To ask how you manage cold sores and genital herpes on a relationship?

[BettyBo33]

New boyfriend has disclosed that he sometimes gets cold sores and that many years ago he contracted genital herpes but since the initial outbreak he hasn’t shown symptoms since. I wanted to hear from others who are in a relationship about how you manage this? Does this mean no unprotected sex or oral sex ever again? Is it as simple as abstaining if and when visible symptoms are present? But what about when there are no symptoms? What it the rate of possible infection then?

It’s knocked me a bit tbh. I understand it’s very common and many people and relationships deal with the virus (both types) but I can’t help wondering where do we go from here? I like him a lot so I’m a bit bummed about it all.

DP gets cold sores, typically when stressed or unwell. She just puts a patch on it and things carry on as usual, it's no big deal really.

MuseumDad do you abstain from kissing and oral whilst she has a cold sore? Don’t feel you have to answer!

I used to get cold sores so I just didn't kiss my DH when I got a flare up. Not sure how often your new partner gets a flare but he could get aciclovir tablets prescribed from his GP to both treat and prevent outbreaks. I started this years ago and went from cold sores every month to never at all.

no kissing or oral for the 4-5 days that they're there.

My friend has genital herpes she said that they can be transmitted when they are not visible and they are still transmitted when useing a condom. I probs wouldn’t be in a relationship with some one with an incurable std myself

For oral sex:

Condoms for him
Dental dam for you

Is he on daily suppressive medication? In addition to barriers like condoms, that is one way of reducing the chance of transmission to you.

And would you want to engage sexually with open sores on the lips or genitals?

Read as much as you can to educate yourself and make sure that he is doing all he can to not pass it on to you.

I wouldn't be with him

Have a look for a recently previous thread on this - from a couple of weeks ago. Had lots of more useful info than some of the shite on this thread, including from a couple of women who are carriers.

That wasn't the question though was it?

That was to Leaannb

www.nhs.uk/conditions/genital-herpes/

@BettyBo33 we've not consciously abstained from oral, though I can't remember it happening while she's wearing a patch. But we certainly don't abstain from kissing.

I get cold sores. Have done since i was a child.

I’ve never really thought about it in terms of sex or relationship- i follow the usual handwashing and no contact if i have a cold sore, but other than that don’t do much.

Never transmitted it to a partner in 30 years.

I get them and whenever I do I do not kiss / oral sex with partner it is high risk to pass on. By avoiding contact when I have one I’ve never passed one on before , it’s not really a big deal just got to be careful

I get cold sores. Zero kissing or oral when i have one. No one as ever caught them from me.

I was ‘gifted’ genital herpes years ago and dp has oral herpes.

I have had 2 flare ups, ever and have abstained from any sex from the moment I have any kind of inking that one is coming til I’m absolutely sure that it’s over/was a false alarm.

With DPs cold sores, we avoid kissing if he can feel one coming and I just kiss him on the cheek instead.

In 9 years there’s been no signs that we’ve passed it onto each other so hopefully our methods work!

I know that there are medications to suppress it however as I get so few flare ups I have never been offered it unless pregnant.

Please don’t judge this person. I contracted herpes aged 18 from an absolute bastard of a boyfriend who didn’t tell me and didn’t protect me. Well done your fella for telling you - it shows he is an honourable partner and will engage with people romantically only on an open basis. I did the same and it certainly separates the wheat from the chaff. Most people were fine, and those that weren’t I Am pretty glad In retrospect that they self selected!

Yes theoretically you can shed virus asymptomatically but the risk is very small and is there for cold sores the same as genital herpes. However, I never have Passed anything on to any of my partners. I am absolutely Meticulous about it even 30 years on, any slight tingle or itch and I’m sexually quarantined until I know it’s either just an normal itch (common!) or developed and passed. It’s easy to be safe and manage it.

I Take acyclovir to treat and if taken early enough it can stop an outbreak before it arises. I also take it prohylacticlly sometimes if I’m run down. In my relationships I have always taken a prophylactic course of acyclovir to reassure my new partner that the risk is even more minute.

I have always had a full sex life. Sex with condoms until I was married, then we were happily no contraception and no issues after he got the snip. i know my body enough to know when I’m safe and have never passed anything on in 30 years of an active sex life. We have two kids. No issues there either.

I was always open and I think your new guy should be respected for being honest and open. Don’t judge him for the unfortunate position he finds himself in. It took guts to tell you. If You like him, go with it. You Don’t have to have sex until you are happy and you’ve asked all the questions you need To Reassure you. It might seem unsexy but my god this conVersation makes you bond early if things are right. Try it. He is not defined by having an STD. If you like him, enough you can see right past it. Give him a chance. Who knows, he might be your future husband.

Cold sores are so common, most people have this virus even if asymptomatic. No kissing or oral when they are showing or when someone has 'the tingle'. That's all you need to do.

Genital herpes--best to use condoms but you don't need to abstain from oral sex if he hasn't had a flare up for years. But both of you decide what feels the most comfortable.

I used to date a guy with genital herpes, so talking from that experience. I never caught it from him and it was a 4 year relationship.

It's good he told you and you are communicating about it and that you arent judging or overreacting. These things happen, herpes is a git but not the end of the world, it can easily be managed between you both x

I used to get terrible cold sore sores. Since I've used aloe vera vaseline lip balm, a few times a day, not had a single one. Really recommend it.

No kissing or oral and general hygiene during my cold sore outbreaks. I transmitted to my partner during a bad outbreak so it’s possible!