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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Step children and lockdown WWYD

56 replies

familyof4boys · 23/03/2020 21:20

My DH and his EW have 50/50 contact with the children. We were planning to share their care, homeschooling etc. Can we still do this with the lockdown? Is he allowed to go and get them? WWYD? So hard to know what to do!

OP posts:
PurpleDaisies · 24/03/2020 08:02

You’re wrong sex. Look further up the thread. The guidelines have been amended to clarify this issue.

Children of parents who don’t live together can be swapped between households if they’re under 18.

Sotiredofthislife · 24/03/2020 08:07

Every mother who uses coronavirus as an excuse to block their child"s father out of their life should hang her head in shame

Because fathers would never do that, would they? And nor would any parent be concerned about what exposure the other may have and what that could potentially mean for both households. Some sense and flexibility, use of technology etc needs to kick in.

Bbaew · 24/03/2020 08:34

Can someone post the link that has the new footnote from boris please? Xx

MovinOnUp · 24/03/2020 09:04

My immune system is insufficient thanks to a medical condition.
My DP is asthmatic.
If I send the DC to my Ex's house, which is home to a care home worker and by the children's account it's none too clean....I'd be as well sending them to school and let them lick handrails.

purplezebracaun · 24/03/2020 09:29

i have asthma and I'm also on immune suppressants. DSS lives with his mum who works in a hospital but not nurse/doctor, she takes public transport and visits friends after work. DH is still collecting DSS as normal and he stays for one or two days, goes home for one or two days then comes back again. I'm worried he could be carrying the virus without knowing as his mum is out and about. what can i do to minimise my risk? we live in a 2 bedroom flat so other than stay in my bedroom i don't know how else to protect myself

TooTrusting · 24/03/2020 09:45

People like the last 2 PPs have a reason to argue the movement between homes should not occur. Please read my post from about 2.30am which is very clear on the legalities of this.

MovinOnUp · 24/03/2020 11:09

Thanks @TooTrusting I think I will need to seek legal advice on this as there is a court order in place for access and I'm quite sure my Ex will see this as me being 'difficult' when it's far from the truth.
(I've had them out of school for three weeks now and quite frankly I could use the break, But I'm not willing to risk people's health for it)

Bibidy · 24/03/2020 11:28

Children are permitted to move between two homes, but I suppose it's up to you whether it's advisable or not. Personally I'm not sure why children are excluded from this as they are still moving between households and also may still be carrying the virus from when they were at school?

My OH is weighing this up currently as he's due to collect his 2 children for the weekend on Friday but doesn't know whether to. They live around 3 hours away so it's not justa question of bringing them into another home but also is potentially bringing the virus from one area of the country to another if any member of either household is carrying it.

I just don't think it's smart. It's not ideal obviously for kids not to see a parent for a few weeks but they can still communicate frequently via Skype. They are safe with their other parent.

Tbh I'm more concerned about older people who live alone and may not have access to technology to keep in touch with loved ones at all. I think if those people are expected to muddle through then so should the rest of us, including children.

TooTrusting · 24/03/2020 11:33

A 6 hour round trip will involve contact with others - loo stops, petrol etc. It is non essential travel. He should leave them where they are. He is their DF for life. A blip of a few weeks isn't going to change his relationship with them. The govt guidance has to be interpreted and weighed up in the round, alongside other factors.

Bibidy · 24/03/2020 11:40

@TooTrusting Agreed (assuming your post was for me).

He has decided against it and confirmed with their mum. I don't think she's best pleased but it's the right thing to do.

The thing is, her mum is very much in the vulnerable group and it would only take the kids to take it from us and pass it to their mum who then leaves it on a piece of shopping she drops off for her parents.

It's not forever and we're all making sacrifices. I think he's done the right thing.

