I don't have anyone I can talk to about this in real life because I genuinely think they might think really badly about my husband. As you don't know us I might get different views. He's definitely depressed right now, though I'm not sure he'd admit it. It's coming out as anger, a very familiar pattern for him. He's not seeking help. He said the other day that he needed a break as he's feeling frazzled and stressed with work etc. and this week I offered to do more childcare to help. I usually do most of it (and work ft) but recently we agreed to e.g. alternate bedtimes to give me some downtime, so I was mainly offering to cover that.
My husband has been spending very little time with our 3yr old, but for the second time this week that time has been spent with them both shouting at each other. The 3yr old is quite whiny at the moment and admittedly more so with my husband they'd spend time with me and not him. I find it draining for me, the constant demands, but also realise it must be heartbreaking for my husband to not get hugs, be told to go away etc. So the 3yr old has these big (though relatively short-lived) tantrums. They are loud and very annoying but part of life, and otherwise our 3yr old is a delight.
To the AIBU, I've just gone in to offer taking over bathtime because within minutes I could hear what sounded like a tantrum from both of them. The usual from our 3yr old of wanting to do everything independently, but my husband answering back, voice raised. To my ears it was like he was arguing with a peer rather than a 3yr old. On response to me offering to take over (which I get was probably really annoying as well), he started to tell me all the things our 3yr old had said to annoy him and it honestly sounded like a child "telling" on another child. I said as much - something like "you can't tell me this as if you're both children, you're the adult" (I can hear how annoying that sounds...) and now my husband is furious with me. Absolutely furious.
There is almost definitely part of this that is me being unreasonable, but at what stage do you risk annoying the adult if you feel that your child is being exposed to tone or attitude that could be damaging?
It was like a primal feeling that made me take that decision to go in and say something, but I can also see how much stuff like this could damage our already fragile relationship and come across as me being controlling. He will see it as criticising his parenting, which tbh I was.
He is FURIOUS. And I can kind of understand why, but also can see that he will try to make it my fault. So probably good for me to get some perspective on how unreasonable I've been. Thanks.