AIBU to cut DM from mine/DS life

[bumptobean]

Just want to see if I’ve just been brain washed my whole life or if other families live the this?!

I had my DS 5 months ago. My DM never visited as the 45 minute drive was too far and she was nervous to drive after having an accident years ago and only recently started driving again.

Fair enough, then she couldn’t get the train because it was too far for my 7 year old brother who is autistic (being left with her husband was unreasonable she said).

The whole time in pregnancy the topic of her visiting was not spoken about but I felt it was very clear she wouldn’t do I was not expecting a visit from the hospital. But then she wouldn’t come to my house either.

I had a tough labour, lost 2 litres of blood and broke my coccyx. My son had sepsis, we was in hospital a while and me and DP really struggled to cope, this is our first child. She said when I felt better she would either like me to drive to her house or get my DP to drive us to her house. Even though I couldn’t sit for about a month properly and in this time never met her grandson.

Since this, our relationship has got far worse as she hasn’t once asked me to meet up, offer to visit, if I don’t take me and my son to her house, we will not hear from her or see her.

Now, Mother’s Day is coming up and my sister has asked if I will be visiting. I’ve said no, I’ve not heard from her for months and I didn’t even know they would be home! She said I am being massively unreasonable, after explaining I don’t have a lot of income for petrol (maternity leave) nor do I want to drive to somebody who doesn’t bother with me or my son, plus it’s my first Mother’s Day to my by then, 6 month old.

Apparantly I am ridiculous to celebrate when my son won’t know what’s going on. I am unreasonable to expect anything but to visit my mum. And people have lives and are busy working when I don’t ‘work’ as I’m on ML, so I should drive to her as I have nothing better to do it seems. They don’t understand my point at all and said it’s my fault my son won’t know them.

So, sorry for the loooong vent but is it REALLY that normal to not hear from your immediate relatives for weeks/months cause we are all living our own lives. AIBU to expect her to ask to meet up and that she should of been to visit me in the newborn days? I’m at the point I think I don’t have a DM anymore.

I should add we have no other family also. My dad left when I was young, DP mother is severely disabled now and is bed bound. His brother is depressed and in the same 5 months of given birth told us he was going to kill himself. I don’t know how we both managed to have the strangest family life in the world but I think the lack of support has deep down given us PND.

YANBU.
Maybe don’t cut your mother off but tell her how hurtful it is that she makes no effort.
All relationship should go both ways.
As for your sister- tell her she’s welcome to keep her pearls of wisdom to yourself as clearly she and your mother don’t have a clue what is going on in your life.
Everybody’s got their life to live, so have you. Your feelings are not less important than anybody else’s.
Enjoy your first Mother’s Day 🙂

There’s a middle path. You don’t have to totally cut her out and you don’t have to visit on Mothers’ Day. You could see her when it suits you.

I have to say she’s behaved really badly and if you were my daughter I’d have crawled over broken glass to get to you but we are all different and she’s got other stuff going on as well.

Have you seen her at all since the birth? And do you generally have an ok relationship? She’s not going to become Granny of the year but she is a part of your family so I would make some effort but not very much.

*pearls of wisdom to herself

I wouldn’t cut her off. Why couldn’t she ask your sister to help her get to yours?

@FrenchBoule thank you, I really appreciate it. I’ve mentioned it once but it’s just so unbaringly awkward. She thanked me for driving to her and that I shouldn’t feel like she doesn’t invite us to do anything as ‘I’m always welcome.’ Which I suppose is nice but at the same time, how would you ever meet with anyone if they didn’t talk to you and when questioned say, but you’re always welcome!

You don't have to cut her off, but you don't have to do all the leg work either.

Invite her to yours when it suits you. Let her accept/ decline

We don’t see ( or expect to see) much of older DCs who have left home and we wouldn’t expect to get together for birthdays, Mother’s Day etc. We do visit occasionally and always try snd help when asked though.

I'd leave them to get on with it and stay home with your gorgeous baby to enjoy your very special first mother's day.

Some family relationships bring nothing but aggravation and drama. Cutting off isn't easy, but sometimes it's totally worth it.

@MatildaTheCat thank you, since having my son I’d like to think I’d walk weeks to see him if he was in a hospital bed. I’ve seen her three times, all me driving there and asking if I can visit her. We have never had a very loving relationship which is why I think I’ve grown up thinking this is normal, we have never been close and in hindsight has always used me to do things for her. Now I’m not being a skivvy anymore the relationship has got even worse.

As for my sister, in a rage I blocked her so she cannot contact me. Not the most mature but felt it was better than me ripping into her as she really pushed me so far when raising a baby isn’t a walk in the park like she made it seem.

or make an arrangement like your sister bringing her.

She will have difficulties with you brother (and she's obviously not elderly) but you've had your own difficulties too which she hasn't put above her own.

Ultimately if you both really care about each other above the level of genetic guilt, one of you will want to see the other and be happy to go.

@GinDrinker00 she didn’t ask my sister but my sister did say that she would of if it wasn’t too far. She lives an hour away from me but the opposite side of my mother’s, so she would have had to driven past me to get my mum, come to me, drop my mum back, go back past me and then go home. Understandably that is a bit much but neither wanted to meet up half way either.

