated who am I am for being too quiet. I wish I could have a brain transplant and be someone else. I would be so happy to just die tomorrow. Noone would even notice.

Every workplace I just don't fit in and make people feel awkward and I then quickly leave as I can't bare it anymore. It's always me. Not them. I hate myself. This is no life.

Argh so sorry just wanted to vent.

Sorry this is awful for you

So sorry to hear this. But just think: you are the welcome balm of silence to the inane jabbering of those who rabbit on and on (ehem, as you can tell I sometimes suffer from the opposite problem!). Embrace your difference, and get on with living. Don't waste another minute chastising yourself.

That was a really shitty and unnecessary thing for your workplace to do - that is their problem, not yours.

It sounds obvious and apologies if you have already pursued this, but have you ever looked into therapy for this? There is nothing wrong with being a naturally quiet or reserved person, but it is clearly affecting your happiness and wellbeing and it may be something that can be addressed with the help of a professional.

OP, from what you say this about about way more than you being 'too quiet'. You're talking about suicide, and sound as if you have considerable long-rooted self-esteem issues -- have you tried counselling to talk about what's really behind this?

What exactly do you mean by 'too quiet'? Anyone can learn to be a better communicator at work -- maybe the workshop isn't a bad idea, even if you found the way it was communicated to you humiliating?

I’m so sorry you feel like this. I’m too much the other way, I talk and talk and talk and I know I push people away by being too much. My best friend in the world is the quietest man and he is the most wonderful because he doesn’t need to fill every silence like me, he is at peace with reality to me, whereas I am constantly looking for something to fill the quiet. Please don’t hate yourself for being you, if everyone was the same then life would be awful. Maybe some sort of self confidence building would be better for you, or finding something you love to do that allows you to occasionally join up with others who also love it - once you know everything about it you’ll always have something to talk about.
Good luck and please talk to someone in real life about how you’re feeling. Sending real positive thoughts x

My step sister was a lot like this, so quiet and hated having to do anything for herself, she would ask her mum to ask people things like directions, ordering food etc.
Then she decided she wanted to go to uni and we were all worried for her, how she would manage...and she blossomed! It was amazing the confidence it gave her!
She's still quiet but she's a lot more chatty now. She also used to suffer from IBS due to it and that's calmed a lot more now.
I know your circumstances are different but just a to let you know, things can change for you x

I'm quiet too but am probably older than you and have made peace with it. Quiet people are usually deep thinkers..

What kind of work do you do? I'd say that office work probably isn't for you - can you retrain in something that needs less interaction with others? I'm a technical editor so I need quiet and peace - I work from home and it suits me very well.. If I had my time again I'd invest in learning a craft or trade that I could perfect. .

Your manager sounds like a twat. Can you draft an email to her/him pointing out that their email made you feel humiliated?

Have you seen or read Susan Cain? You may find you can relate to this. If so, read her book and her website - so helpful in validating quiet people and valuing them for who they are. Please have a look.

Your manager, who CC'd everyone on the course he suggested for you, is a dope.

https://www.ted.com/talks/susancainnthepowerrofintroverts?utmmcampaign=tedspread&utmmedium=referral&utmmsource=tedcomshare

What a terrible thing for your line manager to do. Unbelievable. Being quiet is generally a personality trait that you're born with and in many parts of life it can be a wonderful trait.
Check out the book Quiet: the power of being an introvert in a world that cant stop talking by Susan Cain.
Maybe your skills would be more appreciated in a different workplace? Your line manager could find ways to help you communicate in the way that you're most suited to. E.g small groups or email

Hey. It’s okay to be different. It’s ok to not gel with most people. I’m a recovering alcoholic and only now realise I drank for so long and so inappropriately because it made me more sociable. It’s only getting sober that’s made me realise that in general I don’t actually like people. I don’t dislike them but I am indifferent: basically I’m not social at all. If that’s how you are then accept it and stop trying to change the person you are.

