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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

How’s being selfish here?

36 replies

GA2012 · 14/03/2020 17:27

Basically mil is due to go abroad (not sure I’d even want to go in the circumstances right now) She has two dogs. Never really give a crap about them. Always tried to get us to have them but we cannot. The dogs aren’t good with children. In my opinion she should either take them on holiday with her or book a kennels or a dog sitter..

She’s booked a kennels but complaining about the price she will have to pay and asked if we could take care of them.

Aibu to think if you’ve paid thousands of pounds for a holiday you pay for the kennel price and not complain about it? Or don’t go..

We cannot have them here. Our own dog is nervous of other dogs in her territory and her dogs aren’t great with our children and I would be the not taking care of them here as oh is always working. They are nightmare dogs.

The only option would be for my partner to stay at her house. She lives close by to his place of work so he could come home for a few hours and then go back and stay and go to work. But..

I’m not in a great place at the moment. I’ve just lost a close family member and I want my partner close by. Im not sleeping great waking up having nightmares. If my partner wasn’t here at night I think I would be worse. I don’t like being alone. I have felt a little scared at times. The death was sudden. Both our children have additional needs adding to the stress. I can’t do it all on my own. I don’t like being alone at night time at the best of times.

My partner says I should man up, stop being so self absorbed and let him stay at his mums to save her some money. Saying I’m a grown adult and should learn that I can be alone at night.

It will also throw the children out. Routine is important to them.

Surely I’m not being unreasonable? Surely if you can afford a luxury holiday you pay for kennels too? Or don’t bloody go or holiday in the U.K. and take the dogs!

Personally I don’t think she could go abroad at all at the minute!

OP posts:
GA2012 · 14/03/2020 17:28

Who’s not how’s - sorry!

OP posts:
OhCaptain · 14/03/2020 17:31

Well, he shouldn't be speaking to you like that ffs! Does he always speak to you that way?

I do think it's up to him ultimately. I wouldn't want to spend money on kennels if I had an able and willing family member to take care of both my dog and my house.

But I don't get nervous at nighttime alone or anything. How would it throw their routine out if he was only sleeping there?

HollowTalk · 14/03/2020 17:35

It's completely unfair that she expects you to take care of her dogs if it means complete disruption of your family.

Your husband doesn't sound very nice - is he looking forward to some time on his own? Is he thinking he can come home for dinner and then leave?

choirmumoftwo · 14/03/2020 17:36

She's already booked the kennels so was well aware of the cost. Your problem here is your DH and his attitude to you in a time of need.

GA2012 · 14/03/2020 17:37

He’s generally pretty good but when it comes to his mum he can be a like it. I think it’s because he’s scared of her.

I get that, but she’s spent £5000 on a holiday so they must be able to afford the kennels surely.

It will throw them out because he won’t be around the morning.. before school!

OP posts:
GA2012 · 14/03/2020 17:37

The kennels are booked. Not paid for yet. She’s desperate to cancel it to save money!

OP posts:
OhCaptain · 14/03/2020 17:40

But surely he could make sure he comes back in the mornings to help with the dc?

I don't think she's U to ask. He's U to say yes if it means disrupting the dc to that extent.

RandomMess · 14/03/2020 17:40

Your MIL and DH are being Very unreasonable. I suspect DH is viewing it as a mini break for himself as won't have to parent or help around the house Hmm

gamerchick · 14/03/2020 17:40

Will the holiday even go ahead? With things how they are atm, this might not even be an issue.

However I'd say no because ime cheeky buggers that wear you down just see it as a green light to take the piss.

rookiemere · 14/03/2020 17:41

Totally cheeky, but her holiday is likely to be cancelled anyway so I wouldn't be too worried about it.

HollowTalk · 14/03/2020 17:42

It's very likely her holiday will be cancelled anyway, so it won't be an issue.

tobedtoMNandfart · 14/03/2020 17:43

Her holiday. Her dogs. Her problem.

So YANBU to say no but unfortunately you cannot dictate what your DH decides. He doesn't sound very kind BTW.

Sadly people with self absorbed parents will often
Make poor choices in fear of a reaction. You have my sympathy.

Windyatthebeach · 14/03/2020 17:44

Suggest you go look after the dogs and he stays with the dc. Sounds like he sees it as him having a break away imo..

OhCaptain · 14/03/2020 17:45

To be fair to MIL, I've reread OP's post and it literally says she asked. Not demanded, not wore them down. Just asked!

JasonBrun · 14/03/2020 17:48

They're both being very selfish. Your need for support is not less important than his mum's need to save a bit of money. Spell it out to him. He's being a prick.

JasonBrun · 14/03/2020 17:49

He's putting a literal price on your mental health!

diddl · 14/03/2020 17:50

Does your husband work fulltime?

If so-how will he be looking after the dogs?

Can't help thinking that he wants to stay at his mum's for an easier commute/break from family life.

Windyatthebeach · 14/03/2020 17:51

Adding up kennels costs for our holiday is the first thing we do in the planning stages!!

MauriceandAlec · 14/03/2020 17:53

YANBU. Your partner's being a total dick. Just wants to skive out on parenting for two bloody weeks? Nope.

Lllot5 · 14/03/2020 17:55

Tell your dh you’ll go and look after the dogs. He can stay at yours and do it all.

GA2012 · 14/03/2020 17:58

Thanks all. I’m not sure if I worded it all right. I don’t think my partner wants to do it, he prefers being at home. But I believe he wants to keep his mum happy!

I’m not sure if their holiday will be cancelled. It’s an area with only a few cases so far..

He would stay there, go to work, check on dogs after work, come home to eat, help with kids and go back. It doesn’t seem too bad but it’s harder than what it sounds. I’m struggling with night times at the minute. I don’t want to be on my own as I get lost in my own thoughts 😭

OP posts:
Bluesrunthegame · 14/03/2020 18:04

Your MIL is being selfish, but you can say no to her. As someone here said, her holiday, her animal, her problem.

Your husband is being a prick. What kind of husband tells his grieving wife to 'man up' and 'stop being self-absorbed'?

Rationalcat · 14/03/2020 18:04

Well, your DH sounds a peach.
You are going through an emotional time that has left you feeling vulnerable and he tells you to man up so his mum can save some money? Niiiice! Hmm

Having pets includes all the additional expenses they occur, if they cannot easily be boarded with a family member or friend.

Its not suitable for you you to have them and its not feasible- for sake of your marriage- for your DH to be an unpaid dog sitter.

Italiangreyhound · 14/03/2020 18:05

"Both our children have additional needs adding to the stress." So his place is with you and the kids.

"I can’t do it all on my own. I don’t like being alone at night time at the best of times." you should not have to alone. You know that.

"My partner says I should man up, stop being so self absorbed and let him stay at his mums to save her some money. Saying I’m a grown adult and should learn that I can be alone at night."

I think I would tell him that he should man up and stand up to his mum, but I don't like the term 'man up'.

"It will also throw the children out. Routine is important to them." Personally I would wonder if you might need some counselling to talk this through, if you were having relationship counselling then he definitely should not be staying elsewhere.

"Surely I’m not being unreasonable?" You are not being unreasonable at all.

"I believe he wants to keep his mum happy!" which is fine but I am afraid he needs to man up....

"Personally I don’t think she could go abroad at all at the minute!" I think you may be right. Also, if there are issues getting back into the country who is going to get stuck looking after the bloody dogs.

OhCaptain · 14/03/2020 18:05

Well look, regardless of anything else you take priority. And if you need him for your health (mental or otherwise) then you need him and that's that. He'll have to say no.