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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Adult step children birthday presents

20 replies

Rhinosaurus · 20/03/2020 07:37

Something completely shallow and irrelevant in today’s climate, but something that’s mildly irritated me for a while....

I have an adult son (early 20s), I am also a resident stepmother to my partners teenager for four years. I do a lot both caring and financially for my DSD - pay for haircuts, take to health appointments, buy girlie things, treats etc that he wouldn’t think of. At birthdays, rightly or wrongly he buys her a present (usually around £100), and I also buy her a present separately from me which consists of a larger value item like jewellery/shoes/clothing she wants and little things like make up, sweets, hair/shower/bath stuff, little luxury things etc.

When it comes to my son’s birthday and at Christmas my partner doesn’t buy him anything. My son doesn’t live at home, but even when he did the most he would get would be a Lynx gift set. Obviously I won’t be stopping what I do for my DSD, and when I’ve raised it DP has said he is an adult and shouldn’t expect a present.

Am I being unreasonable to feel peeved, and a bit hurt about this? Or is he right, and adult children shouldn’t expect presents?

OP posts:

Convict225 · 20/03/2020 07:55

Does your adult son buy his SD a birthday present?
If not, then YABU

EmeraldShamrock · 20/03/2020 08:02

Yanbu. He could make an effort, it is the thought that counts, effort speaks volumes.
I still give adult siblings a gift vice versa, your DP may not? Some people think 18 is the cut off for an Adult DC birthday present.

Zilla1 · 20/03/2020 08:14

Every adult DC I know get a present that is more than a token from their DF/DM. I think YANBU. If you are willing to do so, you might need to say more firmly this is more important to you and you expect him to front up with a significant present from him to your DS. If he refuses then you can say you think it is because of the step-relationship rather than your DS' age which you will not forget when your SDD is an adult and which you will bear in mind given your SDD is also a step-child to you. You can ask him to confirm that he doesn't intend to give his DD anything when she turns 16/18. If he stands firm then if you don't have shared finances then ask him to pay you for the lovely gifts you give your SDD and use this on principle to buy an extra present for your DS.

weasellywecognised · 20/03/2020 08:24

You are a lovely step mum and I hope you are appreciated by DSD. Your DP will never get this but I can totally see why you are peeved and a bit hurt by this.

Original poster

Rhinosaurus · 20/03/2020 08:35

@Zilla1

You see, I wouldn’t want to do that as it is not DSDs fault, and I try to buy her all the little girlie things that her dad wouldn’t even think about.

@Convict225
You have a point there, although my son was still in education the first couple of years and had little money. I always thought that it’s not the money, it’s the principle - although I say that but found a £5 lynx set a bit mean, so maybe it is about the money.

OP posts:

ChuckleBuckles · 20/03/2020 08:54

Is your DP considerate of your son in other ways OP? Is he they type to drive to the other end of the country in an emergency to collect him, help him with stuff at his home, or whatever? If not and your DS is treated as an unwanted appendage of your then I would be rethinking my DP. It seems he is fine with you using your time, money and emotional energy on his DD but will not reciprocate for your DS.

annamie · 20/03/2020 09:01

You are letting him treat your son differently which is unacceptable.

Tell him that if he won’t acknowledge your son’s birthday then you will leave him to sort DSD from now on. Don’t be a doormat.

Zilla1 · 20/03/2020 09:02

Hi Rhino, I can see you wouldn't want to deprive your DSD. I've probably written badly but wasn't suggesting you stop the gifts you give, rather ask your DP to pay you if you don't share finances and give extra to your DS. This might make an unimaginative chap think a little. If not, I don't think you should stop as it's not your DSD's fault and I can se you want to have a good relationship with her, as well as treat her.

Good luck.

Original poster

Rhinosaurus · 20/03/2020 09:11

@ChuckleBuckles
He is considerate in other ways, and helped him get a job, gave him lifts to work etc.

@annamie
I don’t think it is malicious, more thoughtless, as he hasn’t seen my son grow up from a young age only knowing him since later teens he doesn’t see him as a child like I do.

OP posts:

lowlandLucky · 20/03/2020 09:13

Does your DH agree that once your DSD leaves school there will be no more presents ? I think you are both spoiling your DSD, she must end up with over £200 worth of presents just from the pair of you for her birthday.

annamie · 20/03/2020 09:15

Agreed that she’s getting too much when your son is getting nothing from your partner. The way he said ‘your son shouldn’t be expecting anything’ sounds quite malicious to me. He should want to acknowledge your son’s birthday given now much you do for his Dd. Not seeing your son grow uo is irrelevant, your son is a part of your family.

Original poster

Rhinosaurus · 20/03/2020 09:20

My sons birthday is next month and DSDs is in June so now is the time to address it, but it seems trivial with what is happening currently.

Yes I do spend about £100 on her, is that spoilt? She doesn’t really have anything else other than essentials between birthdays and Christmas.

OP posts:

Zilla1 · 20/03/2020 14:31

OP, as you ask about spoilt, to me being spoilt doesn't relate to what someone is given, rather how they behave. Someone can be spoilt if they feel entitled and are rude and ungrateful after receiving £20 of presents and not spoiled if grateful and use/play (depending on age) with the gift if they receive £1000s (within reason).

HillAreas · 20/03/2020 14:38

A Lynx set is the passive aggressive “fuck you” of present giving.
YANBU.

Original poster

Rhinosaurus · 20/03/2020 15:13

@Zilla1
She always appreciates her gifts, and hardly ever asks for anything, she usually wants branded things for her birthday- trainers, hoody etc as she doesn’t usually have those. I don’t mind getting her what I do as she likes having all the little things to open, I wouldn’t expect DP to do that for my son as it wouldn’t occur to him, but even money in a card would be appreciated.

OP posts:

Zilla1 · 20/03/2020 18:05

That sound lovely, OP, and not spoilt at all.

HollowTalk · 20/03/2020 18:13

I think the only way is for you to both spend the same on each other's children.

FlashingLights101 · 20/03/2020 20:44

To be honest, I'm surprised you buy separate gifts from the 2 of you... If have been in your respective children's lives for 4 years, I would just do joint gifts from the both of you for all of your children of a similar value.

I actually find buying gifts from each parent a bit strange (I don't mean that to sound unkind) especially as you are, by now, a unit.

Original poster

Rhinosaurus · 20/03/2020 20:53

@FlashingLights101
I think it started off from when we first met and weren’t living together. I think DP has always seen my son as another adult and not a child IYSWIM.

OP posts:

Vulpine · 20/03/2020 22:01

It annoys me that I buy gifts to my mil from me, don't think my dh has ever done that for my mum. Yanbu

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