AIBU to take my child to see a specialist?

[dandelionsticks]

Hi, I'm posting because I'm close to being at my wit's end and really hoping to get some useful advice from Mumsnetters.

My 6yo DS is bright, kind, loving and funny. However, at school he has had several complaints now from the teachers about his silly behaviour. He's in Y1. He doesn't listen (e.g. when asked to line up, tidy up etc) or always follow instructions (half completes work and nothing is ever done to his full ability) and can be very silly. He also gets distracted by others easily (if they are doing something silly, he will join in) and can be also be the one distracting himself. He finds it hard to sit still and focus and is often given an elastic band to keep his hands busy (then there's a slight improvement in his ability to sit still). His behaviour is described as low level distraction but it's persistent. We can't get through the week without at least one incident and it's beginning to worry me a lot and also get me down. I don't want him labelled as a trouble maker. He is a really lovely, sweet, kind boy but it seems he can't resist silly behaviour. The teacher has said it might be immaturity and he'll grow out of it but I don't want to rely on this hope. They are also consulting the SEN staff to see if they have any advice. We considered if he might have dyslexia or other SEN but they said he's too young to be formally assessed.

I have another child who is completely the opposite. Very compliant, follows instructions easily and naturally much quieter and calmer. They get on well and I see a lot less silliness when they are together. However, they are at different schools. My DS is in all-boys school. They did say he might be better in a mixed school (that it might be the energy of having all boys which he feeds his energy) but, for various reasons, we can't move him. Also, moving doesn't mean his behaviour will improve.

The frustration is that I feel we've tried everything: rewards charts, lots of positive reinforcement, consequences that we follow through with, working with the teacher so he's aware we know what's happening in school, clear and firm boundaries and we talk about good/bad decisions, other ways he could response and his feelings and thought processes when he makes his choices. He is definitely aware that he isn't making good decisions but he says he can't help himself. I feel like I've read every parenting book there is. I'm really at my wits' end. Rewards don't seem to incentivise him and consequences don't seem to bother him. He accepts them gracefully. Then repeats them.

Recently, I was horrified as he pushed another child and he also took someone's sweets at school :-( He knows in both cases that it was a bad decision. He feels remorse afterwards but I wonder if it's remorse at being caught out rather than doing the action itself. He was silly in Reception but we thought this was an age thing as many of his friends were similar. We're nearing the end of Y1 and it seems to be getting worse. By worse, I meant that there will be one or two incidences a week then he has house points removed. It's really demotivating and I worry he might consider himself labelled and feel no motive to change.

Sorry for the long post. Thanks for making it so far as I know I've waffled. Regular MNer but NC for this. Please, if anyone could give any advice, I'd be extremely grateful. It's really affecting my relationship with my DS. I love him so much but I am beginning to dread seeing the teachers now as there's always something he's done.

What age is yr 1? I have 3 kids with adhd they are all slightly different presentation. Is he handful at home? If your thinking adhd then they usually wont look at them until 6.

Dyslexia - is he significantly behind his peers already?

DS1 was recently (Yr3) given his formal ASD diagnosis. We started the process while he was in Yr1, the overworked NHS however meant a long waiting list.
I'd certainly speak to a GP as soon as possible to kick things off, but we found it really helped with the backing of the school using their channels.

OP I understand your worry but he sounds like a normal kid to me. Some do mature more slowly than others, some are more compliant, some are less and not everybody was made to sit at a desk for 6-7 hours a day at such a young age. See a doctor if it makes you feel any better, read developmental books to help guide him and get involved with school so they know it’s not that he’s a trouble maker but that his behaviour is a work in progress with a supportive parent. My brother was very similar when he was young, always fiddling with a piece of nothing and head in the clouds. He grew out of it with support. Good luck

Thanks everyone for the prompt replies. Sorry for all the typos in my OP. I am feeling really upset about today's latest incident as we had such a long chat over the weekend and he promised he was going to try his best.

Waveysnail - he is not behind but is definitely bottom half. They aren't sure if there is a SEN issue or whether it's because he isn't motivated at all. They can't figure him out.

