My marriage is over and I don't know what to do

[PixiePowered]

Not really an alibi but aibu to ask what I need to consider?

My marriage is over. We've struggled for a while and haven't even been married for a year.
We are different people, with different interests and different views on things. I was also tired of feeling under appreciated or supported in the home. I have a child from a previous relationship who has some emotional needs and DH (ex?) finds it too difficult. Their relationship has broken down and ex feels like there is no hope. He doesn't see a relationship or future with my child (under 10) because of his difficulties and he doesn't want one.

We have our own accounts, own savings and pay money in to a joint account for bills. House is co-owned. One child together. I am the higher earner.
He has said he'll move back to his parents and he will continue to pay half the mortgage and child maintenance. He'll move out over this week.

The joint account will remain open during this time for bills and I'll just put in the extra money needed.
We will transfer all the bills in to my name.
I should be able to remortgage on my salary to provide him his buy out and once that happens he will be removed from the joint account. I'll run three separate accounts - bills, daily spends, savings. Otherwise the house will be sold.

He works shifts. Contact will be sorted in line with this.

Do I need to consider anything else?

I can't face telling my parents but I'm going to need their support.

1. Tell your parents.
2. Get him out of the house. Now. Speaking as someone who has been through this. You don't want him under your roof. Especially at the moment.
3. Cry.
4. Cry some more.
5. Have a day or two wallowing.
6. Get bored of wallowing. Clean everything. Buy new bedding. Rearrange the furniture.

Well done. Really, really well done.

You say you don't know what to do, buy you have outlined a very clear plan where you know exactly what to do and why.

For a woman in a relationship breakdown you are in a very enviable position. Women with kids are usually the ones who get financially and practically shafted, but you are doing well.

All strength to you. You'll be fine.

As you move the bills into your name, move the Direct Debit to your personal account, rather than putting money in the joint account.

With a joint account, he can withdraw the money you pay in for bills, so look to separate this financial link as soon as you can.

Thank you everyone. I might have a plan but inside my whole being is spinning.
I was a single parent as a teen who lived at home. How on earth do I become a single parent to two children (who both have separate fathers and possible contact schedules) and maintain a home, career, life and sanity?

Bananapyjama I had thought about just keeping that account and removing his name from it and cutting up/cancelling his card.
I'd prefer to have a separate account for bills - x gets transferred in and then they're always paid for.

@PixiePowered you would have to check with your bank, I think some of them are a bit awkward about removing one individual from a joint account.

You can have more than one current account in just your name though though, if you like to keep bills separate, and then ex can transfer money into your 'bills' account.

Do not run your house through a joint account ex partner can access it and it might not stay amicable.
Move all Bill's etc to your account.

He hasn't done anything terrible, it just isn't working so this doesn't have to be awful and acrimonious. However, it is, sadly the case that what starts off civil can swiftly become less so so I agree you should separate everything out ASAP, just for clarity, to forestall any issues. It sounds like you're in a good position financially so you don't need to panic. The single parent thing is alright, you did it before, just be calm, clear and keep everything 'offivisl'. Is your first child's father OK, regular contact and maintenance?

I can't see it being an awful split if we're honest.
He is a good person who cares for his son. We are just very different and he finds a challenging child too challenging. I can't force something that isn't there.

Right now I don't feel sad or angry or hurt. I just don't know what to do. We can visit the bank in person, together, and have him removed from the account - this will cease his online access and his card can be destroyed/stopped.

Have you considered trying couples counselling? A year is an awfully short time to try with what you describe as a fundamentally good man. Has your older sons behaviour changed drastically in the last year? Are you tackling it? As friendly as it all might seem now it's very unlikely to stay that way when he finds a new partner/has more kids etc.

Blewbell been married less than a year and together 5. I think marriage was like sticking a small plaster on a broken bone and hoping for the best (or whatever the metaphor is).

He refuses counselling.

Child has been this way since day dot but it has become worse. 4 separate CAMHS referrals with full GP support have been declined.
Other people have also commented on their lack of relationship.

If he were to move on he moves on.
I've been through it once before, although not married, but I was younger and not as emotionally developed.