To give up on breastfeeding/expressing at 11 weeks

[Mammabee20]

Hi all! I know it is early but i am laying here wide awake at 2:30 in the morning feeling like a major failure of a mother. My son was born early at 34 weeks, he only weighed 3 lbs 8 and he has been in and out of hospital for numerous things. We got out for good at the end of February.

The problems he had was mainly
Bowel movements and gaining weight, he was so small that he couldn’t breastfeed and latch. Even when he got a bit bigger he ended up being in hospital and having his feeds regemented so no one encouraged breastfeeding because they needed to know exactly how much he was having so his stomach didn’t balloon up again.

Since birth I have been expressing milk and after a while we were told to top him up with formula because he wasn’t gaining quickly.. expressing 8-12 times a day was easy when I was in hospital but now I am on home and in self isolation due to all this Coronavirus I just don’t have time.. I am not making enough milk (probably due to stress) I can’t express and look after my son and my daughter (she is only 17 months)

I am still having to top him up with formula for every other feed & he is not latching at all, he just doesn’t seem to want to get it at all.. he cries and wriggles away from my breast and the support group won’t come to the house now obviously.

I told the hospital how much I wanted to do it, I kept saying before he came early take him out and my breastmilk would help him be healthy, I kept worrying about him dying (info about this is on my other posts) so my only saving grace was that i knew my milk was good for him as I breastfed my daughter for 10 months previously and my supply was already there when I got hospitalised. I now feel like my body failed at carrying him and helping him to grow and if I give up on expressing than I will be failing him even more I feel like I thought breastfeeding was the one thing I could do right for him and now I can’t and i shouldn’t even deserve to be his mother if I can’t feed him properly

My AIBU is should I give up and stop trying or should I keep persevering? And AIBU to feel like my mental health is going to be tarnished as a result as all I want to do is breastfeed him, it is for some reason the only thing I want to do for him and I want to do right by him. It is breaking my heart the thought of giving up but I am exhausted and my DD needs me too

Normally, I would tell you to be kind to yourself, and that if breastfeeding wasn't working, it wasn't working.

But given the current situation with formula in shops, I think you should avoid becoming more dependent on formula being available than you currently are, at least until stock levels in shops have been sorted out.

I'm sorry.

Oh goodness, you've been through the mill you poor thing. Huge hugs.

I've got nothing to say other than do what is right for you. How you feed your baby is just a tiny part of parenthood. Your child won't grow up knowing how they were fed, they grow up knowing and remembering how loving their parents were and how much time we devoted to them and how we made them feel.
What ever you decide, you've not failed anyone!

I agree with Pothole- if formula runs low at least you have your boobs! Is your partner around to help while you re establish feeding? Support is important when establishing feeding.
If so have you tried laid back/biological nurturing- but you need time to relax, skin to skin with baby etc. Gently guide him to your boob . Try not to panic. Cañ someone have dd while you try feedingf?
As his mouth gets bigger he'll get better at feeding. It's so hard when tfey dont latch on. My son screamed at my boob tgen i cried - it's very emotional and i feel for you!
Sorry for typos, feeding baby.
Good luck. X

If you are confident in formula supply then ignore above from ne! Your sanity and health matter too!

@PotholeParadise- I know luckily the milk he is on is a special doctor prescribed formula but obviously whilst my body is making free healthy and nutritious food for him i don’t want to let the supply go..

I honestly don’t know what is best for my mental health either giving up or perservering. I have had to be the one that made every hard decision for him this year and that is nothing against my amazing husband, it’s just that I was obviously carrying him so it was my decision to have him bs born early when he stopped growing inside and started to struggle, less movement etc.

I had the same dilemma when I was pregnant and they told me I could choose what MOD I had as I have had a previous EMCS, another c section was risky for him & me in some ways but a natural birth was riskier for me with the risk of tearing old scar. With him being so small luckily that decision was taken out of my hands because I didn’t want to put him through that and stress him out.

