Funeral

[AliceBanned]

My best friend has died and her funeral is later this week. The lockdown situation seems to be allowing funerals to go ahead but still some confusion over whether for immediate family only. Also, it means a round trip of approx 400 miles by public transport (mainly train) as I can't drive. This is doable in a day and obviously staying overnight is out of the question now anyway.

DH is furious that I am even considering going and calling me selfish, stupid and ridiculous.

She was my closest and oldest friend, I have known her since we were in nursery together and we were like sisters. I am so devastated that she has gone and I can't fathom not being able to go to her funeral. I am adamant that I will try to get there but this is causing a bitter argument with DH and I am starting to doubt my judgement as everything seems so surreal right now.

It may be that the rules dictate that I am not allowed to attend as restricted to immediate family only or the journey not considered essential but am I being unreasonable to actually consider going? Would it be selfish and stupid? Like I say, I am struggling to process the situation and the death and maybe my DH is right.

How about you and the family plan a celebration of her life on the first anniversary of her death or birthday (whichever suits best). That way you can have a proper send off without risking the health of the living. For now you can maybe write a huge letter to the family with your favourite memories and pictures of her.

I've decided that if my dad dies he'll be cremated without a funeral and we will do something about it later.

No advice or knowledge, but I'm so sorry for your loss, at such an awful time

i suspect there are going to be alot more funerals in the coming weeks that we cant be at. i think the way to handle them will be to have a big funeral/memorial on the anniversary when this has all gone away. My DM has made me promise she isnt going to miss out on a big do if she goes during this nightmare.

Nothing to add to previous posts, but I’m so sorry for your loss. Please keep yourself and your family safe by staying home

A very old friend died recently, before the virus business got so serious. We were def. planning to go to the funeral (a 2 1/2 hour drive away) and stay the night somewhere) - his wife is also a very old friend.

Funeral is next week - of course we won’t now be going. There’s a limit of 5 attendees anyway, which won’t even cover their own close family.

Aww this is so sad.

I can completely understand why you want to go, I would too but with current circumstances I don’t even think it’s allowed so the decision has been made for you.

Your have to raise a glass at home and look at pictures, put on your favourite song or similar and remember your friend that way.

I'm so sorry. This is dreadful for all concerned but you can't go. I'm afraid your DH is right.

I mean this kindly but you would be very unreasonable to travel to the funeral. Your grief is clouding your judgement. I'm sorry for your loss. Your friend would want you to stay away and be safe.

I am so sorry for your loss. But really you must not go. Could the funeral be live-streamed? I know someone who did this. And plan a memorial service when things are safer.

My mum died 3 weeks ago and her funeral was due to be the 7th April but has had to be cancelled due to all immediate family members having health conditions or over 70 so self isolating for 12 weeks. We now have to have a direct cremation where no one can be there and try and have a “wake” once meeting in groups is allowed again

I'm so sorry. I think the churches and funeral directors are awaiting guidance but it seems to be likely that only 5 people can attend. And travelling isn't allowed. There are plans to allow services to be filmed.

So sorry for your loss. Going to flip this round, imagine you go and catch the virus and die yourself in the next 2 weeks. Would you want your other friends to come to your funeral in this situation? I hate to be so harsh but you have to stay home and stay safe. I’m sure that’s what your friend would have wanted. Stay safe and again am so sorry for your loss

I'm so sorry for your loss but you really cannot go.

I am so sorry OP. So, so sorry for your loss. But no, you can't go to the funeral

Thank you for all your kind messages. It's such an awful time and my heart goes out to everyone who loses a loved one at the moment whatever the circumstances. The funeral seems so important and the thought of barely anyone there makes me so sad. @Lottieloves so sorry for your loss and that you have to face this too.

It's good to get an 'outside' perspective and it's brought me to my senses and made me realise that DH is right. As some posters have said, my friend would not have wanted anyone taking unnecessary risks.

I have now been in touch with the family and the decision is taken out of my hands anyway as the crematorium are restricting numbers and immediate family only. There is no plan for any kind of video link but the family are planning to arrange a memorial celebration at a later date. I will sit in the garden and remember her at the time of the funeral but feel so very cheated by this horrible virus. Rest in Peace my lovely friend.

Funerals are limited to 9 including the priest/ celebrant. It’s been advised immediate family only and to have a memorial for everyone else who would have attended when this is over

By going you are incredibly selfish, travelling by public transport, and then bringing god knows what back to your family

I doubt very much your friend would want to you to attend in circumstances such as these

Just remember her quietly at the time of the funeral

If I died now I wouldn't want my best friend to attend. I love her too much! I am sure your friend would have said the same.
Maybe hold a big memorial when all this is over?
I am really sorry for your loss

AliceBanned
I understand that the funeral seems important, but what is really important is the friendship you had throughout her life.

Remember her quietly whilst the funeral is happening.

So sorry

@IcaMorgan @GETTINGLIKEMYMOTHER

@ajandjjmum You are right, of course. I have countless memories and will miss her dreadfully.

Strange times but I have to accept the fact that the important thing is to protect the living and my friend would absolutely have agreed.

Thanks again for all the sensible advice and kind messages. It's really helped me.

My mother dies last week. We can’t have a proper funeral, let alone a wake. We are going to have a memorial/remembrance for her when this is all over. It’s time to put the living first. We can remember the dead fondly, but not at the risk of further death, I think.
I’m sorry for your loss, Alice

My sister died last week and I wont be going to the funeral. There will be a memorial service when all this crazy shit is over x

@ImperfectAlf So sorry to hear about your mum, such a sad time but a memorial type service when it's possible is a good idea.

I’m really sorry but you can’t go. My sympathy.

@AuntieMarys Sorry to hear you lost your sister. It is crazy indeed - life on hold.

I'm sorry for the loss of your friend, AliceBanned, when you sit in your garden on the day of the funeral, could you plant something for her, do you think? It would be lovely to see something grow in your garden that makes you think of her.