@Sicario I do feel like I’m at the point where my life would be easier without them. I know it’s such a horrible thing to say but they don’t bring anything to my life apart from frustration. Whilst my son doesn’t know who they are, I feel like it’s the right time or I will be carrying this on for years. We are hoping to have another baby next year in which things would get even harder to carry on the way it is now.

Does your mum work? I suspect there's probaby two side if the story here, and both had valid reason for not travelling before and not wanting to do now either.

In the end, it's up to you. If you can have a happy life without your mom in it, and potentially your sister then stand to your guns.

Life is short though and sometimes it pays to be the bigger person. If you are now well and with your son older, is it really a big ask for you to do there?

How awful. I hope you're feeling better now and are recovered.

I don't understand why she couldn't have gotten a taxi. Yes it would have cost a bit, but as a one off? There's a saying "if something is important to you, you'll find a way. If it isn't, you'll find an excuse". All I'm getting from your OP is your mother making excuses.

Your sister's attitude is also bizarre. What else is going on? Has she always been the golden child? Did your DM disapprove of your DP/the pregnancy? It's so abnormal that I'm wondering what the underlying cause is.

@dontdisturbmenow she works 4 days a week and my brother goes to primary school. Her partner doesn’t work.

It isn’t a big ask. I have to admit I am sometimes even close by visiting a friend but the fact is she doesn’t bother at all and I feel why should I make the effort if she doesn’t care about seeing my son, not even a text message. Yes I could text her but still feel as if why should I, as her child who is also struggling, have to force a relationship with my own mother or I would never hear or see her in months. My friend I visit regularly visits me, meets up, texts to see how I am. How I feel a relationship should sort of be..

I finally threw in the towel with my "birth family" 2 years ago. Frankly it's the best decision I ever made even though it broke my heart to do it. They brought me nothing but stress and drama with a whole load of finger-pointing and back-stabbing. My sister's last meltdown was the straw the broke the camel's back.

I wish I had cut off thirty years ago and not wasted so much of my life trying to make things right. There is no reasoning with unreasonable people.

Just to not completely cut her off why not post a Mother’s Day card and write hope to see you soon !?

I found when I had my first babe, it was a time when I really looked at and questioned (and grieved) how I had been parented, there was a lot of hurt and anger.

I didn't cut my Mum off, but I did continue the relationship very much on my own terms, with me setting the boundaries of what I was prepared to do to maintain the relationship. Which led to a lot of resentment and confusion on her part (a lot of which was to do with her refusing to accept just how hurt I felt over some things she'd done and said over the years, or that I had a right to feel that way - because her childhood was so much worse).

It led to some very cool and distant years, and I'm okay with that. She has mellowed a lot with age, I've matured a lot with age, and now we actually do have a pretty good relationship - but she knows exactly how far not to push it.

You do what feels right for you and helps you maintain your resources for the welfare of you and your baby, and that you can live with.

To my mind, you are the mother now, not her.
The mother of the youngest generation is the one who should be made a fuss of, as they are the ones currently doing the hardest work. Your DM, OP, has not been an active DM for you for some time. Of course she still is for your brother, so he makes a fuss of her.
As for the visiting, I would just not make any effort and see what happens.

YANBU. You don’t have to dramatically cut her off, just stop making effort to contact her as she has done with you.

@HateThisHouse thank you! I’m more or less recovered barring sitting on hard chairs! Enjoying motherhood and loving my child more than I thought could be possible

My sister being the eldest has always been closest to my mum and lived with her full time, her dad was also not in the picture. I didn’t live with her, I can’t even be sure the reason why it has never, ever been discussed and I feel I can’t even raise it as it would be more than awkward. We are a family that just do not under any circumstances talk about our feelings or problems. I lived with my fathers mum (my Nan) and she hated my mum. She didn’t talk too much about it with me which I can understand now as I wouldn’t of wanted to hear bad things about my mum at a young age. In a teenage argument with my Nan she did once mention my mum didn’t want me but who knows if that’s true. I would get dropped off on Saturday morning and picked up Sunday night for school the next day.

In pregnancy, our relationship was the best it’s been in years. She was over the moon as this is her first grandchild, really got on with my DP who even helped her choosing her car a few months before my son was born. Since he has been born she demanded a photo an hour after the baby was born, we didn’t have any as I hadn’t yet met him, she was very cross with him because of this, told Facebook the baby was born which annoyed DP as he knew I was excited to announce his birth and they haven’t spoken since. No argument though.

You could tell your mother that you feel hurt by her lack of interest and see how she responds. As said above you could just stop making an effort which might result in very low contact. Just send a fairly plain card with Happy Mother's Day written in then don't follow it up, leaving the ball i her court. Your sister sounds quite interfering and controlling. I see that you have already blocked her but if you do have contact I wouldn't discuss your relationship with your Mum with her and make it clear that you don't welcome her trying to tell you what to do.

Cross posted with your update, even more reason for your sister to but out. Is the Nan that brought you up still alive and in contact with you?