DP won’t answer a question directly

[LandOfAThousandJumpers]

DP is lovely and I’m very lucky to have him. However, he will never answer a question straightforwardly. Anything I ask him, he tries to second guess what I want and go with that, or throws the question back at me first - e.g. have you had a think about anything you want to do when we go on holiday to xx. DP: what did you fancy doing?

He’s very easy going which is part of it but he’s also a people pleaser and lacks confidence. I have told him he doesn’t need to try and say what he thinks I want to hear, and I like it when he is direct and assertive (although obviously I don’t think his main concern should be if I like it or not!!)

I am sympathetic as I know he doesn’t do it on purpose but it drives me mad. We get lost in these circular conversations and I’m perfectly happy putting forward my case for something against someone who is likewise putting theirs forward.

AIBU to find it exasperating?!?

If it annoys, then it annoys you. But he is who he is. By all means suggest he is straightforward and direct but otherwise you must accept who he is.

As any number of people will tell you, this won’t change. If anything it gets worse. He’s just not interested in planning the holiday, yet or ever.

Does it annoy you because he pushes all decisions back onto you to make?

@LemonTT

He is interested in planning things and is not lazy or disinterested in that sense - he just admits that he tries to second guess what the other person wants first. I feel like it’s not good for him to feel like that really. I’d like to support him to be honest in feeling more able to express himself.

Appreciate what you’re saying though about people being who they are and accepting that.

Just wondering also if anyone else would find that frustrating as I end up wondering if it’s just me being unreasonable.

Love the man you have.
You said it. He is lovely. Don’t try to change him.

@LannieDuck

It just makes it hard work because I want to find out his honest opinion on something then find I have to ‘read’ him - because he will often be saying what he thinks I want to hear.

But I don’t mind being disagreed with - I’m happy to compromise or try and accommodate us both or agree to disagree or whatever.

@LannieDuck

And yes, I suppose there is an element of that. It’s actually quite restful when someone takes the lead isn’t it?!

I do this, and I wish I didn't. I think, if you're a people-pleaser and lacking in confidence, you've probably been that way for a long time. It's genuinely hard sometimes to try and tune in to what you actually want, because you've been so used to putting other people's preferences over your own. I'm trying to be better, but the problem is I'm so disconnected that often I honestly don't know what I want or even if I have a preference, especially when put on the spot and asked to come up with something in the moment.

In your shoes, I would ask him to go and have a think about what he'd like to do, maybe write a few ideas down. It's easier to do this when the pressure of having to think of something that very second is off.

It’s actually quite restful when someone takes the lead isn’t it?

Just to add, it definitely is easier for me if someone else takes charge, but not in the way you might think. It means I'm not disappointing someone by wanting to do something they would prefer not to do. I think from an early age I came to the (almost certainly wrong) conclusion that most people, including my loved-ones, have stronger preferences than me, and would get more disappointed than me if they didn't get to do what they wanted to do/ended up having to do things I might like that they don't enjoy. Basically it's about not disappointing anyone you care about with your own wants and desires, and while it might have worked when you're a child, it's maladaptive as an adult.

My dp is like this, but less so now than when we first got together. It took many conversations about why his wants were important too and that taking care of other people requires taking cate of yourself. I would also find that if he didn’t want to do something he would just avoid talking about it rather than tell me directly. We are still working on it but I agree with not putting him on the spot and posing a question that lets him go away and come up with some options he likes. If he comes up with more than one option he will be less worried that you won’t like the plan as there are several to choose from. E.g my dp will plan dates with several options so we have choices but he has to pick them.

Thanks @IVflytrap for the insight and the suggestion, I will try that! That makes a lot of sense.

I think he has been the same way for a long time too. He’s a very resilient person but he has mentioned experiences in his younger years that left him finding it difficult to be confident and to assert himself.

What you have said about being used to a certain way of responding and feeling put on the spot makes a lot of sense.

He is extremely accommodating of others and very thoughtful but I feel sometimes that it’s at his own expense and because he doesn’t feel able to assert his own wants and needs.

I would like him to feel it’s ok to express what he thinks and what his own preferences are.

This is frustrating and exhausting, however lovely he is. At some level it does show a disregard for you and a lack of empathy, or even just laziness!

Have you tried asking him why he makes it so much hard work for you to find out what he thinks/wants?

Perhaps he learned as a child not to articulate his needs or preferences, who knows? He doesn't need to so that now. People are always recommending couples counselling to abused partners where it's not at all appropriate, but you and OH souls like the sort of couple it could actually work for.

Why not suggest some sessions to help him feel able to say what he wants without setting you a maze?

I find this exasperating too. I ask DH what he’d like for tea and the response is “don’t mind” but I’d just like him to take responsibility for deciding for a change. Particularly exasperating if he then leaves half his tea as didn’t really fancy whatever I cooked. Same with holidays - won’t contribute to the planning (other than possibly giving an opinion on two choices of accommodation I suggest) then moans that we never go to X.

As there are some things he is very opinionated on, I think it’s because my DH is lazy not because he wants to please me. But doesn’t mean that’s the same for yours!

Does he have any concerns about the way he is? Aka is this his problem or yours?

I find this exasperating too. I ask DH what he’d like for tea and the response is “don’t mind” but I’d just like him to take responsibility for deciding for a change.
OP, if this applies to you I'd say something like, 'Would you plan (and cook) dinner tonight, please?' rather than 'What do you want for dinner.' The latter is actually easier to accept because you know what's being asked of you. Long as the other person doesn't then tell you you've got it wrong all the time. Although actually it's maybe a thing to work on that it's okay he made his version of spag bol, nor your amazing granny's or whatever. Maybe give an open prompt like, no lumps of meat, I'm bored with roasts, or I want some fish, I've not had enough veg, I want something spicy /plain.

Same with holidays - won’t contribute to the planning (other than possibly giving an opinion on two choices of accommodation I suggest) then moans that we never go to X. Here, I'd jump on this as a place for next time. Encourage him to make a note of places he fancies going when he thinks of them. Because I find it really hard to come up with a holiday venue from nothing. But if I've had a chat with someone and thought 'I want to go to Prague' I can look that up next time partner says where shall we go.
Then once the holiday is planned get him to write down five places he might like to visit on the holiday, no commitment. Then you sit down and add to them, delete some together. No second guessing required, but input from you both. You've planned a thing together with things you both like. That's how my friend and I did our recent city break. Over dinner we'd look at the list in my notebook and go, 'That's closed Monday, there's no time for that, shall I do x while you do y, then we can meet for z.' Once you've cut things down a bit, things might slot into place for him, making the final decision easier. I can find wide open possibilities hard.

Like AliMonkey My dh is like this but it's laziness to listen/answer it has nothing to do with pleasing me, as he can also be very vocal about his opinions on certain things.
It's infuriating and a quick conversation takes twice as long even sometimes decends into an argument.
It's so exhausting always taking the lead and planning everything and everyone.
I've stopped planning for dh now and let him send for himself, he is no a child.
In your dhs case it could be that he is so used to being impartial/ people pleasing he many not even realise he does it now.

It’s all very well saying that this is who he is and if he’s lovely generally then why not just overlook this quirk? But if you have children with this man he will drive you crazy and resentful very quickly.

You’ll find that you have to do all the thinking for everyone and carry the mental load by yourself. Do not underestimate how difficult and stressful that will be for you with kids in the mix, or how corrosive it will be to your relationship.