Can your standards for yourself change that much?

[eurekamoment]

I've had a possible eureka moment or else I am just in good spirits and have been reflecting.

When I met my now exh, I had a long string of miserable relationships, each with their own issues, for years before.
When I met him, he seemed like a decent , quiet ,kind bloke and until the stressors of family life came knocking, he was that man.

He adored me and I liked him very much. I grew to love him as a man but there was always a disconnect between us. He never' got ' me nor me him.I was never hugely attracted to him but we enjoyed a healthy sex life for some years. He became sexually pushy and sulky and kept asking me for sex knowing I was tired/ feeding/ post partum etc. I grew to resent him and became totally
Turned off him.
He disengaged with marriage family life. He became a selfish man child who thee his toys out of his pram When he wasn't being attended to.

SoEventually he met someone else and left. He blamed me but I never fed into his bullshit excuses.

A year down the line and lots of therapy later, I've come to realise that I may have been desperate to settle, happy to have met a nice kind person but in retrospect, there was never much chemistry between us in every way. I never settled intentionally. I went into the relationship full of hopes and dreams for a great future together.

I Am now at this juncture, and while I am
Not ready to Meet anyone new, my boundaries have completely changed. Or perhaps My deal breakers. They are worlds apart from my dealbreakers 17 years ago.

Am I being completely unrealistic here or do people actually completely change their boundaries/ standards in what they want out of a relationship , or are we conditioned to repeat old patterns ? Being so convinced I was happy back then worries me , as I clearly wasn't but just went along with it anyway.
Thanks for reading

Any thoughts appreciated please.

Anyone? I know that this isn't important in the greater scheme of things but I'm determined to make sure I don't rehash old patterns and become a doormat for a second time ... fool me once...et cetera. Thanks

Of course you can change and sounds like you have. Print out a copy of what you have put above and when you start a new relationship read over and remind yourself of your new standards

I think it is hard to change, but it is possible, with a bit of self-awareness. Try and pay attention to you thoughts and feelings, and try to notice when you fall back into old patterns of behaviour.

I agree you can change, I was in an abusive relationship for a long time, I'm now with a new partner and I was for a long time at the beginning bemused about his high standards and it took some adjusting on my part to realise these weren't actually'High' standards but just normal. I had been treated so badly for so long I had lost sight of what was expected in a normal healthy relationship. So yes you can change and learn and I think that's totally healthy or you'll keep repeating bad patterns.

Yes of course you can. We learn and change as we grow, mistakes teach us to change our behaviour. It is a good place to be, time to work on repairing your self esteem.

I don't think it's fair to look back and say you weren't happy. Just because things changed and the relationship didn't work out doesn't mean you were not genuinely happy at the time.

I wouldn't judge your ex too harshly either. You have admitted you never really loved him and weather you know it or not this would have showed over the years. You cant blame him for becoming bitter or unhappy. Its soul destroying to be in a relationship where you dont feel loved.

Can people change? Of course they can.

Im 36 now and a world away from the person I was 17yrs ago. TBH I would think it weird for a fully grown adult to still be the same person they were as a teenager/ young 20something. Life is all about growing and changing. Like you my deal breakers are totally different and what I want and am willing to accept in a relationship totally different.

Thanks for your replies.
I was happy for some time for sure. It was during and around babies and toddlerhood that life changed and our relationship changed. I couldn't give him the attention he wanted and he became dissatisfied with me and resentful of the busyness of life.
I did not say I didn't love him. I believe that I grew to love him and we were very happy for some years. I was being honest by wondering if I had settled for a lesser relationship that perhaps would have met both of our needs . Believe me, I put him first for years. In front of my needs and shamefully in front of kids needs at times. He was number one and he made sure he always got pole position in the family to everyone's detriment.I certainly take responsibility for that.

Yes we can definitely change; it’s hard and yes it’s easier to end up in bad habits but with time, maturity, therapy and self awareness (not all those are needed but generally at least one) then we can

Thanks. I really hope so.
My therapist has really worked on why I allowed myself
To put him before everyone else in the family. The answer is because he was so moody and sulked and I hated the atmosphere for the children's sake. He was very tough on them.. critical , shouting and negative.
She has been helping me to work on my boundaries in the future but I am so distrustful now, I hope I won't repeat the same mistakes.
Maybe I won't meet anyone but if I did, I was interested to know if it was a hard cycle to break