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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Is he being an office prima donna?

21 replies

WobbleHead · 12/03/2020 19:29

DH has horrible bosses, that’s not in any doubt. But he’s really wound up at the moment and playing the victim and I’m worried his behaviour is going to make his job even more insecure.

I’m looking for advice from people whose partners get diva-ish about work - how do you talk to them about it without making them feel even more judged and attacked? No matter how gently I try to point out that being a moody teenager with his bosses isn’t going to get the result he wants, he digs in.

He works in a business support function in a big tech firm. Due to various events DH feels sidelined, not listened to, etc. He feels disrespected and as a result he feels justified in making a point of being antisocial and curt.

The business is likely to start making redundancies soon and I believe he’s putting himself in the firing line. He says there’s ‘no point’ in trying harder interpersonally with his bosses, or trying something different to win their praise/attention. He’s been passed over for promotion and they’ve just hired in someone above him without asking him if he’d like to apply for that role.

It must be shit and he’s justified in feeling hard done by - my issue is with his reaction, when, in light of events this year, he should try to hang on to a well paying job as much as he can! It pays ridiculously well for the work.

To be supportive I’m helping him with his CV and looking for new jobs too but none of them pay as well as this, and you’re basically unprotected in a new job until 2 years so it’s not great timing when we’re thinking of TTC at the end of this year and I’d be destabilising my career as a result.

I want to tell him to suck it up, as I probably would myself, but I’m a loving and supportive way... if that’s possible?

OP posts:

Original poster

WobbleHead · 12/03/2020 19:30

Oh he is 46 and I am 36 years old.

OP posts:

HollowTalk · 12/03/2020 19:36

He's 46? He's behaving like a 20 year old in his first job.

It's his attitude that's causing the problem. No wonder they're not putting him forward for promotion. I agree - he'll be in the firing line.

Given his age, he really, really needs to hang on to that job. Nobody wants to be kicked out when they're heading towards 50.

I'm not sure whether he'll take any notice of you. I hate to say it but I'm not sure I'd ttc with him unless he changes his attitude pretty quickly.

Winterwoollies · 12/03/2020 19:37

Yeah, he needs to grow up, suck it up, work hard and look for work on the side. He’s 46, not 16... Jesus.

Youdreamedmydreamforme · 12/03/2020 19:40

Tell him to suck it up!!! Wow I would be so cross about this.

HollowTalk · 12/03/2020 19:46

He needs to think of it as an acting job, where he goes in and pretends to be a good worker. He's polite with everyone, listens to what they say, takes on board any criticism and if he has a complaint, speaks politely and respectfully to his boss. At 5 pm the acting job finishes and he can be his normal self again.

Neverender · 12/03/2020 19:47

Yeah, I tried and he got the sack. You can't make him behave differently or do it yourself. Start saving!

Original poster

WobbleHead · 12/03/2020 19:48

I mean that’s pretty bleak but I agree.

OP posts:

Original poster

WobbleHead · 12/03/2020 19:49

Luckily I earn as much as he does.

OP posts:

Mummyshark2018 · 12/03/2020 19:49

Op I couldn't written this myself. Dh worked at current place for 20 years. Hated most of it, but it paid well, he progressed, close to home and tbh he doesn't really like putting himself out there so he stuck around! He was grumpy, constantly moaned about work. I've met his colleagues over the years and tbh they're not my cup of tea- highly academic, privileged, not my sense of humour, talk down to people etc so I can see why he's struggled. He was offered redundancy recently and has snapped their hand off! He's already so much happier.

Original poster

WobbleHead · 12/03/2020 19:51

The thing is if he just got a bit of respect or praise or friendliness from his bosses (not banter - he sees that as picking on him) then he’d be right as rain again. It makes me really on edge.

OP posts:

madcatladyforever · 12/03/2020 19:57

I'm extremely fiery when I think something is unfair at work but even I have learnt over the years that this is not the way to influence other people.
You HAVE to go on a charm offensive no matter what.
Be SEEN praising the company, supporting colleagues, being friendly with managers even if you thing they are shite personified.
He cannot afford to lose this job at his age.
What does he think his attitude will achieve.
You have to look at work as a game, a game with strategy, none of it is personal, at work nobody really cares about anyone else so you have to look after number 1.
He needs to grow up and play the game. The alternative isn't pretty.

