Adult son has several issues

[sadmumbecauseofson]

Name changed for this.

He's 26 lives alone. Has aspergers, has previously been addicted to smoking weed very heavily, has stopped but not has a coke habit and drinks heavily, subsequently has schizoaffective disorder.

I'm at my wits end, I can't deal with his constant criticism and abuse towards me.

I'm thinking NC is the only way forward and I've tried it before but after two weeks I weaken because I'm wracked with guilt that if he dies I didn't do enough.

Any advice from someone who has been either in my situation or my sons will be greatly appreciated. Thank you.

I’m so sorry for your situation. Hugs to you sadmum.

I’ve no advice per se as my DS is only 3 but I can empathise as he is currently waiting on assessments for autism.

Are Adult Services or Social Services involved in any way?

@coffeeandpyjamas yes he has a social worker and mental health support worker too.

Get onto your local council's adult safeguarding lead and ask for a carer's assessment and a capability assessment. Tell them you can no longer cope with being responsible for him, that he is vulnerable, and that he needs support.
They are legally required to assess his needs.
You might also contact a local care provider or two, if they get any hours of support he is awarded, they make money, so they will often help you with the assessment process and getting a care package in place.
There is help available but you will have to fight for it, funding is limited and the "squeaky wheel gets the oil" as they say.
It will be hard, but to get what he and you need, you have to go through the system.

Do you have any support for yourself?

X posted. With a mental health and social worker already in place, it should be easier to get some support hours for general care - shopping, cleaning, personal care etc. Ask about an appointee for his finances too.

Do you think he is a bad and evil man, or an ill one? He sounds very sick to me. You didn't cause his illness, and tou cannot cure it. Don't feel guilty. Don't let his illness drag you down too. Go no contact.

You could be writing about my brother. Same diagnosis. Please PM me if you'd like to chat

Would contacting the police about his drug use help?

Thanks everyone for your responses.

I've had a carers assessment. We live 10 miles apart but in two different counties so that comes with its own complications! There's really no support for me except going to groups which I've done before and can't face again. I don't want to sit and talk about him for an hour once a month!

I'll ask again about support for him for cleaning and shopping, especially as he's lonely and this social interaction might help. I'll also ask about a capability assessment for him.

I am his appointee where DWP are concerned. He manages his finances, isn't in debt and his bills are paid.

He's not bad or evil, he's a very damaged man who has suffered trauma in his life which is a major contributor to his illness.

As for contacting the police, I could but I'm not sure what they could do?

I have little support except family which comes with its own set of problems as we are all affected and downtrodden with him.

@Tillygetsit I'm not sure how to PM, can you PM me first?

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Could you find an Alcoholics Anonymous family support group near you. They also have similar for families of drug users. At the moment, of course there may be no meetings but their websites should have helpful links.

If you can’t go NC then very low contact May be the way to go. If he’s constantly unpleasant to you then perhaps you just aren’t the best person to help him? Although I suspect you are the only family member has?

I would keep most communication to text and factual rather than emotional. And allow yourself a set amount of time to think about him/ deal with him and keep to these boundaries.

Instead of no contact just distance yourself a bit and explain to him via a phone call or text that he’s upset you and you are going to give him some space and you will be back in contact in a couple of days.
Are his support workers aware of his behaviour towards you? Are they offering him regular support? Do they keep you up to date? Maybe you could have a conversation with him about what he would you like you to help him with and how he would like your relationship to be? Make sure you are seeing friends or family to get some comfort and support from them.

Support the Al Anon group.

You will get a lot of non judgmental acceptance and a lot of gentle learning how to self care and set boundaries.

As I heard an addiction specialist therapist say to one of their clients:

"and what eventually happens [on the path you are on] is that you get abandoned by your family and friends, because that is what people are right to do when they are continually being abused, ISN'T IT, Addict?'

Brilliant therapist. Didn't take any shit and called people on theirs WHILST being kind and empathetic.

Hi @sadmumbecauseofson I have schizoaffective disorder but not addiction problems, I take anti psychotics & anti depressants for the disorder but still get some breakthrough psychosis symptoms when tired & stressed such as paranoia & hallucinations so I can only work part time.

I do struggle with motivation but I think that's called a negative symptom? To the point where it takes me hours to start doing something like have a shower.
I find work is good for me as I have to be ready by a set time, I have to care for others in my job so I need to look after myself in order to do that.

But it sounds like your son is being unpleasant to you if he is being critical & abusive & that is not really part of the illlness, I'm afraid to say, it may be more to do with his other problems.