Please help! I'll simplify as much as possible to keep this brief rather than to hide anything.
I had an abusive childhood and sadly went into an abusive marriage. I feel lucky to be alive after it. He used his wealth and influence to take custody of our child so we were cut off for eight years until she became actively suicidal and with the help of social services was reunited with me. She's been with me four years and we have a good enough relationship in the circumstances but it's not a normal mother daughter dynamic like I have with my older daughter.
My ex is a psychopath in the true sense of the word and has harmed her, physically and mentally. She was destroyed in his 'care' and is still under CAMHS now. In the last year he changed tack, I think with an eye on an upcoming CMS tribunal, and has played the good guy charming her with a pink car, money etc. It has felt like he wants to try to establish shared care. I do not believe this leopard changed his spots but teens want to see the best in their parents and my daughter has been so happy that she's been finally getting along with Dad.
Now along comes COVID-19 and I am high risk due to health problems. My daughter also has severe asthma. I have asked her to if not socially isolate then to be very conscious where hygiene is concerned and she has become abusive to me over it. I ended up in fear of her the anger was so out of proportion. I felt something else was going on and this was gaslighting. She told me to off and live in my bedroom. This isn't normal behaviour in recent years from her.
Today she insisted on going out with her father and others in a car to visit his [place of work - edited by MNHQ]. I expressed concern about the elevated risk. She returned home full of beans with the "Good news" that Dad was giving her a highly paid job as till supervisor at one of the centres as he has lost so many staff to the coronavirus measures. [identifying info removed by MNHQ] This will mean she is dealing with staff, public and cash. I tried a sensible conversation and she once again reacted with anger.
I am devastated. I am very alone because of the abuse I've experienced all my life. My daughters are my world and I am a good Mum. But can I go on playing russian roulette with my health or do I let her follow through on the repeated threat during these arguments that she'll just go live with Dad? If she does I can't see a way to bring her back when he reverts to form as know it would take months for benefits to resume and I exist financially day to day. Her leaving would break me mentally too - I'm already severely depressed.
Am I being unreasonable to ask her to consider the impact on me?