MuseumDad - thanks. We may speak to the GP or get a referral. We did ask the school if we should speak to someone - e.g. ed psyc - and they aren't sure. I worry that perhaps I've just failed as a parent in some way. That it isn't him but something I'm doing/not doing. He really is the sweetest boy and is so loving and kind. Also makes friends very easily. But this is starting to overshadow things.

LittleJalapeno - thank you, that is reassuring. Yes, the teachers also say it might just be immaturity and some boys take longer than others to mature. I suppose I'm not sure how to "support" him through this. The challenge is that rewards/consequences don't bother him. We've tried appealing to his sense of empathy (i.e. letting down classmates) and self-motivation (doing it for himself) but none of it seems to be working.

Definitely see your GP and ask for him to be assessed.Take notes or a short diary and state what you've tried and what doesn't work. also let GP know that school are concerned and "They can't figure him out"

The challenge is that rewards/consequences don't bother him. We've tried appealing to his sense of empathy (i.e. letting down classmates) and self-motivation (doing it for himself) but none of it seems to be working

Sounds as though he struggles with impulse control to the point that nothing works to stop that. Again, let the GP know.
It's a long slow process, but the earlier you start it, the sooner it will be completed.

Google processing speed and executive function, see if they give any clues to his behaviour.

It could be normal development, but some of the things you mention I also see in kids with a diagnosis of ADHD, particularly the distractive and impulsive parts.

What is he like at home when sitting doing tasks or given instructions?

The school are rightfully flagging things up, but there are also ways they can help manage some of his behaviour. Google "adhd support children classroom" will give you lots of ideas. Even if he doesn't have ADHD, they may be ideas the school can use to support your DS at this stage in his development.

Thats interesting, dandelionsticks, because my son (who is now 40), was overly lively and contributed to low level disruption when he was small - nothing violent or malicious but annoying and mischievious. That was a fairly common complaint from teachers until he reached eleven at which time he turned into a 'bloke' and became cool and laid back - which he still is.

Kids are funny creatures but they are individuals.

I hope yours outgrows this behaviour.

Blanktimes, yes it's exactly that. He lacks impulse control. It's like he can't resist even when he knows he shouldn't. Thanks for the tips. I'll definitely start reading up on these topics.

ShawshankRedemption, I never considered this. At home, he does stuff he shouldn't do (only in last few months) such as stealing crisps and eating them in his room. But he can also sit still and concentrate on what he's doing - writing, doodling or reading a book - so he's capable of it. But he will often be doing this whilst moving so much I've sometimes had to stop him falling off his chair (he isn't aware he's doing it). I'll add that he sleeps terrifically (11 hrs), eats well, gets plenty of exercise and limited screen time (relevant as I don't think these are factors contributing to his behaviour).

Lynda07, this is a great description of my son. Its annoying and mischievous but never malicious or violent. Still, I worry other parents won't want their sons playing with mine.

Food intolerance?

www.fedup.com.au/factsheets/symptom-factsheets/adhd-and-diet

I am not saying adhd. It’s just the article category.

we had such a long chat over the weekend and he promised he was going to try his best.

And I'm sure he did but he's still very young and probably isn't capable of sitting still in a formal school environment all day long. It doesn't suit every child.

Poor little guy is probably getting worse because he's always getting "into trouble" and feels he's letting everyone down, and so it turns into a self-fulfilling prophecy.

There's a closed group on Facebook called "visible child". It's American and can seem a little "much" sometimes but I've found it excellent for reframing how we perceive our children. It's run by a child psychologist. Maybe give it a go OP while waiting for referrals etc. you might get some good advice.

Have you looked into sensory processing disorder/issues, it can be helped by occupational therapy and is very common. It can affect a child's concentration, impulse control, core strength, hand writing etc. Hope you can get some help on finding out what it may be x

Thanks for the additional suggestions.

AngstyAnnie, totally agree and we're sensitive to this and have discussed with the teacher as well. Hence why we try hard to really reward positive behaviour and remind him how great he was when he listened/followed instruction/sat well etc.

Badgersmummy, he still doesn't grip a pencil properly but otherwise has great coordination, strength and control. Is very good at sports! So we had this ruled out early.

Thanks for all the support! Now that schools are shut, it will be interesting to see if anything changes being home schooled without the distraction of a class of boys.