If my body had never made milk for him at least I’d feel justified but as I said in my OP to give up would make me feel like I was abandoning him in a way.. not that I have anything against people choosing to formula feed, it’s just that breast to me personally is so important & with him I feel like I would be keeping him alive if I was feeding him naturally

@Trumpleton- my husband is absolutely amazing and so supportive but no I am never given the time to try and feed him like that. I love him but I don’t think he sees how important it is too me! He says well if you keep expressing then you are feeding him.. I don’t have time to steralise bottles, express 8-12 times a day, play with my daughter & be sane. I mean I am trying to do it like 4 times a day and even then I am not making enough for more than his next feed.

He hasn’t ever latched at all.. he was too small they said and because he wasn’t passing bowel movements due to being so small his stomach swelled up and was all bloated so he was in and out of hospital and they kept changing his feed amounts and no one encouraged latching because it would have used more energy and they wouldn’t know how much he was getting.

Is the fact he never latched going to be a problem?

Maybe try a silicon breast pump. I used it on the opposite breast at every feed for a few days. Sent my milk production into overdrive 🙈
Don’t get the Tommee Tippee one it doesn’t stay in place as it’s too heavy.

www.amazon.co.uk/gp/aw/d/B07QHDCBWS?psc=1&ref=ppx_pop_mob_b_asin_title&tag=mumsnetforu03-21

This just stays in place by itself so you don’t have to worry.

Remember fed is best. Give yourself a break a baby is not easy don’t put too much pressure yourself

Hey. First of all, you didn't make the decision to deliver him early. You and multiple specialist health professionals came to that decision together. Judging by that date, at least one consultant was involved. Don't think for a moment that they would have delivered him at 34 weeks just on the basis that you would or could breastfeed.

They delivered him early, because on the basis of experience with monitoring pregnancy and on the basis of experience with caring for premature babies, it was the best option. Breastfeeding premature babies is very hard and you end up expressing, so naturally maintaining any kind of supply with a premature baby is also very hard. This is your first experience of this, but it was not theirs.

They would never have made the decision to deliver early because they banked on you being able to breastfeed. Ever.

For now, see if you can carry on expressing milk/teaching him to latch for one more week, then reassess.

If you can get some fenugreek, it will help with supply. I took 2 tsp 3 x day. And how much water are you drinking? Be sure you are drinking pints of it.

Not being able to breastfeed properly nearly destroyed me, I remember, but I ended going for nearly three years. But I needed the fenugreek.

I absolutely agree that there is absolutely nothing wrong in moving into formula, so if you decide to do this please don’t beat yourself up! Your mental health is so important and it will be better for your baby that you are happy and they are fed by formula than you persisting with trying to BF/expressing but being miserable.

However, in case it’s helpful, have you tried using nipple shields?

My baby wouldn’t latch very well when she was born then after a day of persisting she seemed to develop an aversion to even trying and just screamed every time I tried to get her to latch. We ended up back in hospital on day 3 due to weight loss where we quickly got put on a feeding regime of expressing 8-10 times a day and formula top-ups (so hard and exhausting so you really have my sympathy). By this point my baby wouldn’t latch at all so was getting everything through a bottle even though I would (unsuccessfully) try to get her to latch before each feed.

Eventually someone from the breastfeeding support came out to my house to see how I was getting on around 2 weeks after she was born, and I was still not managing to get a latch so just expressing for all feeds - she suggested trying nipple shields and it was absolutely miraculous, my baby latched on!! I think they help as they are a bit longer than your nipple they can trigger the suck reflex for some small babies, and they are also a little more familiar feeling to a baby who is used to bottles. They may not work for you but maybe worth a try? They get a bad rep sometimes but honestly the difference they made to us was amazing and 9 months later I’m still breastfeeding because of them.

If you do try them then give the baby a bit from a bottle first so they are not starving when trying, and express a little first so you have already had your let down so that milk quickly comes into the shield if the baby decides to give it ago. Then put the shield on (videos on YouTube to show you best way to do this) and drop a wee bit of milk on the shield before trying. Also try all this while doing skin to skin as then the baby will be as relaxed as possible.

