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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Fallen out with family member

47 replies

Mycoronausername · 20/03/2020 12:56

Sorry it is coronavirus related!

So my great grandparents (76 and 78) rang last week to say they are self isolating. I'll call them GM and GD to save confusion. Wise idea I thought as GM has had some heart issues in the past. Anyway it turns out this was complete bollocks. They have been out EVERY DAY this week to shops etc. My parents own a restaurant and they have been leaflet dropping. I'm beyond past losing my patience with them. They are risking themselves and other people including their own grandchildren. It's like they can't see that their actions have consequences. They still keep saying they are isolating and being cautious when they clearly aren't. An hour ago my GM walked past my house ( I live about half hour walk from them ) carrying a coffee and some form of takeaway so they have clearly been out again. She waved at me and I did not wave back, she then tried to come up my drive but I called out the window that she couldn't come in as we are self isolating (dh has had a cough so being cautious). She then rang and said I was being ridiculous and that she is isolating too and being safe. I've said I don't want to hear any more rubbish and hung up on her. Wibu?

My auntie has since rang me and said GM is upset ? I frankly couldn't give a monkeys arse and won't be apologising for her being unable to follow basic advice.

Disclaimer- I am a healthcare professional, my husband has lost his job and his own father is currently in hospital fighting coronavirus so it is an emotive topic.

OP posts:

GabsAlot · 20/03/2020 14:31

unless your parents ar doing takeaways they shouldnt be leafleting everyone to come to their restuarant-and getting their parents to do it aswell

GabsAlot · 20/03/2020 14:35

I'm prob going to fal out with my dsis soon-keeps gong to the gym went to the cafe today for somethng to eat-has aqsthma not bad i admit butwho knows how it affects anyone with it right now

doesnt understand the big hoo ha as she calls it as long as things are open shes going out

vdbfamily · 20/03/2020 14:45

unless they have symptoms they do not need to self isolate..... just social distancing
www.wired.co.uk/article/social-isolation-distancing-explained

christmastreewithhairyfairy · 20/03/2020 14:47

YANBU - I have got wound up with my parents and MIL for the same reason. "Oh yes we are isolating. Of course we still need to go shopping/let the decorators in/go to my classes/get a haircut"

My parents are getting it but very slowly (and will never admit they were wrong in the first place) but MIL suddenly changed her tune when DH basically put the fear of god into her. But it's interesting the way she explained it was that she had to overcome her initial reaction which was "the way we will beat this thing is keep calm and carry on", ie not changing her life at all. She now realises that's not remotely the case, but it could explain why many older people are refusing to do what what we see as obviously necessary

Escapetab · 20/03/2020 14:49

It is ok to go for walks, but getting takeout coffee isn't just walking! Reckon people are going to have to use their judgement too - round here loads of people could walk without banging into each other. In an urban area that's not going to be as true.

Bakedbrie · 20/03/2020 14:49

Sadly I don’t think the penny will actually drop with some stubborn minds until someone special or close to them passes away, then they will change. This is what’s happened in Italy.

christmastreewithhairyfairy · 20/03/2020 14:50

Vbdfamily, the link you sent states:
For more vulnerable people, such as those over 70-years-old or with underlying health conditions, the government has advised more stringent social distancing measures. This isn’t called self-isolating as it is for an indefinite period of time, though they have been advised to avoid all face-to-face contact.

It may be called a different name but it amounts to the same thing, as is more than just normal social distancing!!

Escapetab · 20/03/2020 14:50

*"the way we will beat this thing is keep calm and carry on", ie not changing her life at all. She now realises that's not remotely the case, but it could explain why many older people are refusing to do what what we see as obviously necessary8

Think this is really true. It seems to be embedded in the national psyche to an unfortunate extent.

Astrabees · 20/03/2020 14:53

I have friends who are very early 70's they both work and have risk assessed their situations and feel that they do not want to restrict themselves, so are being cautious but not self isolating, one in particular needs to meet other people in connection with his work. Whilst I don't disagree entirely with the posts above I do think that people should accept that their relations in their 70's are capable of making their own decisions, and that it is entirely up to them. I'm younger but if my sons started to lay the law down about what I could and couldn't do they would get short shrift.