Youdreamedmydreamforme · 12/03/2020 19:58

Can’t take banter... oh dear 😂

HollowTalk · 12/03/2020 20:08

Has he lost jobs in the past, OP? Does he tend to fall out with people?

PossiblyPFB · 12/03/2020 20:25

Perspective possibly needed to make him realise how fortunate he is to be in well paid work? I used to work in a very pressurised environment in the City and used to get incredibly worked up about random stuff and people and what they said or did day to day. I get it. But looking back, it was all meaningless. No point to any of it. He should just get on with what he needs to and don’t engage in office warfare or give them mind space. Friends who work in the NHS or Police etc would judge it a good day when nobody died or they didn’t get chased by a knife-wielding perp. Perspective..... I’d say he needs to either play the game and let things roll and make the best of it or decide it’s not for him and work out what else he could turn his skills to that would be reasonably well paid. Seriously. Office politics are not the hills to die on.

Original poster

WobbleHead · 12/03/2020 20:50

Hollow - he’s been made redundant twice in the past - once a v long time ago, once in 2016

OP posts:

HollowTalk · 12/03/2020 22:12

Was his attitude a factor in his previous redundancy?

Puzzledandpissedoff · 12/03/2020 22:18

I had to check, and then check again that this is a DH rather than a DS of about 17; almost incredible that, instead of getting the message, he reacted to being passed over for promotion by reverting to "no point" and petulance

Best have a word with him about keeping his head down and playing the game while looking elsewhere - at least that way you'll be able to say you tried, if he ends up unemployed and unemployable

AlbaAlba · 12/03/2020 22:30

I honestly thought this might be my colleague. I'm seeing exactly this scenario play out from the work side, so this might give some insight.

My colleague, of a similar age, was passed over for a promotion last year. He then fell out with his new line-manager (who got the promotion), resulting in open arguments in meetings which are usually very understated and calm. Within a couple of months his attitude remained very obstructive, argumentative, and unprofessional and had attracted the notice of the line-manager's peers and colleague's own peers. The situation has now continued even under different management, to the extent that newer staff notice and comment on it, and it is the subject of discussion and gossip.

People genuinely liked this guy, but he is now known for his attitude problem and his behaviour since has scuppered any chances of a promotion. The general perception of peers is that it's a real shame, but it's demonstrated why he is not suitable for promotion.

k1233 · 13/03/2020 00:11

I've been in that position - passed over for promotion. I'm a high performer and other senior staff and peers I spoke to afterwards were all surprised at the decision. 9 months on the role wasn't filled, so I'm acting in it for 12 months and getting very good client feedback. My manager says I'm their star performer so the initial decision not to appoint me to the role still makes no sense.

Anyway, that's all just to say I've been there too. It's shit. You feel unvalued and unappreciated and really why bother. However, he's attitude will be watched. Resilience is important in higher roles and it's important to continue to act professionally.

He needs to pull himself together and find a way to move forward. Is there some counseling he may be able to access? I was working with a mentor, which was invaluable. We worked out strategies to help me move forward and they've paid off. Is he able to approach someone in the organisation to be a mentor?

Original poster

WobbleHead · 13/03/2020 08:50

Mentoring is a great suggestion thanks. Maybe just being ‘heard’ by someone would do the trick (being listened to and acknowledged by me clearly isn’t enough!) - and the mentor could potentially give some concrete directions on attitude.

It’s weird because I think of our two incomes as our overall household income, so I kind of feel an element of responsibility for all of it - but I have no real influence over the security of half of it (his).

OP posts:

Pumpkintopf · 13/03/2020 08:57

The thing is if he just got a bit of respect or praise or friendliness from his bosses (not banter - he sees that as picking on him) then he’d be right as rain again. It makes me really on edge.

Hmm. You seem to be putting the onus on his bosses to 'make everything better'. Perhaps he'd feel better if he took some control of the situation, saw it as 'mission keep my job' and behaved better towards them - the praise may then naturally be forthcoming.

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