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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To be upset on my birthday

13 replies

Worriedmum97 · 18/03/2020 14:10

I know there are so many people in much worse position than me, but I just can’t help but being so upset and thinking that’s one of my worst birthdays. Husband asked ages ago if there was anything I want for my birthday, I said no, I have everything I need or can buy things myself, just flowers would be fine. My youngest (4yo) wanted to make a cake for my birthday so I mentioned that to my husband a couple of times asking him to organise it (guess he forgot about it).

So this morning kids went to school without even giving me a card or saying happy birthday. They are 8 and 4 and would have probably done something with a bit of a reminder from my husband, but not this time I guess.

My mum who lives abroad send a text saying happy birthday and asking if that’s ok for my dad to send me a big sum of money (quite big for them, you can buy a nice flat with that amount where they live and it’s an equivalent of at least 2 years of my retired and still working dad’s salary. But for me it’s my 1month salary here). I said I’m not taking any money from them. They’ve always been quite poor financially, but worked very hard and tried to save as much as possible with a view of giving me and my brother as much as possible when we become adults. So they are the sort of people who would save for their kids all their lives by sacrificing their own and kids immediate needs (like family time, emotions, education, food, clothes). They have never spent time with me, would just work 24/7, never talked to me much, never knew what I waned or who I am although we were not that bad financially from what I can tell now, it was just the way they prioritised things. We had no family trips, not even walks to parks although we lived next to a forest. I have never even dared to ask them for something as they would always argue with each other about the lack of money and I would feel so sorry for them. As an example I always wanted to do dance classes as a child and when our teacher organised some dance classes after school I didn’t even dare to ask my parents to pay for these as I felt that was inappropriate given how little money we had (mum can’t even buy shoes for herself based on the arguments she was having with dad, how can I ask to pay for dance classes). So the little girl inside me just cries and screams that’s it’s too late for these money, I needed them as a child, I didn’t need them to invest money into properties, cars, etc, I needed their time, attention, money there and then, but my childhood is lost, I grew up into a very self conscious adult who finds it difficult to express emotions, understand what I want and ask others for it.

AIBU or is it just hormonal (I’m 38+5 weeks pregnant).

OP posts:
Northernparent68 · 18/03/2020 14:15

There’s a lot to unpack but I think counselling might help.

juicylemon · 18/03/2020 14:18

Happy Birthday 💐

Lllot5 · 18/03/2020 14:19

Not sure this is about your birthday op. I echo pp and suggest counselling to try to unpick your childhood. Sounds like they were trying to do their best though.

PawPawNoodle · 18/03/2020 14:20

Your husband is probably preoccupied given the fact that we're on the precipice of a full-scale lockdown due to coronavirus, and forgot to risk his own and his family's health further by going to the shop for presents for you.

You need counselling for the rest of your post, however I am very interested to know where in the world you can buy a flat for a UK monthly wage (that is unless you earn £50k a month)

Lippy1234 · 18/03/2020 14:22

Sounds like hormones to me.
You said to your DH you didn’t want a present, your parents try and give you a present (cash) and you don’t want it. I think nobody will get it right.

Worriedmum97 · 18/03/2020 14:23

Forgot to say husband didn’t buy flowers saying he went to our local Waitrose and it was full of people, so he decided to turn round and not mix with crowds. Fair enough, but there are 10 florist shops 5 min drive away from us, all open as usual

OP posts:
Worriedmum97 · 18/03/2020 14:31

@PolPotNoodle in further towards central/eastern Russia (not Moscow) you can buy even a county house for about £8-15k, especially with the current exchange rate. There are no jobs there though.

OP posts:
Dishwashersaurous · 18/03/2020 14:35

These are unprecedented times.

You are very pregnant and inevitably emotionally charged at the best of times.

On this particular one you need to let it go, and maybe ask your husband to get the kids to make cards after school.

Long term some counselling to allow you to process feelings towards your parents would be helpful

lifeisgoodmostofthetime · 18/03/2020 14:36

Maybe try to learn from your childhood and give your children the best childhood possible and live it with them. Do the silly things with them and let loose. You can't change the past or your feelings but you can forgive, accept, understand and move forward. Your parents had their reasons like you said but I'm not convinced they would think any differently or see your side if you told them. Happy Birthday

LovePoppy · 18/03/2020 14:39

I understand your disappointment

Happy birthday

Cheeseandwin5 · 18/03/2020 14:45

I am not sure what your problem is, but I do agree counseling will help.
You told your DH you didn't want anything, just a token item- flowers.
No one could have predicted the situation in the country and shops and whilst I understand you hoped he would have thought about it more (and earlier) I guess sometimes circumstances happen and as long as its a one off I would let it slide.
As for your parents, I think everyone has some complaints about their parents. Yours didn't spend quality time with you, but they weren't wasting it partying. They were working, saving and foregoing there own pleasures so they could give you financial safety.
Could they have done things differently. YES
Could they have know that you would have preferred they had acted differently No
Have they spent their lives trying to make you and your siblings lives better Yes
Parenthood is difficult, how we bring our kids up will not always be correct or at least seen as correct by the DC, but you just have to do what you think is best.

Lanurk · 18/03/2020 15:21

Happy birthday op! It’s my birthday too. The government have given me my 6 year old home until after the summer holidays so I’m not convinced I’m winning either but at least it’ll be memorable I guess.

It’s a shame the kids didn’t wish you a happy birthday-my 2 were literally jumping over me at 6 because they were excited. Do they usually get excited/make a fuss for others birthdays?

Sickandscared · 18/03/2020 16:08

Big hugs to you op. You sound very overwhelmed. I am not surprised given what's going on around you and your advanced pregnancy.

Take some deep breaths and tell your husband what you need - maybe a few hours to yourself for a bath and book. He was right to avoid the crowds getting flowers. These are scary times.

The stuff with your parents is much more complicated and I suspect it's all coming up now because of how stressed out you are. Can you put it 'on pause' in your head and make a decision you will get some counselling to figure it all out at a later date?

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