Dont know where I am with loved ones.

[Nickname34]

Sort of that really.
I have two grown up children and atm it seems like our relationships are coming to an end.
For the last five years or so I have felt uphappy with our group dynamic but think I have handled it badly and now cant see how either relationship is going to continue.
One daughter is overtly abusive and the other is very distant and condecending. Its all gone very badly really and I dont know how to change things.
Atm I feel releived at the thought of not having to see either of them again, I know this is bad though and that makes me think there must be something very wrong with me.

How did you handle it badly?

What are the issues?

I guess by waiting till I was very upset before saying anything?
Its been a long time that I've felt they basicaly have contempt for me but felt if I tried to say anything it has made it worse.
Which is what has happened recently.
Thats why I think there is no option now for us but to end contact as trying to discuss the situation has gone very badly.

They don't sound like nice people. Could you give a little more info on how this has come about?

My youngest is very abusive, verbally, always has been.
Like a toddler having a tantrum, she's 21 now and her behaviour has never got better. Well it has got a bit better but she still has angry outbursts every day.
The oldest, its more complicated.
They were very much the center of my world growing up and I made sure they never felt ignored or unsupported (my own childhood was shit and I wanted to make sure they always felt confident enough in themselfs to have choices in life)
I dont really know where it all went so wrong.

I always bent over backwards to make sure their dad was involved in their lives, even though he was very difficult, espicially when they were young, and did nothing to help out.
Now they are grown I just feel bullied by them. Whenever they come round they pickholes in everything I do and laugh at me.Which ofcourse their dad just loves.

The dynamic just kind of built up over the years, I should have found a way to change things before this point.
I told my eldest today that I dont really feel love for my family, I was not trying to be horrible but was just saying how I felt.

I’m sorry to hear you’re going through this. My children are very little and I would be so upset if this happened to me when they’re older. You say trying to discuss it went badly.. What did they say about why they are so rude to you? Or did it fall on deaf ears?

How did your eldest react when you said you don’t really feel love for your family?

Have they always been difficult, as teens, as children for example?

If I try to talk to them I just get a litteny of my perceved offences against them and I end up having to appologise to them (any appologies are NOT accepted and they just resent me more).
Im on the point of giving up.

My eldest was a lovely child, younger one was always aggressive, I do think she may have an organic personality issue which means most of her behaviour is not really her fault but still she is old enough now to make and effort to control herself or at least appologise after.

I think you need to put in place boundaries now they are adults. You don’t need to accept their behaviour and the habit needs breaking that they treat you with contempt. If you want to stop contact do so. They need to grow up.

Sounds like you need to spend some time with each of your DDs individually, without your DH around, so that you can try to rebuild things. Maybe start with your eldest, as she is the least difficult? Coul d you try to meet up somewhere neutral eg coffee shop, and have a brief chat and keep it low key - no big heart-to-hearts or trying to sort things out 'once and for all'. If you can spend time together just doing ordinary stuff and enjoying each other's company, it might take some of the angst out of your interactions. Then you can gradually start to talk about the more difficult stuff.
Ultimately, you can only do your best. Maybe try to listen carefully to how your daughter feels without taking responsibility for her feelings, if you see what I mean. "I'm sorry you feel that way" rather than "I'm sorry I made you feel that way/that I did x".