To not know to deal with my feeling over toxic mother & mother's day

[beepbeep]

I have this every year, but this last year has been particularly bad with her. I am desperately trying to limit access with her, but she emails and phones (maybe once a month), always putting the blame of us not speaking / being close on me. Then I feel I need to respond in some way as I know she'll be saying "I try, but Beepbeep doesn't call me back. Just seeing an email or call from her makes me physically shake.

She has never supported me in anything I have done, belittled me in front of others, and at times been damn right cruel. I can see her starting to do this with my children.

We live a few hours away from her (I have regularly taken the children to her for nearly 15 years as I wanted them to have a relationship with their grandmother, she has visited maybe 4/5 times in this period). It is me who moved away (over 20 years ago & she's never forgiven me for it!!). I believe she has been telling my siblings and family untruths about me as they are now not answering calls or being distant (she is always the victim).

Anyhow!! I HATE Mother's Day, if I didn't sent her a card there would be hell to pay. In the past I have always sent her a gift also. I'm not going to do that this year (she never appreciates it) and will, as ever, find the most generic Mother's Day card I can.

I just find it really hard, I'd love to have a close relationship with a Mother that cared about me and my family. I cannot imagine not supporting my children in their lives or treating them unequally.

I cut my mum out of my life 5 years ago. She was toxic and controlling and told me I couldn't be a parent without her. The sad thing is I believed her and lacked belief in myself. Then i found out she was spreading lies about me neglecting my child in the school yard. Saying I never saw her and never gave her money for bus fair to get her home so she was getting colds. There are no busses to my house from the school and she always brought her nack to mine. I told her from then I wanted nothing to do with her. She went on to tell people I owed her 10 grand (total rubbish) and several other lies. I feel free now she is not here. She has tried sneaky ways to contact me (and my sister) but i knock it back each time and the last I advised her that if she tried to contact me again I would seek legal advise.

Just because she birthed you doesn't mean you have to put up with being treated as less than you deserve. I understand it is difficult though x

Thanks for that. I think what I find difficult is that I have to go to the area she lives in order to see any of the rest of my family. I've just had enough of her and feel I need to look after myself and my family rather than giving her so much headspace. I feel that if I cut her off then I will end up cutting off the rest of my family by default

My siblings pussy food around her in order to keep in her 'good books' so I'm seen as the one who's being awkward and unreasonable because I'm no longer willing to do this.

Stopped contact with mine 16 odd years ago, it’s been bloody wonderful! She told lies too and is a drama queen. She then tried to turn my twins against one another. That was the last straw. Just cut contact, it’s lovely!

I cut mine off. Yes I lost some family members.

The older I get the more I realise I kept the good ones and lost the bad ones.

Worked out great for me in the end.

Oh god, absolutely cut her out before she does real damage to your relationship with your kids! 💐

My Mother’s Day card for my mum this year says
“Happy Mother’s Day. You’re one of a kind”
I take a perverse pleasure in choosing an appropriate one each year.
Yanbu and I’m sorry x

I wanted them to have a relationship with their grandmother

You've been so severely damaged by her toxicity that you want to inflict her on your DC?

Do you not know how fucked up that is?

You seem to place your relationship with your extended family above the well-being of your own children!

So what if one or more of your siblings "sides" with her?

Don't you see that it might be not what you'd prefer... But that should be a price you are willing to pay in order to protect your children.

What are you doing?!?!

Mothers Day to me is about me being a Mum not the person who gave birth to me.

I made my own family. Recently my sister and I parted ways. She moved to manchester and she never makes an effort. We also disagree on a lot of her life choices. My family are my DH, his family and my ex husband believe it or not and we have a lovely positive little bubble that my DD is thriving in. Blood is not always thicker! My DD finally has proper grandparents in my eyes! If the school close for a while I am not concerned about who will be watching her finally! x

Just joined to say I haven’t spoken to my mother for 16 years either, nor my sister for about 6. They are similar - and hate each other !!!!!
Mean and miserable women, only happy making fun of others. Do not despair, just make an enough to be the opposite of her towards your own dd. Don’t even bother to foster relations between your dd and your mother, she has been so unkind to you. Protect your child.

