I’ve ruined my life sigh

[Blaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaahj]

Hi All , name changed.

So to summarise I think I’ve ruined my life. Had baby (not baby anymore) 3 years ago I seriously think in retrospect that I had and still have PND.

Basically had an affair and completely left child’s father set up new home with new man and I’ve come to learn the grass is not greener. New man is great with my child and she is already very attached to him. I dont think I want to get back with her real dad but I think I was way too hasty in leaving him and I feel massively guilty for ruining child’s life . I’m not making excuses as I know I was a complete arse hole but it’s really got to the point where I can see now I am not mentally stable and that’s why I did the affair and the leaving etc. I am often suicidal . New man I believe loves me but I don’t think he is all I believed he was going to be. How am I going to get out of this mess?

Leave new man and be on your own.

If you can.

Your dc’s father is not the answer. That life wouldnt have been a good one if you were unhappy.

You probably should be alone and of course make a telephone appointment wi tv b your gp

I would ask fo some real life counselling before you make any more major life decisions.

Thanks everyone .. noted x

I agree that you need to talk to someone before making any more hasty decisions. Best of luck!

Don't beat yourself up op. May be you did what you thought was best at that point in time. Parenting and life in general can he quite challenging at times. We all are venturing into uncharted territory and we need to look after ourselves and our loved ones. Don't take any hasty decisions especially now when you are not feeling stable. Have you spoken about your feelings to anyone in your RL? Or called samartian /gp? You can always talk to us if that makes you feel better op. Avoid taking decisions when you are sad or low. Try taking one day at a time and if that's too much may be just one tiny step towards looking after yourself and your daughter.

Thanks @aqua I haven’t spoken to anybody as I think people will be split between “I told you so” and the other half so shocked because I’ve been pretending to be happy. I’ll need to speak to a professional when all the covid stuff is over as I know for one thing if it wasn’t for my daughter I wouldn’t be here (and I don’t mean that in a dramatic I want sympathy way) it’s genuinely how I feel and it scares me x

Oh my love. I’m so sorry. Can you see if you can do any counselling sessions over the phone or video calls? I agree don’t make any decisions just yet until you don’t feel all flailing arms. We’re all here too. You haven’t ruined your child’s life. You’re clearly having a really difficult patch but you also know that and want to sort it xx

Thanks @user I think emotions are heightened at the moment which isn’t helping . I will try hard to look after myself and DD ,I know I need help and I will get it .really appreciate all the lovely comments xx

Do NOT make any more haste decisions before working on your mental health. Leaving him and going it alone with your 3yo at this point might just be the very thing that pushes you over the edge. It's easier said than done but stop ruminating on the past - what is done is done - what matters now is your mental and emotional health. You need to be healthy to therefore become a healthy mother.

I think you ae being too hard on yourself. You were obviously unhappy enough to leave your ex. Perhaps the issue is that you jumped into a new relationship too soon, before you had given yourself time to process the end of your last relationship.

OP didn't leave her ex she had an affair and broke up her family and now has a new man raising her ex's child and playing daddy.

You need to leave the relationship and stay single before you ruin anymore lives

Wow. Ever heard of empathy itwas.
Agree with others OP. Get some help.

I really feel for you. I am pretty sure I had undiagnosed PND and I look back on that time as being completely awful and I was so cut off from reality that I made loads of bad decisions. Definitely get some help to sort through it all and remind yourself that you haven't ruined your life - for you or your DD. You will get through this.

You haven’t ruined your life. Honestly, you haven’t. What will be will be. You did the best you could with the personal resources you had.

As you often have suicidal thoughts, I think I’d be seeking help sooner rather than later. Until surgeries were closed, you could self refer for counselling.... only a few sessions. Please call your Gp tomorrow. A person, who is ill with coronavirus is not more important than a person, who is regularly thinking about suicide.

I get it, I really do. I had suicidal thoughts recently. I have had a lot of therapy, which I paid for privately. Because of this, I could rationalise, self talk and pull myself out of it. You otoh have been having these thoughts for a protracted period. You really need help ASAP, not once the coronavirus crisis, which could go on for another year, is over.

Please stop beating yourself up. Would writing to your ex sending him a heartfelt apology help you or him? If it wouldn’t be graciously received, do consider still writing but not sending it. This will help to get these feelings out rather than festering inside and depressing you.

Don't rush into, or out of, anything at the moment.
Focus on getting through the next few months.
Write a diary, let it all out every day.

From someone who is suffering with postnatal depression, I would say go to your gp and try to access counselling before you make any more decisions.

@Blaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaahj definitely seek out counselling when you can. Time on your own is also very important as you can then really take to the time to figure out what you want and what makes you happy. It also makes you less likely to compromise on things which can mean it takes longer to meet someone, but when you do it’s much better (I was a single mum for 7 years). In the nicest possible way, your daughter will get over it if you split with current man, however you will not get better if you don’t. Best of luck!

Does your daughter see her father ?

@Blaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaahj, the step is to start looking after yourself.
You need counselling and ADs. Go and see your gp, esp as you are suicidal. Look at your diet, take up some exercise (at home). Take the time to get stronger before doing anything and taking any harsh decision.
This is NOT the time to LTB!!!

And because of everything that is going on atm, please make sure you look after your MH. Look for information about how to nurture your MH when you are self isolating. Fist of all, you need to get through the next few months.

OP lots of counsellors have recently gone online and are doing it via videoconferencing. If you can't have privacy at home for confidentiality you can use your smartphone and sit in the car/garden etc. Or even have telephone counselling. This is the perfect time when you have time to reflect.

As PPs have said it is worrying that you're having these suicidal thoughts. It sounds like your mental health issues caused your problems, the affair etc, rather than the other way around. You need to be able to forgive yourself for your sake and the sake of your child.

Psychology Today, BACP and counselling directory all have lists of counsellors. Some of them may be willing to take you on at a cheaper rate, at the moment particularly.

Don't do anything rash. At the moment you are depressed (you could well be right that it is PND, even after this length of time) and you can't think clearly. Whatever you did, you would probably end up full of regrets and misery.

As others have suggested, give yourself time, get some proper counselling when the covid-19 crisis is over, and only when you are able to think clearly, re-assess your life and do what is best for you and your child.

Take care.

Thank you to everybody for lovely comments and advice. Sat here sobbing , I think I genuinely thought everybody has suicidal thoughts sometimes but reading these responses hammers home that they are not normal . She does still see her real dad he’s great with her. I am luckily in a financial position to afford some private counselling (I think) so I am going to have a look today at some online sessions xx thanks again