What I am hearing is that it is almost like the real you is locked behind the inability to get across who you are and what you really think and contribute to social interaction in a way that reflects who you are. I would assume (based only on my personal experience) that this inhibition of social interaction flow which constricts you was imposed from a young age by whatever means for it to be so deep-rooted all this time later.
I had a similar situation in my teens. I managed to extricate myself by picking one 'fault' at a time (I had many poor social skills and targeted them one at a time) and finding someone who was good at what I was bad at, watching how they did it (lots of observing other people - luckily in school and college there are lots of people to observe) and then copying them.
The cognitive dissonance was huge at first as I was massively acting, essentially pretending to have the habit of this other person but in reality I didn't. But, I kept it up for long enough until it felt less like an act and eventually I was able to do it for real.
Really slowly I was able to release the inner me that others wouldn't have suspected was there.
Because I picked one thing at a time it was do-able and the improvement was gradual so it didn't seem odd to others and now people who speak to me would never know I was ever anything other than socially OK. Occasionally I still make the odd slip up when I revert back to that 'odd' person I was but there is no going back now.

The point is that we don't get to be this way for no reason (mine was emotional abuse) but it is possible to find your way out. It can be done The fact that you wish you could connect with people the way others do, shows it is inside you wanting to come out.
There are therapies available where you can retrain your brain to throw off the old thought processes and habits which make you repeat this pattern and bring yourself to where you would rather be.

Someone will know what these are, I know of them but not enough to signpost you.

Pretty rubbish of your manager to cc everyone in on that!! But I think most people are kind and will be rooting for you not laughing at you.

What your line manager did was appalling. BUT I doubt anyone other than you has thought about this for more than a split second, please don’t worry about that.

Can you try and find some online counselling? This is clearly a very upsetting, deep issue for you @racerboy and we are all here for you if you need us. Feeling suicidal is so soul crushing and exhausting, life doesn’t have to be like that xx

Probably a leap for now but please consider Toastmasters International later on after some of the advice by PPs. They help people develop public speaking skills in a truly supportive environment. Meetings are online for now but if you have zoom, please check out a club, you don't have to speak.

It may come across as corporate but I know a number of people it's really benefitted socially.

Good luck.

OP you sound a very articulate and thoughtful person, but I’m sorry that some of the thoughts you are currently having are so negative.

I have a DD who is quiet (not shy, just quiet as she will point out sometimes). Listening is a hugely important and sometimes underrated skill. DD has had numerous people express surprise when she remembers a key fact about someone or chooses a present that they are delighted with. She is not superhuman, but she listens quietly and does not feel the need to draw attention to herself constantly.
Perhaps you are a bit like this too?

People can be very quick to dismiss others as “too quiet”, when what they really mean is “we would like to hear your voice more often because what you have to contribute is valuable”. Perhaps this is what your manager was trying to say (although I agree, the way the suggestion was made with colleagues cc’d was unhelpful and wrong)

I’m sure the other staff who had to learn basic computer / Excel skills probably felt the same. Don’t take it personally. Most Managers are underqualified for their role and do their job by looking at the development areas of staff rather than strengths. Accept the training (ask them for comms training attached to acting schools as they tend to work best in real life), and start looking for other roles once you have completed it.

Unbelievable that your manager cc'ed your team! It's them who should feel embarrassed, not you, and if you feel up to it I'd be composing a reply along the lines of "it's incredibly inappropriate to copy the team into a message of this nature; perhaps next time you could speak to me directly".

You sound really down on yourself generally. Being quiet isn't a personality flaw. Does your line of work require you to be talkative?

Also, I suspect you're projecting when you say people feel awkward. It's far more likely that your brain is running a million miles an hour during an interaction because of how you perceive yourself. I've worked with plenty of quiet people and honestly haven't given it much thought –most people take others as they come. You're judging yourself really harshly here. If you're a good person, it matters not whether you're quiet or loud.