Just to save you a bit of time you don't need to sterilise bottles that have just had breast milk in. Just a wash with hot soapy water is fine.

I'm in a similar position - my milk never really came in because I was ill after the birth and then the baby was in and out of hospital for her first month.
I've borrowed a pump from nhs for a month but I just do not have time to pump, sterilise, then feed the baby formula as I can only get a few mils from the pumping. I would be doing this constantly with no time to do anything else.
I feel guilty because I really wanted to breastfeed, have serious problems finding formula plus the cost of formula wasn't something I factored in after spending a lot of money on breastfeeding accessories etc.
We've just had another stint in hospital so the pump is now due back in a week yet I've only used it twice! I can't justify spending over £100 on my own if I can only get 10ml a day from my boobs. I wanted to get bf established with the borrowed pump first before making the purchase.
We had latch issues too which have never been sorted out, a possible tongue tie which takes months to be referred to a doctor and now the infant feeding service won't come out.

It sounds like you need to consider giving up bf. It will make you feel like you're failing each time you don't have time to pump or you don't produce enough. I feel like a failure myself but I think I also need to just give it up as it's clearly not going to work for me either.

Hi OP

We're in a bit of a similar situation, I had twins at the beginning of February at 34 weeks, one was 5lb 10 and the other 3lb 7.5. Both were in NICU, the little one was in for longer. I had started hand expressing then using a pump, once I got one twin back I was expressing after feeds but trying to combine this with visiting NICU and spend time with the little one. I ended up giving up entirely after a breakdown as it was too much and I also have a two year old.

I felt so guilty and like I was failing the little one, especially when the larger twin had been able to latch and breastfeed exclusively even if only for a couple of days. It felt totally backwards that the bigger twin was able to get the breast milk, I felt like you - why should I deserve to be his mam when I can't even feed him or look after him right now, it was a sense of purpose and control, the only thing I could do for him when he was hooked up to machines.

To be honest to some extent I still have feelings of guilt and failure but I keep trying to check myself, they are both healthy and putting on weight and at the end of the day fed is best. Our worth as mother's is not defined by our ability to breastfeed.

Breastfeeding isn't always right for everyone, and that should be ok. A lot of the time I see advice on physical problems like the latch, without it being acknowledged how difficult it can be on maternal mental health.

Please be kind to yourself, moving onto formula does not make you a bad mother, your baby will not care or remember and it is impossible to spot which toddler has been breastfed or formula fed in a line up.

I'm not trying to put you off breastfeeding, I just found in hospital everyone talked about the benefits of continuing breastfeeding and very few people actually said it's fine to quit, sometimes it's the better choice for your family and circumstances, don't overthink it or torture yourself.

Another one coming on to say try nipple shields - they were my saving grace and enabled feeding for ages

Definitely speak to your DH about time needed to feed. He needs to keep your dd occupied so you can just lie with baby for a good hour at a time

I never used steriliser for pump/bottles - just put in dishwasher to save time and sanity

You are doing your best, just keep going for a day at a time

I would absolutely give up- I managed expressing for 3 months with a baby who couldn't latch and it nearly killed me. 6 years on and really who cares how she was fed. She is happy and healthy and has a happy relaxed mother.

But- with the formula situation I probably would try to keep my supply going just in case you can't get hold of any in the coming weeks.

Sorry you’re going through this @Mammabee20

If you want to switch to formula to preserve your mental wellbeing and allow you to be there for both kids, then do it and don’t feel bad about doing the best for your family.

Similarly, if you do want to persevere with breastfeeding - that’s ok too. A way to speed things up when expressing would be to use a hands free pump like the Elvie, they are available second hand on eBay. The bonus of the pump is that you can wear it under your bra, you can move around, use your hands, play with the kids/do the other hundreds of jobs that need doing. Also a helpful tip to express more milk quickly is to hold the baby when you’re expressing- (obviously need a hands free pump for this), but holding the baby stimulates oxytocin and increases milk output. This small trick allowed me to fill a bottle in half the time.

In summary, do what is right for you, and don’t waste any time feeling bad about it, because what is right for you, is best for your children.

