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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Or could these be signs of cheating?

53 replies

Daisypop89 · 23/03/2020 11:13

Stuck to his phone permanently smirking at it, absolutely delighted at the prospect of getting to go to his office this morning since working from home the last week (extra long shower, aftershave, 3 different hair products!), I have very unusual breakthrough bleeding which I needed to see a GP about and was advised to get a smear (I know this kind of bleeding can be a sign of STI).
The trip to the office this morning was supposed to be a flying visit to collect something but he has sent a few texts about how he'll be delayed and things are "slow". This will mean he left at 9 and wont be back till lunch. Also insisting we need things from the shops that we don't need, which he'll have to "stop and pick up on the way back". I know for a fact there is nobody else in his office building due to the obvious situation.
I have never been cheated on before so I don't know what to think. We have two very young DDs together and are otherwise happy and functioning very well as a family.

OP posts:

hammeringinmyhead · 23/03/2020 15:09

I asked him to leave his phone on the counter and he said no and turned very red and disappeared into the toilet where he faffed for a couple of minutes (with his phone I'm guessing) before eventually taking a piss. He stayed a lovely shade of red for quite some time.

Does OP "having time on her hands" (with 2 toddlers/babies? You're having a laugh) explain this?

Original poster

Daisypop89 · 23/03/2020 15:56

I definitely do not have much time on my hands. That's why the curiosity over his trip away only came about after today's events. He is certainly being dishonest about something, he was so red in the face when I brought it up and his hands were shaky. I asked him why he was so shaky and he said he'd had a coffee

OP posts:

Original poster

Daisypop89 · 23/03/2020 15:59

I asked him why he wouldn't agree to leave his phone on the counter when he came home, and he replied that he thought it was "disrespectful" to be asked to do that. It's like he gets very nervous when he thinks I've found something out, then when he realises it's only a suspicion he gets very cocky again and just laughs in my face. It's very odd.

OP posts:

aupresdemonarbre · 23/03/2020 16:16

I'm really surprised that the consensus is behind him cheating tbh.

I had to do a short and essential errand at the weekend which required me to get a taxi to a different part of London. I dressed nice, put on make up and perfume, got the taxi to drop me off a bit early so I could walk a bit further, picked up a few bits from the shop on my way back and generally dawdled. I'm boggled to think that this could be read as me getting ready to cheat! I just was pleased to get out of the house and have some space - I really doubt I'm unusual in feeling like that!

I think it's a bit controlling to get concerned if your partner is making an effort in their looks and not accounting for every hour of their movements, especially at work.

The breakthrough bleeding - yes, of course, get tested for STIs but it can happen for a million reasons.

Smirking at phone could be a sign combined with other things, but as I personally don't see that it is combined with other red flags.

I guess if you have a sense that something is up it is worth listening to that. Ultimately - if you are concerned you must ask him directly.

MagnoliaJustice · 23/03/2020 16:32

I don't think he's necessarily cheating - he might be swapping daft memes with friends on WhatsApp and is too embarrassed to admit to his childishness.

How do you know how many hair products he used this morning? I wouldn't have a clue what my DH's grooming routine is, to be honest, I don't watch him, I'm usually rushing around getting ready myself.

The blushing and the shaking? Hmm, does sound like he's got a guilty conscience about something. Ask him outright. Are you cheating? Could this symptom I have be an STI?

nestisflown · 23/03/2020 16:50

I think you'll have to put a tracking device in his car and just track his movements over the next few weeks as I imagine he'll be super careful with his phone from now on. Sorry you're going through this OP- it doesn't sound good.

Original poster

Daisypop89 · 23/03/2020 17:46

I know about the hair products because they are new ones he's using, he's obsessed with them. He also grew a beard towards the end of last year, looked terrible (he's really blonde) and it irritated my face any time he came near me so there was absolutely no intimacy, he still kept the beard for four months. I even commented that it was interesting that getting a kiss from me ranked lower in importance than having a beard. He just answered back that I wasn't interested in intimacy anyway so what did it matter (I'd just had a baby!). He eventually shaved it off. He also started wearing new clothes etc but this was all last Autumn and he seems more lax again now. I really don't know what's going on but there it most certainly something.

OP posts:

Hannah4banana · 23/03/2020 17:51

Sorry but this was me, I'm not cheating I just need a break! I'm a key worker and work has been mental lately, I just want some time to myself.

Notimeforaname · 23/03/2020 18:00

I think you just need to keep asking him directly 'are you cheating?' obviously he won't admit to it but you will see it on his face.

As a previous poster said, if you can't talk, you have nothing anyway.

So sorry you have the stress of this on top of everything else goin on

tarasmalatarocks · 23/03/2020 20:19

I think the fast talking and sounding anxious can be a give away. As can over explaining anything.

OoohTheStatsDontLie · 23/03/2020 20:35

I was keeping an open mind until you say you asked him and he went red and started shaking and then went and hid with his phone. I'm sorry OP but I dont think you actually need any more proof than this. I don't think someone with nothing to hide would act like this. They'd be confused / pissed off / showing you their phone to show you how wrong you were etc

Qwerty543 · 23/03/2020 23:01

I'd say they are classic signs. Especially the weird refusal to leave his phone anywhere.

HollowTalk · 23/03/2020 23:22

I'd say they are classic signs, too. I'm really sorry, OP, but I'd be really watching him now.

Endeavour1971 · 23/03/2020 23:30

I would advise you to trust your instincts. If your gut is telling you something is wrong, it probably is. I'm so sorry you are having to deal with this, especially right now

Idontwantthis · 23/03/2020 23:42

Really sorry op

maddening · 23/03/2020 23:59

There must be a way to catch him out.

CassidyStone · 24/03/2020 02:40

Tell him you have the symptoms of a sexually transmitted infection (you may not, the bleeding could be due to a number of benign reasons) and gauge his reaction.

ZebrasAreHorsesInPyjamas · 24/03/2020 04:49

It took a long time to push an office chair over cobbles? Well that's inventive to say the least! You just pick it up and carry it to the car, they aren't that heavy. I don't know if he is cheating on you, but he's lying about something!

FlowerArranger · 24/03/2020 05:19

Put a voice activated recorder in his car.

MashedSpud · 24/03/2020 05:35

It sounds dodgy.

If it’s not an affair could it be drugs?

Inthepurplerain · 24/03/2020 06:12

Honesty is key from both sides.
You’ll just have to tell him that his behaviour is making you consider that he may be having an affair.
His reaction will speak a thousand words. Follow your gut.
Good luck

agonyauntie2020 · 24/03/2020 06:43

yes he is. so sorry.

FlowerArranger · 24/03/2020 09:33

I think if I'd made a remark like that he probably wouldn't have taken it very well, to be honest

So, on top of all the other signs that something is amiss, you are walking on eggshells. Yours doesn't sound like a healthy, loving relationship.

Can you post a more detailed description of what has been going on in the Relationship forum? You are likely to get more nuanced responses there.

bigyellowduck · 24/03/2020 10:16

My DHs phone is going non stop with friends and colleagues on whatsapp/text messages - people are lonely and lots of his teams live alone or just with 1 person. I woudln't take that as a sign.

aussieaussieaussieoioioi · 24/03/2020 10:56

Whether or not he's cheating op, he doesn't sound very nice. It doesn't sound like he speaks to you or treats you with much respect.

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