If we are not careful the sort of santimonious attitude I'm seeing on Facebook at the moment could backfire. There was a lovely picture of some ladies putting food boxes together in a farm shop where someone had chastised them for being too close together. The local riding stables got a lot of flack for still being open despite approved precautions being taken.
This weekend I'm feeling a strong urge to go out for a pint and a pub lunch, or a curry or to buy some new clothes. I probably won't but the trigger might well be someone telling me I should not.

JudyCoolibar · 20/03/2020 14:53

She then rang and said I was being ridiculous and that she is isolating too and being safe. I've said I don't want to hear any more rubbish and hung up on her. Wibu?

Given that she doesn't seem to understand what self-isolating means, wouldn't it have been more constructive to explain that (a) it should mean that she doesn't go out buying takeaway coffee as she could catch C19 whilst out and about or in the coffee shop, or indeed from the cup itself; and (b) it should definitely mean that she doesn't come into the house of someone like yourself which contains a possible C19 sufferer - and that all of this is for her own benefit?

Orangeblossom78 · 20/03/2020 14:53

They seem to see it as trying to take their independence away.

Orangeblossom78 · 20/03/2020 14:54

I'm dreading this weekend and PIL being upset at not seeing the DC over mother's day etc, they don't get it and DH is saying 'it is their decision'

Dubdubdubtub · 20/03/2020 14:56

Walked past the hairdresser before and it full of old people getting their hair done.

BuildTheBobber · 20/03/2020 14:59

*Great grandparents and they’re only 76/78?

Sorry I know that’s not the point of the thread but what age are you??*

My GM became a great grandparent at the age of 71. She was 27 when DM was born, DM had me at 19, I had DS1 at 26. I know my DM was young to have me, but early 70s doesn't seem that young to become a great grandparent to me.

Foxyloxy1plus1 · 20/03/2020 14:59

I have asthma, depression and anxiety. I have stopped going to all my exercise classes, which are important for keeping my mental and physical health. We have been out for walks, but not near anyone. I had a hair appointment next week, which I have cancelled and am about to cancel the dental hygienist next month.

Family are not nearby, but we can keep in touch. If we can’t get a supermarket delivery, we’ll have to beg someone to get some things to leave on the doorstep.

The impact of this on mental health will be huge and I fear for my sanity, but there is no choice.

BuildTheBobber · 20/03/2020 15:01

oh wait, missed they were op's GGP. as you were

christmastreewithhairyfairy · 20/03/2020 15:02

but early 70s doesn't seem that young to become a great grandparent to me

But they are great grandparents to the OP who is 20!

christmastreewithhairyfairy · 20/03/2020 15:02

Agh, derailing not detailing!

Disfordarkchocolate · 20/03/2020 15:07

I had to shop today. I can't stay home as my husband has to (he's more at risk than me). The town was full of old people. I was baffled. Especially by the woman who stopped to chat with a friend and tell her 'I think I have it'. WTF!

RedLentilYellowLentil · 20/03/2020 15:20

People seem to think self-isolation means cutting out all the things they feel obliged to do ordinarily (school, work, etc) but continuing with things that only involve people they know and like (lunch with friends, the gym, etc). My sister is the same and she's a frontline HCP so you would think she'd know better. She's just texted to complain that her friend has cancelled lunch because she's so 'anxious'. I told her her friend was being sensible and that she's being irresponsible. So you're not the only one who's about to fall out with a family member. It's bizarre. I don't understand it at all.

TryingToBeBold · 20/03/2020 15:20

What concerns you more? The fact they may pass on the virus or catch it?

If it's the latter then.. surely if they have read the news, read the risks, know the consequences of what may happen if they catch it, and still wish to go out.. then that's their choice?
Lockdown hasn't happened yet, and if they know all of above then surely that's their right? To still go out. Who are we to tell them otherwise?

If it's the former then that should be everyone's concern (unknowingly or knowingly passing it on).

AcrossthePond55 · 20/03/2020 15:23

The 'problem' is that lockdown still won't stop them.

I'm on 'lockdown' (California), but we are still permitted to go food shopping, medical treatments, get a takeaway and take a walk (observing social distancing). So 'technically' what your GM was doing falls within the parameters, at least the ones set here.

You are totally justified in not letting her in for a visit and I would NOT be apologizing for that. But was it really necessary to become angry, tell her she was talking 'rubbish', and then hanging up on her? Maybe apologize for the 'method', but not the 'message'.

This is going to be a difficult time for all of us. Sometimes the best we can do is try to maintain a level of civility, even through our frustration.

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