Please be kind to yourself. There are far worse things to be than quiet

I know you're all saying it's ok to be quiet etc but that hasn't been my experience at all in life. Since I can remember from when I was a child I've just heard "she's not normal" "I would never give you a job" "why are you so quiet" "oh it speaks!" "You'd never be able to be a teacher" "they mustn't have has many applications so they gave you the job" "you're going to find it difficult finding a bf" . I can go on. It feels awful just typing that out but they're words that have been said to me by family / friends / colleagues.

My manager brought the being quiet thing up at my first appraisal and my next one is due soon. I get the impression she thinks I'm absolutely incompetent and is always asking me what I wrote when sending emails out. Sometimes she will check it. I recently ordered a cake and a card for a colleague who's ill. I told the company what to write in the message and she even asked me what did you write in the card. She thinks I can't even write a bloody get well card on behalf of the team.

How upsetting for you Racerboy, your manager has shown how little he understands people. Singling you out like this is hurtful and unhelpful. Sadly the world seems to be made for extroverts.

Do you have any hobbies or interests outside work which can boost your confidence? Maybe give you a subject to talk about?

I'm sorry you're going through this. I was very quiet like you when I was younger. It's only going through many life experiences which has given me the confidence to speak up. We're all different so please don't beat yourself up about this.

I feel really bad for you, you sound lovely and it's a shame people aren't breaking down those barriers of trust to see the real you.

I'm an awkward person, being witty doesn't come natural with stranger or joking but once you give me a little patience then I will get there.

This is not your fault, but looking at ways to over come it will make you happier. Throwing yourself in at the deep end.

Do you have any friends? That you can really be yourself with?. Or is this a constant thing?

I'm sure there is therapies and stuff but I'm sorry I can't give any advise. All I want to say it, you are important, you mean the world to your family, and you deserve happiness so never think you dont want to live.

It isn't always you and there's nothing seriously wrong with you as such. There's nothing wrong with someone being a quiet type, if they are happy with it. I'm guessing that you're not and maybe that's because it's not the real you. You want to express yourself and get noticed. So, start by getting to the root of it, as a pp I think said about your childhood. You CAN change, it won't be easy, one step forward and two back, and it will take time, but don't let it make you feel like giving up. You've got alot to look forward to. Don't give up.

What you are describing is less a person with defective speaking skills and more a manager with defective people skills.

The chances are that the painful comments have made more of an impression upon you over the years than the quiet pleasure people have felt at being at ease with your undemanding presence. There is a huge difference between the quiet, non-speaking person who just gets on with life without creating barriers for others, and the quiet, non-speaking person who looks at people and waits for them to get on with life. Those are quiet people whose silence is passive-aggressive and causes discomfort for those around them. Quiet people who create space in life are a pleasure that we rarely acknowledge.

I'm a chatterbox who loves to perform. Yet I have been sent on a communication course because my written communication was not good enough. Turns out that stringing words together in writing is a whole different skill-set to chatting! I was also sent on a presentation course, because my presentation skills were not good enough. Turns out presenting is a whole different skill-set to acting!

There's no shame to learning and improving your skills. And it doesn't matter whether those improvable skills are Excel or speaking or French or riding a bicycle.

Don't get me wrong I think your manager was inappropriate sending any of you details of courses other people should go on....but perhaps to some extent it is you stigmatising it? You think being quiet is such a terrible thing it's humiliating to be raised but to them it's just another skill you need to develop like the person who needs computer skills - so less about "how to talk"than "how to communicate effectively in thr work place"

There is nothing wrong with being quiet -but if YOU feel it has hindered you (and it sounds like it has) then why not go on the course? The very fact that it exists and has secured funding means that it's not just you that struggles -there are thousands of others that have the same 'skill gap' so try not to take it so personally.

You managed to get the job so you can't be that bad at communicating!

I'm quiet too op. If I ever do talk to people I say something so incredibly stupid! My husband and 2 year old are both extroverts so I feel really happy for them and wish I could just talk to people but I end up embarrassing myself. I hope my newborn is the same as my husband too! Fwiw since having kids I have grown a pair and shared my opinion a bit more.