aibu to expect to get back to who I used to be?

[Pumpkinsrcute]

After experiencing birth trauma and ptsd a few years ago I had therapy and it helped. I went back to quite a demanding job and got on with life.

However I feel like I’ve turned into a miserable cow with no filter. I get easily stressed out with colleagues, emotional whenever I see anything relating to sick babies on tv and a small part of me always finds dc’s big milestones bittersweet. I’m so so grateful for them but a part of my mind always reminds me that when I’m experiencing joy it could so easily have been sadness if my dc had died, which was a real possibility.

The bittersweet element does seem to be fading over time but it’s not gone away yet. Will it ever?!

Also am I being unreasonable to think one day I’ll just find myself again and be that happy go lucky person I used to be...or is it to be expected that I’m always going to be carrying this round with me?

Being so busy with work and family and then often feeling overly sensitive about things, I just feel so tired a lot of the time and like I can’t be as good a friend or a partner as I used to be because I’m so inwardly focussed these days :(

Has anyone else come through this?

I don't want to minimise your experience in any way whatsoever, but I actually think quite a lot of parents feel like this in general after having DC. I know I do.

Perhaps it's time to try therapy again. If it helped you before, you might find it useful now with a new perspective on your feelings now.

I don't think you have to rush to try and get back to who you used to be. There is no shame in accepting that person has gone, and you are who you are now, with everything you've experienced wrapped up in that identity. I'm also wondering although you've gone back to the busy career, is this what you actually enjoy doing now? Again, there is no shame in changing your mind and finding something that gives you a bit more space to just relax.

Slightly different scenario but I have been where you are thinking am I changed for good. Took time but I slowly started recognising traits, characteristics, way of thinking etc that I used to have. Then it snowballed. I don’t even recognise the person I was 2/3 years ago. You will get there and cheesy as it sounds when you start noticing things that you associate with the old you, you might be excited about them, I definitely was.