So what happens when you finally decide to LTB?

[Newnameforeverypost]

A few questions if anyone would be so kind as to answer for me-

1. Where do I go? I have heard job center, womans aid and the housing office. Which one is best?

1. What would I bring? The children? A suitcase? A bag?

1. What happens to my furniture? It isn't just mine. Would I have to leave it if I go into temporary accommodation? Will it be a hostel? Or what?!

Storage? How would I collect it and move it? No family and of course my 'd'h wont help.

1. What about my tenancy. It is in my name and is council housing. Can I leave council housing and ask to be housed by the council again? Or will I have to go into private which I will struggle to pay for when I eventually get into work (pregnant)

1. How long before 'dh has to leave if I leave? Or since it is my name only on the tenancy and he moved in with me will he be forced to leave? (But still know where I live?)

1. I have some savings that are in my name but I didn't put the money in. Dh did because I am a sahm and he works so it is 'his money' but it is in my bank account. This was just for ease because I had 2 current accounts and we wanted one for every day spending and one we never touched. He would take it all out if he knew I was planning on leaving.

I think it'd be fairer if we split half each or he had 60 I had 40 or something like that. I wouldn't want to leave him homeless with no savings for a deposit on a rented flat or something.

1. Will I have to tell anyone/ prove why I am leaving? There are no photos of bruises or calls to the police. I can't even really claim financial abuse because the money is in my name (I'm not allowed to touch it but how can I prove that?)

1. Would my children have to move school? I don't mind if it is a necessity but how will they react losing their home, their dad and their school friends in one go?

1. As I said I am pregnant. What will happen to the new baby regarding contact? What about the birth? Is it sensible to wait a few more months until baby is here and then leave or would I be better off going sooner rather than later?

I am sorry this is so long but people always say leave the bastard but I have nowhere to go. 3 youngish children and I am pregnant with my 4th.

Oh and can nobody ask me why I had so many children if I am considering leaving due to abuse? It came on gradually, my childhood home was full of physical abuse so I never considered controlling/ emotional/ financial abuse to be a problem. He never hits me physically. Just read up on a few things and realised his behavipur changed over time and now I am completely dependant on him.
Yes I realise it is impacting my children, but upping and leaving with no warning (obviously I can't let them know the plan) will also imapact them so I wanted to be sure I was a.) In an abusive relationship and b.) In a position to leave. There is never a right time so I want to prepare as much as I can. Some people comment on desperate, vulnerable womens threads asking why they had children with him, or why didn't you leave etc... I just didn't know it wasn't normal. This life is a lot better and safer than my own childhood and every niggle I had where I thought 'this isn't right' was overshadowed by 'well He hasn't broke my jaw or my arm yet'.

Ramble over.
Please help me prepare for the worst thing I am ever gonna do. Thanks

Plan as much as possible if you're not in physical danger. Contact local DV services & tell your midwife at next appointment (they are trained & in
position to help) Get passport & documents copied & in safe place. Get new email address & send copies of important docs to it. Get new bank account he doesn't know about& start putting in every penny you can. Sell unwanted items on FB and put money in new account. 'spring clean' (aka putting items of yours and kids into bags and dropping them off at a friend's house instead of charity shop if you think he might destroy things. Don't give any indication to him that you're leaving as that's when abuse ramps up.
It will impact your kids, they'll grow up knowing you put them first and that love doesn't involve abuse.
Save any evidence of financial/mental abuse. Keep a diary as evidence.

But also read 'why does he do that' sometimes seeing the pattern and understanding that it's his issue can really help make the mental break of the relationship

Well done for realising what was happening and for having the strength to want to make a better life for yourself and your children. I've not been in this situation so cant offer any advice but just wanted to say good luck! X

You may find it best to stay where you are and have him leave. First point of contact is women's aid for advice. Information is knowledge! From there you can make decisions about where you go.

Good luck op. I hope you are safe.

If its your tenancy, contact your housing officer, Women's Aid and the local police for support, and he has to leave.

Lundy Bancroft - Why Does He Do That?
tinyurl.com/LundyWhy

The Freedom Programme
freedomprogramme.co.uk/index.php