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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Daughter not getting anything from her dad on her birthday

18 replies

Lol1974 · 17/03/2020 22:57

Me and my ex split a while ago and have a little girl together. He lives quite far away for work. He has not done anything for our daughter and doesnt pay any CSA. He asked about her daily but that is it. Recently it has been her first birthday and she has not received anything from him and I am getting abit fed up, I spoke to him and he said hes skint despite earning more that week than I do in a whole month. So I basically told him it's not good enough and to do one out of anger and now starting to feel like I've been a little too harsh.
It's not the money I'm bothered about but the principle. I do everything for her and have dont have much any family support and am very much on my own. If I can make an effort why cant he?
Do you think I've been unreasonable ? And has anyone been in a similar situation?
Thanks🙂

OP posts:
turnedabout · 17/03/2020 23:00

To not buy your own child a card or gift on their first birthday is a terrible way to treat a child. this person is not behaving the way a parent should. Unforgivable. Poor wee baby.

SuburbanFraggle · 17/03/2020 23:03

Looks like he's joining the millions of deadbeat dad out there.

Palavah · 17/03/2020 23:03

Why doesn't he pay any maintenance? Have you made a claim?

Unfortunately you can't force him to care or to have a relationship with her.

Embracelife · 17/03/2020 23:05

At one she neither notices nor cares. Best get used to it.
Make a claim for maintenance.

Ozziewozzie · 17/03/2020 23:06

Asking about her through you is just a way of dealing with his guilt. He should be paying maintenance and he of course should be sending a card and pressie if he’s wanting to be a part of her life.
I completely understand your reaction. You’re just wanting to protect your dd. Contact CMS and tell her dad, your dd needs her Father and you can’t be responsible for letting her know of his existence as she grows up whilst he plays the invisible man. How far away does he live exactly. Some Dads move heaven and earth to see snd provide for their children.

Lol1974 · 17/03/2020 23:06

He works cash in hand so I don't think I stand a chance. It's just difficult because he says he loves her and wants to be a good dad but his actions prove otherwise. I just feel guilty because I want her to have a dad in her life but she deserves more than pathetic excuses

OP posts:
AmberAndAlexsMum · 17/03/2020 23:07

When I split from my ex, some 25 years ago, at first we just had an arrangement between us that he paid maintenance to me for our 18 month daughter.

Then when winter came around she needed a new winter coat, and I was living on benefits, so I asked him to send some money for a coat for her. Which he promised to do.

Of course, the money didn't arrive, so I contacted him again, three weeks later, and his excuse was he didn't have the money as he had to have his home redecorated !!! As you can imagine I was furious, his daughter's wellbeing should have come before painting his bloody living room. So I contacted the CSA and got them to sort out the maintenance. He ended up having to pay five times more than we had agreed and the CSA took it straight from his wages.

He complained how hard up he was and I admit to taking great pains to point out that had he just sent the 20 quid for her coat, as he had promised, he would not be in that position.

So you are not being unreasonable and I would get CSA involved and tell him you are doing so. If he can't be arsed to look after his own child, then he'll have to be made to do so.

Useless Twat !!!

Good luck, Sweetie, you sound like an awesome mum.

Ozziewozzie · 17/03/2020 23:18

Surely he pays tax though so inland revenue will have his income if he’s unwilling to provide it. All you need to do is inform CMS of the company he either owns or works for. If he’s not paying his tax he’s being a naughty boy and will get prosecuted for that. Nobody enjoys paying tax but it’s obvious why it’s necessary. Especially now, more than ever

whereishappyat · 17/03/2020 23:23

I feel for you I really do, I know your child is young and doesn't understand but you do and you want the best for them! Me and my ex split when baby was only 2, he has seen dc as and when it suits him for the past 7yrs. Last year my dc came home after his birthday visit to his dad and when I asked what he had got for his bday he told me "daddy couldn't buy me anything as he has already spent all his wage but next month he will give me £20". I just thought you absolute wank stain. You have known for the past 9 years what date dc bday is I don't care if you have to save £1 a week just do it! Some men don't deserve to be fathers. Your doing enough for your child and one day they will know and love you more for it.

Ozziewozzie · 17/03/2020 23:23

Don’t feel bad. There are plenty of decent men out there who would be excellent role models and father figures for your dd. He needs to either be a dad or bugger off. So many kids have crap parents who just pop in and out when they have nothing else going on and don’t grasp the concept of providing for their child.
If you decided to keep all your income to yourself and not buy your dd clothes, or any food, social services would remove her from your care. I can’t understand why the same doesn’t happen to parents who don’t financially support their children. They should lose their rights completely.

Lynda07 · 17/03/2020 23:59

You're not unreasonable at all. Even if he doesn't earn much he could send you a little bit and certainly should have sent her a card and something for her first birthday. Even people on the dole do that much! I'm not surprised you're hurt, anyone would be.

When he rings again please say all that to him in a calm way and it may penetrate his thick skull.

recklessruby · 18/03/2020 00:44

Sorry OP but you might have to get used to it. It was my dd s 26th birthday today. Not even a card from her dad or wish on fb. Same as the last 20 years.
She knows she s loved by a lot of good people and thats enough.
I m sure your dd will appreciate her mummy so much as she grows up Flowers

katmandoo · 18/03/2020 01:27

If he is working cash in hand report him to HMRC

parababe · 18/03/2020 07:55

If you have split from him 'a while ago' and he obviously is not providing anything for his daughter..... why is he getting 'daily' updates....? You say he asks about her daily, but why are you talking to him daily....? If he wants to have a relationship with his daughter then he needs to behave/act like he does i.e making some effort with CM etc. Stop pandering to him and stop giving him daily updates. Your daughter is only one, she will not realise yet that 'Daddy' didn't send a card/present, but if you don't get this under control she will realise it after a few years.

Bbang · 18/03/2020 07:59

Reporting him for tax avoidance won’t do a thing, I’ve reported my sons dad for 9 years straight.

Still nothing has been done and still no maintenance.

ThatsWotSheSaid · 18/03/2020 08:01

If he was a fantastic Dad in all ways but this then maybe he just didn’t get it because she’s so young and thought present didn’t matter to her. But I have a feeling this is just one thing of many.

JiltedJohnsJulie · 18/03/2020 08:04

I agree with stopping the daily updates. I think that you need to be clear with him that he should be seeing her and paying.

FrankieManca · 18/03/2020 08:19

I would ask him to write you a list of what makes a good Dad.
Then tell him what you think makes a good Dad.
Tell him what his Dd needs of him. ‘Daily updates’ are no use to his Dd. Regular loving contact would be better.

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