I went no contact with my toxic narcissist mother when I was pregnant with my first child. I never saw or spoke to her again, she never met her grandkids and she died 3 years later. I did not attend the funeral and shed not a tear.
OP, you should read the "stately homes" thread here on MN, for adult children of toxic parents. You will find much to recognise, along with the support to break free of your mother if you so wish. And I echo a PP - why are you exposing your DC to this vile woman, who may try to turn them against you or ill treat them too.
You are under no obligation to send Mothers' Day gifts and you did not ask to be born, let alone emotionally abused. I hope you find the strength to break free. I can recommend the book "Toxic Parents" by Susan Forward if you'd like further encouragement to make that break.

I struggle picking out a mothers day card, have had the exact same issue flicking through various websites thinking none of the effulgent, 'best mum ever' cards are suitable. My mum isn't the worst mum in the world by far which is why it's so hard to deal with, but she is subtly manipulative, wallows in self-pity (but does little if anything to improve anything when there is much she could), blatantly lies or lies by omission to garner sympathy to relatives about me / sister and just weaves a wholly uneccesary web. She's bored, deprived of attention (dad v ill, never bothered to keep up with friends, drives potential new friends away with constant complaining and bitching) and seems blind to the fact she's driving a wedge between her and remaining family with her behaviour.

If she was never nice it would be easier to walk away. Some glimmers of lovely, then back to gaslighting. My sister excuses her all the time, she gave birth to us, she has a lot on her plate, she's lonely, she raised us etc. She wants to see the best in her I get it but it's mentally exhausting.

I too feel this has made me more determined than ever to never behave like this to my children or make them feel like they owe me anything. I birthed and raised them out of my own choices and love for them. I expect nothing from them but to live their best lives and I hope they want me in them cheering them on.

FYI, generic mothers day card, flowers and chocs will be being got for mine. Maybe this will be the year she changes for the better...

I cut contact with my mother about six months ago and her response has confirmed that that was the right thing. I’m free and doing much better with my life, and can recommend it, then you won’t have to worry about your children.

When I met my dh he had no idea of the toxic web he was in.
I watched him and his family dedicate their lives to the impossible task of trying to please their domineering mother, who micro managed all her adult children to benefit her, putting up with unthinkable abuse while she demanded respect in return.

Sometimes you have to step away and see the relationship from outside, this isn't good for you nobody needs this.

We have gone no contact and finally dh feels free, he has lost his entire family as they won't forgive him for upsetting his mother by walking away and living his own life but everything was her way or the highway.

Again she plays the poor abandoned victim while her remaining children dutifully go along with it and fight to be in her good books day after day.

She sounds like a classic narcissist and the relationship is toxic, she doesn't deserve you to even give her a second thought.

Ditched my lot 13 years ago best thing I’ve ever done, the woman who brought me up among them.

Thanks everyone. I ordered the book recommendation.
You are all right, I need to break free of herb hold. The children are better off not having a relationship with their grandparents than having one that’s manipulative. I just need to work out how to do it.
She only ever contacts one of the children anyway, and that is infrequently (she’s 14). Do I just block her on their phone, not sure that they’d notice as contact is so sporadic!

@lynzpynz I really relate to your comment! I feel exactly the same about mother's day cards - I find it really difficult. I also don't have a 'bad' mum - she loves spending time with me (on my own) but recently our relationship has really suffered a break down and it's brought a lot of stuff up from my childhood - mostly drinking, really loud sex, calling me names, things like that. She also finds every excuse not to see my own daughters and every time they do I feel like she doesn't enjoy it. She's refused flat out to help with anything, and when we meet just mainly likes talking about herself. She just says she's at the age she can do what she wants. Which is fine (sort of - I'm trying to deal with it but had one counselling session and couldn't stop shaking) but Mother's Day makes me really anxious.