Before making a decision, contact someone for help. Ideally a long phone call with an IBCLC or if not an online LLL meeting or the NCT helpline.It sounds like you’ve not had really good, individually tailored advice.

I’ve seen very good results from people in your situation who get excellent advice and support - it definitely is possible, and it would be one less worry if you’re not having to get hold of formula. Good luck!

I have not particular advice to add, but just wanted to say I had a similar experience. DS stopped growing and had to come early. No problem at all with breastfeeding - he was a wee pro from the minute he was born - he was just too small to sustain the energy breastfeeding took so he lost too much weight and I had to mix feed from the start to get him gaining weight. The rest of the time I was either feeding him myself or stepped up to the hideous double electric pump from the hospital. It was awful - I don’t know how you’ve coped with it all plus an older child too!
DS eventually refused the breast at around 3 months and that was that. I felt awful, same as you. My body couldn’t grow him big enough and now he didn’t want mummy special milk anymore
I’m over it now, he is now 9 months, perfect and thriving. But I still get why you feel upset. You’re a brilliant mum

Ordinarily I’d say give up but.....in the global pandemic, if you are infected with covid 19 then you’ll make antibodies faster than your baby can. If you’re still breastfeeding him then he’ll get antibodies from you, which will help him fight off the virus.

La Leche league are doing online/virtual consultations.

Give him formula - he will be fine!!!! I have formula fed one child and breastfed another. Guess who has many allergies, sensitivities and is so tiny for his age - the BF baby! Of course this isn't a perfect scientific case study but I just wanted to share that my formula fed child is thriving and my only regret is that I didn't switch to formula sooner once it was clear that bf'ing him wasn't working out. Fed is best and honestly you gave it an honest effort!

Under usual circumstances I would also say give it up, you gave it your best. But, people are saying formula is not easy to get so I’d have to carry on personally. I see from your update you get it prescribed but it’s a still a very difficult call to make. You are relying on other events and people to find your baby. Breast feeding means baby o oh relies on you. I’m sorry this is happening.
Only you and your husband to some extent can answer this.

Feed not find !

I hear you OP. I had an EMCS and then no milk when DD was born. I felt my body had totally let me down. I hadn't been able to give birth and couldn't even feed my baby once she was here.

I tried to express milk, and managed only a trickle each time. DD was a very content baby, but screamed if I tried to get her to latch on.

After 6 weeks of formula and tiny breast milk top-ups I had a bad infection in my C-section wound and needed such strong antibiotics that breast milk was no longer allowed. Even if I'd been able to breastfeed I would have had to stop as I couldn't pass my drug filled milk to DD.

It was a very hard time, but actually the relief of being told by a Dr to stop trying to breastfeed and stop pumping was a relief.

DD is fine! Big and strong now over a decade later. Never gets ill. Kids around her can be dropping with D&V and she never catches it...

I know I'm not a Dr... but OP... it's ok to stop. You're doing an amazing job. You've recognised that this isn't the best thing for you and your family. You can stop and know that you did everything that you could in very difficult circumstances. Be kind to yourself

One thing I am grateful for is my boobs right now, glad I don’t have to worry about buying formula on top of everything else.

DS arched and cried and wriggled away and couldn't latch at all when he was born. I worked out later I was expressing for something like 8hrs a day. It's just not maintainable with older children. He ended up being diagnosed with a tongue tie and that was why, he physically couldn't do it. Your DS sounds so similar.

But this bit worries me shouldn’t even deserve to be his mother if I can’t feed him properly. You know deep down that's not true, you've fought for him from the start and protected him and you're nurturing him whether you feed him breastmilk or formula.

Do you think it might be worth talking to a Dr about your feelings if you can manage it? It could be the mix of sheer exhaustion and hormones making you feel that way and oh boy I remember that, but if the feelings of terror that you'll lose him or you don't deserve him are there more than not, I think it would be good to talk to someone in rl to let them know how you're feeling.

In your situation, if you have a reliable supply of formula, I would probably switch to it.