NoKnit · 24/03/2020 12:00

www.liverpoolecho.co.uk/news/liverpool-news/what-coronavirus-uk-lockdown-rules-17969207?utm_source=whatsapp&utm_medium=social&utm_campaign=sharebar

I hope the link works, not read the article fully but thought I'd share it as looks useful

Sooverthemill · 24/03/2020 12:02

Give said this morning children under 18 can go between the homes of their parents if they have joint custody. This assumes everyone is well

Changeofname79 · 24/03/2020 12:30

They have stated that the custody agreements should still be adhered to. I think if there is any way parents can agree to limit or not move children between households this would be advisable. I believe the original note that says 'if applicable ' was referring to those who really need to (ie medical needs, keyworkers) but the fact there are court orders in place means this is such a difficult situation for many families. There needs to be much more guidance released about this IMO.

Disclaimer- I only saw the news till about 1030am so no idea if more info has been released now.

MovinOnUp · 24/03/2020 13:07

The children aren't due at his house until 5th of April, So I'll keep an eye on the guidance until then. It could all change before then and EXH may surprise me and not insist on contact being enforced.
Where can I get concrete legal advice on my position though? (am in Scotland)

TooTrusting · 24/03/2020 15:18

From a solicitor!

TooTrusting · 24/03/2020 15:22

My advice is to parents in England and Wales. But I don't see how the central govt advice wouldn't apply in Scotland.
Allowing children to move for contact is not a blanket thing. Sense has to be applied to each situation. And in combination with advice re travel.
So a short journey with no complicating factors, fine. For long journeys, and where there are complicating factors such as vulnerable household members and increased exposure, no.

Whoareyoudududu · 24/03/2020 15:24

If you live in the same town and all adults WFH then the risk is minimal. If adults work outside of home and you live in separate cities, I wouldn’t risk it.

TooTrusting · 24/03/2020 15:35

*They have stated that the custody agreements should still be adhered to
*
Not true. They have said that children CAN travel between homes. This is not the same thing at all. Some households will have vulnerable people in them, or vital workers who have a higher chance of being exposed to it. Some households are hours apart, requiring long distance travelling which will of necessity include mixing with third parties (loo breaks, petrol stops). Parents are expected to apply common sense and interpret this exception alongside other rules of isolation.

TooTrusting · 24/03/2020 15:37

A good example is Whoareyoudududu's post. Demonstrating the human ability to apply common sense to the guidance.

MovinOnUp · 24/03/2020 15:44

Here's me assuming solicitor's offices would be closed....but I suppose they will be working from home.

TooTrusting · 24/03/2020 16:15

Family Courts are working, all hearings are via Skype or telephone conference call.
We are actually classed as key workers.

I work in a small office. We are going in on a rota basis so that we are there alone or separated by different rooms. Also working from home. I have several clients needing advice about the lockdown and last week's social isolation and am managing disputes over what it all means. One case where a DF attempted to retain his DC with fairly disastrous consequences (for him).
So yes, still working!

MovinOnUp · 24/03/2020 16:17

@TooTrusting Thank you, I'll email the solicitor that dealt with the child access court case and see if she can help me with this.

TooTrusting · 24/03/2020 16:24

Thankfully my XH is sensible (ish). He was due to have or 4 DCs the weekend just gone. He lives about 90 minutes away from me but mumbled about taking them to London to stay with his elderly parents. I advised him that this was not a good idea and he should take them to his home as his 80 y/o parents should really be self isolating. He half listened. But ended up calling on Friday afternoon and cancelling altogether because he thought it was better that they stay put. Frankly, after 5 weeks without contact due to his work commitments I could have done with a break but I agreed to keep the DCs because it was THE SENSIBLE THING TO DO. And he suggested it because IT WAS THE SENSIBLE THING TO DO.
Refreshing isn't it, parents putting the DCs above their own wishes. It is possible.

TooTrusting · 24/03/2020 16:27

Moving, you won't be the only one with this issue and your solicitor should have formed a view. Is there a CAFCASS equivalent in Scotland? Does their website have anything like CAFCASS England does (CAFCASS Cymru's doesn't but my thinking is they'd adopt CAFCASS England's position).

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